Is this a bad ideaa and shows I can't use my words to open up? (long and stupid)

Because I totally can't use my words to open up verbally on the spot.

Basically the eating disorder is a little unmanageable right now, and I'm a writer so, as they say, "show, not tell." (not as bad as it sounds )I feel awkward going up to this woman who keeps cup noodles and coca cola in her office explaining I've lost significant weight and that not eating makes me feel powerful even grandiose (though that may be the mania talking ). When my ED acts up it's the only time I feel in control of anything. Suppressing one of the basic needs is like a "fk you, God, I'm taking over because you didn't do well for me."

Anyway, my Q is on the show not tell bit. I know it's stupid to obsess over this, but I'm not going to tell T how much weight I've lost. I normally wear sweats to cover up as much as I can, but I think I could push myself into leggings or skinny jeans and a V neck t shirt if it's something she should know. If she doesn't need to know, or if I'm better off writing down on a piece of paper some stuff (what kind of stuff would she want to know? Specific stats? How many pounds I've lost? My current BMI? Daily caloric intake? or just that I've been restricting and purging and occasionally binging?)

Would she even give a shet? When I was binging/purging daily (now it's like 2-3x a week) her questions were "How frequent?" "Have you lost weight?" "Is there still blood?"

(Honestly just looking for a reason to not wear sweats, but I feel suuuuper uncomfortable not wearing them)

One of the risks with showing and not verbalising is that you are hoping that she is attuned enough to know what you are saying without you saying it. She might misinterpret (she could easily think it is a sign of self care that you are wearing different clothes) or she might not notice the specific thing you think you are being blatant about because she is focussing elsewhere. Once I started being able to be truly honest and vulnerable in therapy (and I still can't do it all the time), things started to change for me. In this instance, I would say something like, "I have lost weight and I want you to notice because it is a sign that I am unwell. If you notice, it means that you care about me and I want you to care about me. I wanted to wear different clothes to show you rather than tell you because I feel shame about wanting to matter to you and this shame silences me". Your version might be different of course. No performance, just hard, ordinary and uncomfortable feelings.

I'm gonna do the leggings, bring it up, and turn it into a joke of sorts. Rough drafts.

"Haha, look at me feeling pretty good wearing actual clothes instead of jammies despite looking like an emaciated fatass." (Yeah, that's something she'd expect from me.) Brings attention lightly.

"My bmi may have dropped to 16.5, but the vodka was really weighing me down so now that I've pissed all those fifths out..."

"Yeah...I lost weight. See this black eye? Half my brain came out my nose and a bunch of fat and muscle had to relocate to replace it."

"I made the world's best or worst chili and now I'm 17lbs lighter."

"Whazzup my friend? Have you noticed I look like shet?" (I have those ED eyes (a freakin black eye and a lot of bruises/scrapes too) furry, pale skin too so it works)

Idk I'll spend the next hour coming up with horrible stuff

Will she work with you about your use of jokes for things which aren't funny? These things are serious and painful, they are not funny. It's a well known defence to joke, but it only gets you so far.

Yeah, she's used to it. What better way to cope than to turn that frown upside down and cap the crap with a hilarious hat to poke and pick at?

It's only opening with a joke to break the ice. Not like the whole session is like that.

I didn't really mean whether she is used to it or not, I am sure she is as you often present in this way. I was interested in whether you and her examine your impulse to joke and entertain as a way to access your deeper stuff. I would imagine that this jokey front is far less interesting than your deeper stuff.

But we do get to the deeper stuff. Would she really prefer:
"How have you been?" or "what do you want to talk about today?"
"The only calories I've been taking in are the instant breakafasts S makes me drink and if I see him put protein powder in them or use milk instead of hot water I purge them, but I also eat 2-4 tbsp of pb a day on a good day and about half a cup of yogurt sometimes too. I would like to know how to step into the kitchen without winding up on the floor bawling my eyes out. It's really freaking S out. I read this article online, not sure how legit it was, but it was on the cause of eating disorders and it was all about how your needs were not met in some way in childhood and it had me crying because all I could think about was the days of my dad passed out on the couch, my mom at work, my aunt taking care of me until she sui'd, and then my grandma doing her best while being sick and trying to take care of my sick grandpa and my disabled uncle...fast farward a couple years neighbor grooms me and we all know where that goes, friend says to tell parents, I tell parents, mom just says "well, what do you want me to do about it?" dad's busy resetting the alarm clock for 6 hours straight and ends up in his own psychosis-withdrawal. I never thought about that bit until I was on a walk the other day and saw a meth pipe on the ground and a green ford drove by and I completely broke down in tears on the side of the highway like I feel like I'm about to do right now because it's not fair that the only one to protect me when I was a wee lil one was protecting a dozen other people too."

It's not about what she would prefer, it's about what best serves you. You don't have to entertain her (or us). Everything you say in the quotation would be perfectly within the context of therapy. Why not start with that? Doing it differently might uncover new things for you.

I don't know what would best serve me or if the 2 minutes of joking at the beginning when I'm uncomfortable jumping straight into a topic is really hindering any progress, but I do know if I'm hypo and have something--anything--to say, it is impossible to hold back. It's normally hard, but add in a couple nights of no sleep and change the 3*impulsivity to 4.5* and BLURRRRT.

edit: yeah I think today I'm just going to go in and try and skip the jokes. Yeah, she's used to it and that's what she expects from me and she knows I struggle a lot, but maybe if I straight out say "things are unmanageable " instead of "my life looks like my underwear after I purged yesterday...that wasn't the most beautiful sight " I'll be taken more seriously and I'll get more help than I've been getting.

I hope the session goes well and you get what you need. Update us if you want to.

I also hope the session goes well.

I'd have a similar concern to Comrade that if you hoped she noticed, but then she didn't say anything, you might feel disappointed, unseen, etc. And if you normally wear more concealing clothing, she also might not notice a change.

Also, I don't see anything wrong with some level of joking about things that make you uncomfortable, as I do it, too (and so does my T--he has even admitted to doing this in session, like that he'll make a joke during a session when he might be feeling uncomfortable). But if you *only* joke about it, your T might not think it's that serious. I think in this case, both showing *and* telling is a good idea.

You could write down how bad things are and give it to her. That way you say what needs to be said.

To be honest I don't remember much from therapy today. I know we discussed stuff and made a plan for Thanksgiving, but what that plan is...

This is why I hate myself. I waste so much time in therapy because I can't pay attention and when I do I forget it within 10 seconds.

When I can't remember well I ask my therapist or pdoc to give me a few sentence notes written down at the end of the session. Both are happy to do it and it really helps me to look back and see what was discussed. It's not like the whole session or anything, just 2-3 highlights.