I think I ruined therapy

Need some help processing this!
So I’ve been telling my T I hate her for a few weeks 🙈 Done as respectfully as possible but you know, still not great for the client / T relationship.
I told her last week where I think it could be coming from. I don’t know if anyone remembers me posting about her asking me something that was likely to make me fall apart while knowing I was unaware that she was about to be extremely absent for 3 weeks.

Well anyway, I have been reluctant to talk about anything childhood related because it just makes me feel like I need her and I don’t trust that she will be there after the above incident. Anyway I told her that I think that’s what has been bothering me and the reason I’m being rude to her when she starts bringing things up. I’ve told her to shut up (I know 😬&#128584 and f* ck off both times she has tried to either go there or show kindness/understanding recently.
Well it’s more like I sit there incredibly uncomfortable until I can’t bare her talking any longer then I have an outburst of the above words which I apologise for 🙈🙈
This happened 2 weeks in a row and I felt so terrible that I decided to open up and tell her what my problem is or else I will have to stop going because I can’t bare the guilt.

So I told her I have no tolerance for her trying to talk about my childhood etc because it feels to me like she’s trying to lead me into opening up until I hurt so bad that I feel like I NEED her so that she can abandon me like she would have done the last time except I didn’t fall for it. And I think I am sabotaging our relationship to protect myself and I can’t stop. I got it all out, am not sure how she took it but she did try and offer me more stability etc. by telling me when she would be taking time off next, which I responded to with I don’t need to know because I don’t need you 🙈🙈

Anyway, she cancels our next session, gave a legitimate excuse and apologised. The thing is, she’s only cancelled twice in all the time I’ve seen her and it was the same excuse she used last time. MAYBE that thing happened twice in 4 months at my exact session time. Or maybe it’s a different reason and she likes to use that particular excuse, she doesn’t have to tell me why in fairness and I respect that.

But I’m at my hardest point so far in therapy. Liking her as much as I used to is no longer part of the motivation for going ( Coz I’ve lost that feeling) I feel like I’ve ruined our relationship and the whole thing just seems so awkward, cold and distant (congrats to me) and it’s already so f*cking hard to work through. On one hand I feel awful for the way I’ve been and on the other I know I did it for this very outcome.

So my question is, do you think I’ve crossed a line and should just quit? Is it likely that I’ve just been too much to deal with and she needed a break from me this week? I guess it’s none of my business either way but I just don’t know how I can keep going when I feel like I’ve ruined everything. On the other hand I think to myself not to flatter myself that she even thinks about me that much ahead of session..
I don’t know if I can work through this one. I always told her i turn everything bad and here we are.

Thank you if you made it this far! Advice please ❤️