Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear E,

Thank you for being the one to pick up the phone today.
It's good not to have to start at the beginning.
The firefighting analogy is everything...that's exactly what I'm doing at the moment.

Only trouble is, I've never used a hose...so the main fire is still there.

R wants me to look the other way for a while, but what will I see when I look back?

Who knows...

The timing of all this is abysmal, and yet we cannot choose when our epiphanies arrive.

Thanks for being there,

Lost

Dear T,

Well, either you didn't have any cancellations (yet) or forgot to tell me (I got the sense that text you got yesterday was the client after me canceling, from your reaction--we need to talk about your commenting on things like that in my session). Or you figured because I didn't email, I'm totally fine. Honestly, I'm unsure whether I'd have come in today or not if you had something, as I slept so poorly last night.

With the email, I had something typed up, then was thinking: Well, I'll likely be in the red or close to it after this. And I have a family vacation next week. Then, not long after I get back, you'll be away. I think I'd rather know my emails will be free for a bit (unless they're crazy long, of course). And I felt like I was going in too many directions in my email, where I wasn't sure what you're respond to and what I *wanted* you to respond to. So maybe I'll just share it with you at the start of session tomorrow. Hopefully, I will get more than 3 hours of sleep tonight...

Of course, now you're going to text me to let you know you have a 3 or 4 open today, but I really think I'd decline at this point and just keep my time tomorrow.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

My conversation with E today made me question my decision to see you in person again for the first time on WSPD.

That day will be heavy...Reconnecting then is going to be weird...and there's no question that your decision here has affected our connection.

Still don't get your reasoning, but I certainly didn't want to spend more session time on it.

You know I'm not going to email about the other stuff, because it's not suitable for email.

Email contact is about you helping me regulate until we can be in person again...and that's still about a month away.

I need you but I don't like you is a hell of a balance to strike.

I’m grateful to be alive.

I feel incredibly unsafe within our relationship right now.
Regardless of whether you intended that...it's what has happened.

I feel embarrassed that you asked me how I was and I cried.
I guess that's an answer of sorts, but it's more than I wanted to give.

This is too much for me to carry on my own, and I am very much on my own with it for around 160 hours each week.

We both know that finding the language is something that happens over time...not under pressure.

Dear T,

Feeling a bit nervous about our session today. I just think of how we've had ruptures right before my vacation (thinking of 2022) and how bringing up something I want to discuss further today about outside contact is risky. Maybe I can just focus on the less risky aspect, an idea I had?

And after this, we'll just have the Wed. virtual one while I'm away, then only two normal sessions before *your* vacation, so this feels like a risky time in general. I think everything would have been so much better had you just moved at the end of June like planned. Then that one rupture (presumably) wouldn't have happened. I'd be used to the new office now. I wouldn't feel so anxious in bringing things up.

I guess I'll just see how it goes and how I'm feeling... As I know *not* talking about stuff on my mind also doesn't serve me well. But maybe that's better than a conflict? And maybe if I talk about the one aspect, it won't cause a conflict? I don't know...I wish you were more predictable. And consistent.

Love,
LT

I understand every word, LT.

All the hugs.

Thanks, Lost. Hugs back.

Writhing in process
New knowledge burning - too much.
Disappointment hurts

Dear T,

Some awkward moments in there (perhaps inevitable due to the topic of the second half--which I hadn't intended to talk about, but probably better that I did before vacation). But I think that was generally a good session. Thanks for explaining more about the outside contact stuff and for being flexible about Wednesday. Still wish the session schedule wasn't all weird for the next 2 weeks (I know part of that is my own vacation). I appreciate the series of drive safely, take care, and be well wishes at the end.

We still have some repair to do. But I'm glad we didn't add any wreckage to the pile.

Love,
LT

You cancelled 2 hours before we were supposed to meet. Tbh, my headphones aren't going to be here until later today and I was wondering how our session would be without me wearing headphones. So it kinda works out.

Dear T,
I've been at the beach approximately 90 minutes, and I've already had a bit of a fight with H and my parents. This bodes well... D did give me a hug when I arrived, so that's...something at least. Sorta wish I could talk to you tomorrow, but Wednesday morning works (and H said he could leave the condo for the time of session, which I really appreciate).

Feels weird having just been here 2 weeks ago. Sitting in this exact spot on the couch, feeling very upset about some of what we'd talked about--though we repaired well the next day. Maybe that's part of what's affecting me in the moment? Like, I need time to adapt and adjust and let my feelings settle a bit. Though really, after a semi-long car ride, I tend to just want to sit for a bit anyway.

Love,
LT

I think my email offended you. I was kinda talking in code.

I was supposed to have a session with someone on the 12th. She messaged in the morning on the day saying her child wasn’t well as he was teething and she had been up with him at night she didn’t feel she could give me her full attention. . I said that was fine. Gave her other dates that I was free. She said she could do the 20th and 21st. I said that worked for me. She read my message on Thursday, but it got to 6.30pm yesterday (the 19th) and she still hadn’t offered me a time.

Perhaps I could have waited a little bit longer, but I asked for a refund. I didn’t like the idea of getting a late message and suddenly having to drop whatever I was doing even if it wasn’t anything in particular, but more than anything it was bringing up old feelings of being forgotten about. That I wasn’t worth being a priority.

Hi R,

I'm feeling emotionally exhausted at the moment.
It feels so odd to have these conversations with other people.

Yesterday I asked the person on the helpline for reassurance that she could hold what I'm bringing to the table.

Three times as much support...do you understand how difficult that is to find?

Lost

I haven't gotten a link from you yet. I'm not worried I just wish my house didn't smell so bad tbh but thats a different issue.

Dear T,

Your reply really did help. And I resisted the urge to ask if you had any availability today. I need to spend it with my family. And we're talking tomorrow morning. I can manage.

Love you,
LT

Why were you kinda off today? Thats not really like you. I don't know if I should discuss it or not. We literally just talked about when to talk about this sort of stuff and when to let it go.

Well. Thanks for not actually validating anything I said in my email, just saying you were fine and thanks for asking. I have a feeling something is wrong but its none of my bussiness and I should just let it go.

I still feel weird about today. I know you have your own issues so I'm trying not to be pushy about things or take them personal. But I felt kinda cut off after your email

You asked about me going back to work too. I'm trying.

My cat crashed our session and you said he was fluffy but you didn't seem too intrested in him.

Maybe we should have just skipped this week entirely

Two down, two to go.

Showing up to virtual sessions with no idea what I'm going to talk about is really hard for me.

I can't talk about the things I need to talk about.

I tell you I'm wound up, and you respond that doesn't come across.

Believe me when I say this isn't working for me, please.