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LostOnTheTrail
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Default Jul 18, 2024 at 04:30 PM
  #721
I don't want to be frustrated with you.
I want to feel like I can trust you to 'hold' me when I can't hold myself.

The timing of all this couldn't be worse.

Understanding is neither a release nor a relief.

I'm trying out a new grief group on Sunday, and then I have the helpline call on Monday.

Just because I'm good at carrying things on my own, to paraphrase, that doesn't mean they're not heavy.

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'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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LonesomeTonight
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Default Jul 19, 2024 at 03:03 PM
  #722
Dear T,

I've just felt sad since our session. I don't know why. I have a few ideas, from stuff that was discussed (or not discussed in session). Though maybe it's just that I miss you. And want things to just get back to normal again, but know it will likely be at least a couple weeks. I feel like maybe if I don't go to the beach next week, it will feel more normal this week, but then maybe not? Just wish I could go the week of the move...

I suppose maybe I wanted you to react in some positive way to my saying "I trust you," just something like, "I'm glad to hear that. But maybe I was looking for too much. There's other stuff it could have been, too, or maybe a mix of all several things. Also, I think I need to tell you that for future reference, if I'm really emotional and unsure what to say/talk about, work is pretty much never the way to go. My writing? Sure. But not work.

Oh, and safe travels. Of course, I forgot to say that.

Love,
LT
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LostOnTheTrail
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Default Jul 19, 2024 at 04:03 PM
  #723
I've written you a letter that I intend to burn in the morning.
So much of my emotional safety (a major need at the moment, whilst I'm exploring the depths of this loss) comes from sharing physical space.

I don't know why you can't see that.

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'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Jul 19, 2024 at 11:15 PM
  #724
Dear T,

Enjoyed the concert.

But I had this thought: Does your brain just self-erase stuff you seem to have learned? I just don't understand how I can have sessions where it's like, "Oh, you get it," or "Oh, you're accepting of this," then a week later, it's like you forgot it all. Maybe you were just in vacay mode today. I guess I'll see how it goes at next session. But it's just frustrating.

Love,
LT
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Default Jul 20, 2024 at 05:33 AM
  #725
It's important to me that our next session doesn't have that 'end of year' heaviness to it.

I'm struggling with the fact that you've opted out of the conversation I need to have through going online over the summer.

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'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Jul 20, 2024 at 09:40 AM
  #726
Dear T,

It's so stupid that I wanted a "thanks" for that email, or just some acknowledgment, like a thumbs up. Maybe it irritated you and you don't want to encourage me. Or you don't want to feed the OCD part of me that feels I need to say "safe travels" when you're going to/returning from being away.

I don't think it would normally bother me so much, but I'm feeling very disconnected after that session. And this would be a terrible time to email about that. Likely pointless to ask for something tomorrow, as you might still be away and probably wouldn't have anything anyway. I'll do my best to hold it till Monday.

I guess a "thanks!" just would have made me feel marginally more connected. Maybe you're taking the day off looking at email today or something. Which I'd completely understand. I don't feel I can bring it up Monday because it's going to seem silly and/or annoying. Sigh.

Love,
LT
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Default Jul 20, 2024 at 03:20 PM
  #727
I'm stressed about some things which aren't helping my ulcers. I'm pretty sure stressing terribly about my transference T for almost 3 years wasn't helpful. I wish I could explain her to you without you possibly freaking out.

But I guess that feeling I"d get deep in my gut about her actually turned into a legit problem. Since thats where the ulcers are

Last edited by Mountaindewed; Jul 20, 2024 at 03:35 PM..
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Default Jul 20, 2024 at 07:57 PM
  #728
Dear T,

Hope you're still alive and stuff.

Love,
LT
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Default Jul 20, 2024 at 09:39 PM
  #729
L, I just want to be important too! I'm making a lot of sacrifices to allow you to meet your needs. This is just another way your needs are more important than mine. It hurts and it's hard.

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Default Yesterday at 01:27 AM
  #730
Ouch, Scarlet.

I feel that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

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'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Yesterday at 05:42 AM
  #731
Dear T,

I appreciated our little text exchange last night. Even though you didn't have any openings today--which I fully expected to be the case--you showed a lot of caring in your response. And I think that's what I really needed. And knowing you're not dead (though I really only started wondering that when it was 9 pm and you hadn't replied).

Love,
LT
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Default Yesterday at 09:56 AM
  #732
I had no idea when we were meeting next until I got our appointment reminder. I guess maybe I should keep track.

My mom says I am working better with you then I was with my transference T. I'm not needy with you like I was with her.
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