Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I want to see you in person. I miss you. Idk why. I don't normally feel this way. Just a few more hours.

You know there's too much on my plate when I forget to mention the agonising context of this coming Saturday.

It's the first time this particular anniversary has come around with the full picture.

There's no poetry in this at all.

Dear T,

Happy 7 years! Don't worry, no gift this year. The past 6 months have been rough, with the move, but we're working through it, I think. Tempted to write a brief thank-you note, as you seemed to really appreciate that a couple years ago. I'll ponder it.

Love,
LT

I sent an email to see if you would have me as a patient again before I ask my Dr for a referral. Your admin doesn’t understand what I was asking. Only you would know.

What the davey was with that one email asking if I was fine to do in person then those 2 weird those emails cancelling altogether? I was all ready to go into. Idk. I guess I'll go get coffee now. I really did want to see you

Also why did the receptionist call me to schedule the appointment? I feel kinda bad about that to be honest. I don't know if that makes any sense or what I'm even trying to say.

She did email me herself half an hour ago or so confirmimg our appointment. So I do feel better now about things. I guess maybe the receptionist just had to take over for a bit.

My non dairy oatmilk apple machiatto was really good.

I want to see you. I miss you. Weird. Maybe they gave me a different generic. I thought this was the same med just in a different form.

Dear T,

So we avoided the one difficult area (the move), but ended up in a different dicey area in the last 15 minutes or so. But I think I'm OK with how it went. I was trying my best to see and feel the caring in your eyes, to take in what you were actually saying and not how my "freak" brain tends to twist things around. Will it hold? I hope so. Or at least enough for me to not reach out to you before Monday.

And that was really weird how your phone was trying to put our meeting location as the coffee shop at your old office. A sign of something? Maybe your phone misses it, too!

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Still doing OK with what we talked about, trying to think of the totality of what we discussed about that topic, the bigger picture. Progress?

Oh, and I ordered a (different) DBT workbook. Thanks for saying you could help me work through one a bit if I wanted--I know that a group or formally trained DBT therapist is best, but maybe this could be a start, a stepping stone of sorts.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I wish I could reach the sense of safety that I need in our relationship at the moment.
It feels so flipping distant, and I've never needed it more.

H is well aware that I don't feel properly safe with you again yet...and I feel conflicted about still seeking support from her when we are able to be in the same room.

Hopefully it's just today, but everything ****ing hurts.

Lost

I don’t know how to tell you what my brother did to me

This may be an unpopular opinion but I just saw Amazon is telling their employees they need to return to the office full time next year or be fired.

That should be the same for therapists. Way too many therapists take advantage of telehealth.

I'm sorry I called

What is the downside of therapists using Telehealth? It might work well for people in remote areas

I'm not the OP, but...

My biggest gripe with telehealth is that you have connectivity, but not connection.

The emotions that are the essence of therapy are more easily accessed and tended to when the client and the therapist are in the same physical space.

Dear T,

My lungs??? I never said anything about my lungs. And this illness just came on quickly Friday night--I hadn't mentioned it before. I assume you're confusing me with another client, which hurts. I hope an email about moving to virtual doesn't become some sort of rupture...I really just thought you'd say "Sorry you're sick--virtual is fine." Not something about an illness I don't have?

Love,
LT

At the risk of derailing the thread even further, I want to say that this is not universal. It certainly isn't true for me. The distance and control of remote sessions allows me the space to work very meaningfully - being in the same room and being vulnerable with her is often too claustrophobic. I appreciate being in person for embodied and spatial work, but I don't need that every week. My work and her modality (Gestalt) is deeply relational and focussed on contact; this is not compromised by working online.

Personally, I like having both options with the same therapist. I nearly always prefer in person. But for instances like today, when I'm sick, I like that I can still have a session--otherwise, I'd probably just need to cancel. Or if I'm out of town. Or if virtual just fit better in my schedule that day. However, it would bother me if my T kept switching to virtual randomly and/or at the last minute. I guess I like it when I can be in control of it.

I understand that for many, for assorted reasons, including if there aren't many T's in their area, they don't have transportation or would prefer not to travel there, etc., virtual would be preferable.

Note that part of why I prefer in person is that my husband works from home. I take steps to make it as private as possible (different floor, door closed, sound machine outside door), but it still doesn't feel as private as when I'm sitting in my T's office. I also like the separation of home and therapy, having a dedicated space for the therapy and a transition (driving) to go home, rather than, "OK, immediately back to real life."

Hi R,

Apparently I still need three times as much support even though we're back in the same room.

How the hell does that work...and why is empathy (something I've never had to ask from you before) something that I feel I have to request about this?

How do you ask for empathy anyway?

I have too many reasons to be pissed off at the moment, and I don't like it.

Lost

Im a phone girl. My best sessions with my t were on the phone, but there were only a couple. I grew up on the phone. But it goes straight to the brain. Left ear, right brain, emotional hit.

I think I would have much preferred zoom appointments. I hated going to their offices