Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I wonder if my dumb crisis email was too much. Since I said something I've never ever said before or even halfway hinted at. And now I wonder if your gonna rethink everything we have been discussing this last year and few months.

I sent another one explaining things and I hope you reply.

I just questioned myself thats all.

I cried because I was so tired yesterday.

Dreamt I was back at my primary school in my year 3 classroom with my Year 7 English teacher.

I always dream of school when I'm stressed and going through things.

Dear T,

I wish you weren't going away next week. Felt connected to you today and worry your going away will affect that. At least I'm seeing R next week-hopefully she'll be recovered from Covid then!

Oh, and I was surprised when you said your wife had Covid at one point--I wonder if that's why you had to switch to virtual one of those times before? I can't believe you'd have just come in and met in person without at least warning me that you could have been exposed, so it must have been something like that, or maybe in a stretch when we were virtual anyway, like much of 2021.

Also, I hope you say something about my birthday on your own when I see you Wed. You acknowledged it today in asking if I wanted to switch to a different time, if I wanted to do something in the afternoon that day. But I wonder if you'd actually wish me a happy birthday without my saying something first? Would be nice if you did.

Love,
LT

I'm glad our session went good. And that you didn't care that I was sitting on the couch weirdly to hide myself. I don't know if you even noticed. You said things don't normally happen as fast as they did for me when we discussed my email. But you listed off a bunch of reasons.

You didn't deny my weight gain but you didnt make it into a show either. You did tell me you wanted me to work out today. But I think that was more for my energy levels. Because you also said be mindful of when I'm hungry.

Idk. I didn't take offense at anything you said. I'm not sure if you found my joke funny when I compared coming off Prestiq to coming off Oxy.

My mom told me you believing in healthy at any size sounds like a cop out.

I was laid off so I lost insurance I’m lucky my company is partially subsidizing my cobra and I can afford it… for now. So I’m making plans to see therapist.

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These sessions where you're the only person who would understand the impact are hard.
My friend has given me permission [because that's apparently something I need...] to share some of the thought process and interim questions, but I don't want to inflict that on them.

The questions haven't changed since last April.
No, I don't know why I'm still asking them.

I wrote a Yelp review about that one therapist who called me confused. If she complains I'll tell her I have about 20 people backing me up and who are on my side and that shes just out of luck.

She responded. She didn't complain. She just said she hopes I'm doing well and she's open to having a conversation.

I think she knows she ****ed up. And shes just being an ***. She should have left it at "I hope your doing well." No I won't have a conversation with her because I'm not going to give her details about my life that are none of her bussiness or name drop other practices and therapists like she wants me to do.

Following our conversation this morning, it has dawned on me that I need to stop thinking my feelings.

I hope we can work towards this together.

Your 'He had a pig?' comment today felt a little odd to me.
You've seen that picture - it's my favourite picture of him.
The only one that isn't a promotional pic.

I'll have it in session next week.

I figured out last night what it is that I felt like I was losing last week.

I didn't think your follow up email was necessary. I knew it was a typo and as soon as I read the typo I thought of a SpongeBob quote where the same thing happened. It didn't bother me.

I had a hard time after our session. Not because of the session, but just stuff in genera. I crashed for a bit and then applied for another job.

I truly am taking it day by day.

Dear T,

I hate the session right before your vacation. I feel like I have to be so careful, but then I end up being distanced and not letting myself feel connected. Or I end up talking about something I shouldn't talk about and then feel weird and/or upset about the therapeutic relationship.

This time, I think I figured something out in talking to a friend last night regarding your vacations and why it bothers me that you won't say anything about where you're going. And I'd like to be able to talk to you about it. But it feels way too risky to do right now. So maybe I'll talk about it with R, then talk to you about it when you're back?

This vacation just snuck up on me, with the holidays, then H's surgery. I should have talked about this a couple weeks ago, but there was other stuff going on then.

Maybe I'll take some photos in again--that worked pretty well before one of your vacations last year. I could bring some with me and see how I feel. Or talk about writing--that seems to connect us. I just feel I need some sort of planned topic so the other stuff doesn't just come spilling out. Though, knowing me, it will anyway, with 15 minutes left, and we'll leave on an awkward note.... Maybe I'll say at the start "If I start talking about x, please stop me and say, 'You said you didn't want to talk about this today.'" Or something. I don't know. Guess I have nearly 7 hours to figure it out...

Love,
LT

When the house phone has charged, I'm hoping to have a conversation with E to figure out whether I'm 'brave' (haha) enough to try the online support group on Sunday night.

I've had one good experience with it, and another experience that I found more challenging.

We should have talked about this yesterday...even intense sessions aren't long enough sometimes.

I really wish we'd talked about this yesterday, because I couldn't get through to the helpline.

Then I ended up talking to my mother, who talked me out of attending.

Like Steve said, 'Self care requires telling the damn truth.'

Denying myself the spaces where I can do that doesn't make sense.

You're the best T anyone could wish for.

Dear T,
Thanks for listening and being understanding and compassionate and not defensive today. (i did my best to be the same toward you, too.) I think it's good we discussed all that. Would it have better if it hadn't been right before your vacation? Probably. But I also think if I held all that in or said something right at the end, it wouldn't have been so good either.

It helped that you explained why you have this policy. Also, that you said it's nice to know you matter this much (to me). With the love thing, for example, it just seemed that was all bad in your eyes (though maybe you felt it was wrong for you to feel at all positive about my feeling and expressing that?). So at least you see some sort of positive in this.

And glad you said it didn't feel awkward for you--well, like I said, no more awkward than sessions with me typically are.

Love you,
LT

PS: An ad for Disney World popped up and covered the screen as I was about to post this--a sign? Though the thought of you at Disney is sort of amusing... just seems very incongruent.

Why did you tell me you had a planned c-section on 4/20. Now I can't get the image of you being high, out of my head.

I don't want to make a food plan on Thursday because it won't help and I know what to do anyways.