[MuddyBoots]

CM said she and my T are going to have a session with both of them and me tomorrow (had a scheduled appt with T, but CM said she wants to join because she's been in contact with me quite frequently over the past two weeks including middle of the night emergency phone calls). CM made it seem imperative I go because of how concerned they are. I don't want to show up tomorrow with a black eye and bruises and cuts lal over the place and them ask a zillion questions I can't answer. If I'm still shaking like I am right now I don't want them to make me get checked out. I don't want to word vomit about the stuff I've been up to and them do an IEA on me if I don't go IP voluntarily.

Can they really do anything if I don't go tomorrow? I understand welfare checks and such, but I've been couch surfing and they or the PD probably have no clue where I am at any given moment. Can they track my phone? What if I turn it off or give it to someone indefinitely? Would they still try to track me down in the streets just looking for my face?

I mean, I'm fine now. I'm going to cut the BS and get back on track starting today.

Possible trigger:

I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to let passive suicidality get me. If I admit to a plan and act on it or if I act on it and don't succeed, it's IP. If I just let things go... even if I wind up in the ER they won't admit me.

[unaluna]

I think that FEELING like you dont want to go should not be part of the decision making process. I NEVER want to go to my dr appts to where i eff up my transportation or my clothes or my hygiene or my alarm clock to where i make it even more stressful for myself.

So i would say feelings is not a good reason. I am probably just acting out some old schema about the 'rents not taking care of me when i needed the dr. Like the kitchen accident in 2nd grade, where i had to sit during dinner and pretend i wasnt in pain so my parents wouldnt get upset. They took me to the dr after dinner, no rush. Well thats my issue anyway.

[VabGirl]

I think you should go

[MuddyBoots]

I don't even want help at this point. If my eating disorder kills me, so be it. If I relapse and overdose, so be it. If I get hit by a car walking on a busy road with no sidewalk, so be it. If I anger the wrong person and they mess me up, so be it. If my disgustingness causes me to catch some infection, I'm not seeking treatment for it.

I don't know how to answer any of their typical questions. Ever. A lot of appointments in the past I've gone in, said "I don't know what to say," and the therapist asks if I want to leave. I don't want to waste our time so I do. And now I have to explain obvious injuries, emergency calls, and a skipped appointment.

I don't remember shyt so why would therapy help?

[unaluna]

Just go and be in the moment.

No anticipating, no "awful-izing", no planning, really.

Just be in that moment with those 2 people. No hiding. Thats always the only answer. From actor acting.

[MuddyBoots]

I can’t do that with someone that has some control over me though. I feel like I have to prep to avoid consequences from them rather than just what I face directly from my decisions. I’ll go. I don’t know how to not hide if I feel like I’m in trouble though.

[Nammu]

Way to get attention by not showing up. Very bpd.

[unaluna]

Thats just it - "feeling like you are in trouble" is reacting in the distant distant past. I used to get physically ill like shaking when a boss called me to their office. That wasnt them, that was the physical reaction to my mother, who i had learned to avoid as a small child.

I could be wrong, but it would be the first time.

Woody Allen said the secet to his success was that he just showed up. This was the pre-married his stepchild Woody.

[LonesomeTonight]

I feel as though your posting here suggests some part of you does want the help, does want to live. Or else you just wouldn't go to the session and not say anything. I'm not saying that to be critical--I'm saying it so you listen to that part of you that *does* want to live and stop risking your life in so many ways. I'd go to the session and tell them it's hard for you, that you feel like you're in trouble. And go from there.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I can’t do that with someone that has some control over me though. I feel like I have to prep to avoid consequences from them rather than just what I face directly from my decisions. I’ll go. I don’t know how to not hide if I feel like I’m in trouble though.

everyone feels that way. its normal to feel like you need to prep to see doctors, therapists or even study for a test in school or prep for something going on at work when you know someone else may be judging whether you are doing something right or wrong or judging whether you have a health issue or not or medical issue or not. its called performance anxiety, stage fright and other commonly used words. everyone has it and its normal. heck read the posts in the forums and see how many times people mention they have anxiety about an upcoming appointment and how they are prepping their self for their upcoming therapy appointmens. theres literally thousands of posts about having anxiety about going to therapy on this psychotherapy forum board alone, not to mention all the ones that show up on other boards too. its normal to have anxiety about therapy and meetings with case workers.

you have been posting how no one will help you, well heres two treatment providers ready and willing to meet with you to work with you, to help you develop a treatment plan that can help you.

like with AA or any other mental physical health issues, only you can decide whether you want to accept the help that they are trying to give, and only you know whether you will have consequences for not attending therapy sessions and meetings with your treatment providers.

what I can tell you is that...

only your treatment providers can tell you what your rights and responsibilities are and what their agencies rules are for no show appointments.

here in my location no shows get 2 chances and then they are terminated off the schedule books and their files closed. some get closure appointments some do not.

the reason why my location has this no show rules is because theres a 2 year waiting list for people to get assigned a mental health treatment provider.

my opinion if you want the help then dont waste your appointments on "no shows" and constant cancellations.

if this was me knowing theres a 2 year waiting list for mental health agencies to get a treatment provider I would go to the meeting and to prep I would be making my personal lists of goals and expectations of why I want to be in therapy and what I want to accomplish in therapy and what treatment options I would like to try. then at the meeting discuss my list and theres and be part of the process of developing my treatment plans.

again, only you know what your treatment providers and mental health agencies rights and responsibilities and whether or not they include "no show" and number of cancelations consequenses.

[comrademoomoo]

When you post, it always sounds like there is so much energy which is driving your chaos and destruction that you seem ironically full of vitality, it just shows itself in downward spirals. I imagine that if you could inhabit your adult self then you would have great capacity for using that energy to move forward. It is really sad for those of us who didn't have adults to help us harness our vitality, but here we are. At some point, we have to come to realise that no one is better placed to care about our wellbeing and our life more than we are. I think you are trying - this focus you have on how you can best play the chase me game with your therapist/care manager is real evidence of your mobilisation. Invest a bit of that energy into engaging, being honest, dropping the façade, etc and things will change.

[MuddyBoots]

I think I more so say they are incapable of helping me rather than don't want to based on experiences with the two other state run mental health centers I've been to. And the fact my T cancelled two weeks in a row. I have never had a therapist I've liked for more than three weeks in a row, and some, affiliated with the state like the center I'm at right now is, have never even reached one week.

My CM is supposed to help with housing, but we have made literally no progress since I started seeing her. She's told me to call places I've applied to, which I have been doing, and based on what I'm hearing, it's going to be a long-*** time before I can stop couch surfing.

I've seen T, I don't know, three times and I've been gradually spiraling. She cancelled two weeks in a row without the option to schedule another day of the week when she'd be there when I was overdosing (minor ones) at least once a week and could not even be around stable but honest people without being called "hostile," "over-emotional," "over-reacting," "unstable," "wild," "careless." If she's going to cancel two-thirds of the time, and when I do show up she asks me if I want to leave practically right as I sit down, it's going to cause more stress than anything. I remember when I went to therapy because it's an appointment I have to fit into my day and I know I went there and walked to wherever after, but it is rare for me to even remember being in therapy, let alone what was discussed.

Like I said, I'm going to go. I solemnly swear I'm going to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God. To the best of my knowledge. Regardless of what BS threats they spew out of their mouths

[MuddyBoots]

And yeah, there is like 5% of the time I want to recover. What do I do during that time? Do things that might get me more independent with the basic needs of survival which end up going nowhere.

[MuddyBoots]

I appreciate the input, and I'll go because I guess that's less concerning than showing up and basically saying I spent most of the last week or so doing stuff that will kill a mortal.

[MuddyBoots]

...and guess who just called to reschedule...

[unaluna]

Thats a sign to stop worrying! Worrying was my mothers hobby so i hate it. She spoke of it like it was not a choice, it was an entity from outside of herself that she had to endure. Creepy af. Like it was her effin job. "I have to worry..."

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

...and guess who just called to reschedule...

Ugh, I'm sorry. Can they still see you this week?

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Ugh, I'm sorry. Can they still see you this week?

Yeah, Friday. Don't know what time though.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Yeah, Friday. Don't know what time though.

Hope you still go and that it's helpful for you. Her canceling so much must be frustrating (dealt with that with a previous T).

[MuddyBoots]

I be here, no notice of cancellation, but it’s 17 minutes past my appt time. She’s in a meeting with my CM I’ve been told. Wtf? BS