I think I ruined therapy

Need some help processing this!
So I’ve been telling my T I hate her for a few weeks 🙈 Done as respectfully as possible but you know, still not great for the client / T relationship.
I told her last week where I think it could be coming from. I don’t know if anyone remembers me posting about her asking me something that was likely to make me fall apart while knowing I was unaware that she was about to be extremely absent for 3 weeks.

Well anyway, I have been reluctant to talk about anything childhood related because it just makes me feel like I need her and I don’t trust that she will be there after the above incident. Anyway I told her that I think that’s what has been bothering me and the reason I’m being rude to her when she starts bringing things up. I’ve told her to shut up (I know 😬&#128584 and f* ck off both times she has tried to either go there or show kindness/understanding recently.
Well it’s more like I sit there incredibly uncomfortable until I can’t bare her talking any longer then I have an outburst of the above words which I apologise for 🙈🙈
This happened 2 weeks in a row and I felt so terrible that I decided to open up and tell her what my problem is or else I will have to stop going because I can’t bare the guilt.

So I told her I have no tolerance for her trying to talk about my childhood etc because it feels to me like she’s trying to lead me into opening up until I hurt so bad that I feel like I NEED her so that she can abandon me like she would have done the last time except I didn’t fall for it. And I think I am sabotaging our relationship to protect myself and I can’t stop. I got it all out, am not sure how she took it but she did try and offer me more stability etc. by telling me when she would be taking time off next, which I responded to with I don’t need to know because I don’t need you 🙈🙈

Anyway, she cancels our next session, gave a legitimate excuse and apologised. The thing is, she’s only cancelled twice in all the time I’ve seen her and it was the same excuse she used last time. MAYBE that thing happened twice in 4 months at my exact session time. Or maybe it’s a different reason and she likes to use that particular excuse, she doesn’t have to tell me why in fairness and I respect that.

But I’m at my hardest point so far in therapy. Liking her as much as I used to is no longer part of the motivation for going ( Coz I’ve lost that feeling) I feel like I’ve ruined our relationship and the whole thing just seems so awkward, cold and distant (congrats to me) and it’s already so f*cking hard to work through. On one hand I feel awful for the way I’ve been and on the other I know I did it for this very outcome.

So my question is, do you think I’ve crossed a line and should just quit? Is it likely that I’ve just been too much to deal with and she needed a break from me this week? I guess it’s none of my business either way but I just don’t know how I can keep going when I feel like I’ve ruined everything. On the other hand I think to myself not to flatter myself that she even thinks about me that much ahead of session..
I don’t know if I can work through this one. I always told her i turn everything bad and here we are.

Thank you if you made it this far! Advice please ❤️

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I understand why you think she might have canceled because she doesn't want to see you, but I doubt that's the reason. If it is, that seems very petty and also a bit dishonest of her. I would tell her what you're concerned about, both that you're concerned she canceled because you were too much to deal with and that you're wondering if you should quit because you feel you've ruined everything. I forget whether you can email her--if that's an option, you could tell her there, or else wait to talk about it next session. If you don't think you can say it out loud, you could write or type it and hand it to her.

You could come right out and ask if she wants to keep working with you. I know that's a scary thing to ask. And she might just turn it around, saying it's up to you, not her. But I asked my T this earlier this year when it just felt like he was sick of me (from some comments he'd made). His saying "I do want to keep working with you" and seeming genuine really helped me. (And he's not the sort who would lie.) And he said he thought there was still work that we could accomplish together.

So I'd consider coming right out and asking her. It seems like you're hitting on some important stuff in your work here. So it would be a bad time to leave, especially if you mistakenly think your T doesn't want to work with you anymore.

I hope you can talk to her about it and that she can reassure you that you haven't ruined things. And that she still wants to work with you.

Thank you for your advice ❤️ I don’t email but I can message her directly and she does always reply fairly quickly. She messaged to reschedule and I actually told her I didn’t want to confirm just yet as I was close to quitting but felt I should think it through for a day. She suggested I come for a final session either way. I appreciated her seeming to care enough to suggest that but know I will not go for a final session if I am going to quit. I was using her cancelling to fuel my desire to quit and if I see her again it will just mess with my head.
I wish I could stop hating her but I don’t know how. I don’t want to quit and be beaten again by this thing that makes it impossible for me to be close to others but at the same time being ‘close’ to her is just too painful. So where do I go when it seems all my options are *****?
I will sleep on it but know I will probably go back as I will not find anyone like her. I just want to stop pushing her away but I don’t know how

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, AnaWhitney. I think LT has some good thoughts. I wish I did. I just wanted to, I don't know, try to help you feel less alone in it or something because I have been through the whole push/pull thing with my long-term t for seemingly forever. Well, not constantly; it comes and goes. Sometimes we talk it through and I stay, sometimes we take a break for a while. Both talking it through and taking a break have had their positives, I suppose. But I wish I knew how to just make it stop for good.

I hope you can talk with her about it and I wish you all the best.

Sounds completely normal to me. I've done almost the exact same things in my therapy. The pain you feel is unbearable, the needing and the pain of that and rejection.

Of course you need to tell T exactly how you feel how even her using the same excuse feels like she maybe bluffing Why she had to cancel. But what I discovered was T couldn't never not let me down at some point or other but it's in how it's handled. I was let down as a baby so dramatically that there was no learning about let downs in a normal gradual way for me, it just ripped me apart. But each time I felt let down and talked about it eventually with T I learnt to tolerate the pain. I grew to experience that being let down is normal and tolerate that. We have to experience that wound but with a different outcome. A better handling. It still difficult for me but I don't fall apart, I don't act it out am able to talk it out and process it without getting stuck.

Thank you so much guys, I really appreciate all the advice and support. It’s just so awful watching yourself sabotage another relationship and not being able to stop. I had to and be able to confirm my next session. I don’t want to hate her anymore. I don’t know if I can keep fighting my way out of it either. We were about to start DBT

That's why we enter therapy so we can be exactly how we are without sabotaging. No normal friend can tolerate the wild swings if emotions they're not trained. Unless they've done their own therapy then hate and fear doesn't scare tthem.