FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,646
(SuperPoster!)
10 7,041 hugs
given |
#101
3.5 more days. I've been 97 days without her. I'm not sure I want her back. I'm still not sure this pain is worth it. And I still can't make a decision on our rituals. She wanted us to follow through with our previous plan made before she left. My gut says no. I don't want her to feel good feelings and I don't want to feel good feelings towards her either.
__________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
Reply With Quote |
AnaWhitney, ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail
|
Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,312
13 3,456 hugs
given |
#102
I'm sorry this is so difficult for you, Scarlet.
What you need is the most important thing here. If your gut feeling is that you can't face the rituals right now, then you don't have to stick to them just to please L. Maybe saying the words 'I'm struggling to feel safe enough to reconnect with you.' would help in some way...just to bring it into the space, so that she understands why you are uncomfortable with the rituals. It's your therapy, and you deserve to feel comfortable with how it takes place. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,646
(SuperPoster!)
10 7,041 hugs
given |
#103
L emailed me an updated plan. I feel like she's starting to listen to me, but is also still not understanding everything. We're not going to hug or hold hands. We're going to sit on furniture, not the floor. There are a few things I don't like/agree with. I'm not sure if I want to do breathing with her. I don't think I want to do Pick Your Poison. And I definitely don't want her to say she loves me when we end session. I believe she'll respect my wishes, but I don't feel she is understanding my boundaries.
She also suggested I bring my dog to comfort me. I think I will do that. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight, Taylor27, unaluna
|
Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,514
(SuperPoster!)
9 75.9k hugs
given |
#104
Quote:
I'm glad she's listening some more, but hope she'll be able to understand better. Bringing your dog sounds like a great idea. Have you found out what her office will look like, if it's any different? I really hope the first session goes fairly well for you, or at least better than you expect. I'm sure it will be difficult and painful and it will take time to build back trust and connection. |
|
Reply With Quote |
ScarletPimpernel
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,646
(SuperPoster!)
10 7,041 hugs
given |
#105
She doesn't even know what her office looks like. Saturday will be her first time there. She said her and her work partner haven't discussed changing anything, but she doesn't know.
Thank you for your well wishes. I'm scared. AND her last two emails haven't upset me except for the "love" thing. She was really good at mirroring, so I feel like she's listening. I just worry about how things will turn out. There's a lot of pressure on both of us, I feel. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight, Taylor27, unaluna
|
Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 1,479
8 41 hugs
given |
#106
Hi Scarlet
Try not to worry about what Saturday will hold. One technique helpful to me is to try and just stay in ThE day so to speak. Worry about Saturday on Saturday not on Thursday or Friday. This may not be so accessible to you at first but with practice, it has been a big help to me so I pass it on to you Worrying before hand takes a huge amount of energy with emotions. I used to worry and wonder myself sick about what COULD happen and most of the the all the bad stuff I thought about didn't happen. Deep breaths ....and remember how far you have come these three months with minimal support. __________________ True happiness comes not when we get rid of all our problems, but when we change our relationship to them, when we see our problems as a potential source of awakening, opportunities to practice patience and learn.~Richard Carlson |
Reply With Quote |
ScarletPimpernel
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,646
(SuperPoster!)
10 7,041 hugs
given |
#107
Deejay,
Yes, you are right. One day, one hour, one moment at a time. It's how I was able to get through all the hard things on my own. I think I'm struggling with that is because there is just SO much at risk. And because the decisions rest on me. It's my choice to do rituals or not. It's my choice to continue the relationship or not. That's a lot of pressure. When I was dealing with the other stuff, I didn't have many choices. I just had to survive it and hope for good news. I've been trying to sleep the days away. Time seems to be going extremely slowly as it's been getting closer to Saturday. Can I just fast forward 6 months from now? So I know what happens, but I don't have to go through it? One moment... one moment. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
Reply With Quote |
ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, unaluna
|
Member
Member Since Jun 2015
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 434
9 394 hugs
given |
#108
Thinking of you tomorrow Scarlet! Really hope it goes well ❤️❤️
|
Reply With Quote |
ScarletPimpernel
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,646
(SuperPoster!)
10 7,041 hugs
given |
#109
Thanks Ana!
__________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
Reply With Quote |
AnaWhitney
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,646
(SuperPoster!)
10 7,041 hugs
given |
#110
I've been trying to distract myself all day: sleeping, watching tv, cooking, cleaning. I've also been concerned about some abdominal pain. I think it's my cyst. But mostly I've been struggling with all my feelings about L and tomorrow. I'm trying really hard not to worry, but my feelings are overwhelming me. We already have a solid plan that I completely agree with. But I'm still having conflicting urges. One moment I think I want to hug her. The next, I want to ghost her. Then I want to yell at her. Then I wonder if I'm being too hard on her. And there's more, too! I feel like a ping pong ball is bouncing around in my head.
I was doing decently on my own. Sure having a therapist would help. But it also hurts. I still wonder if it's all worth it? __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
Reply With Quote |
AnaWhitney, ArtieTheSequal
|
Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert of my soul
Posts: 7,530
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,957 hugs
given |
#111
Thinking of you today, Scarlet.
|
Reply With Quote |
ScarletPimpernel
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,646
(SuperPoster!)
10 7,041 hugs
given |
#112
Well, that went way better than I expected. Nothing is solved. Feelings are still there. But she listened to me and didn't try to make any excuses. She took all my emotions and seemed to hold them. I cried the whole time. I couldn't bare to look at her until the end. I was so confused about what I wanted in the end and she could tell. She asked me if I wanted to do our goodbye rituals. I told her I was punishing myself just so she wouldn't get any joy. She said she didn't feel any joy and that our goodbye rituals would not make her feel joy either. So I agreed. We said "I love yous" and we gave each other a huge hug. She let me hold her hand and we did two deep breaths before saying goodbye.
I asked her if she thought trust could be rebuilt. She said she didn't want to assume, but theoretically, yes so believed so. She said she's open to learning and changing her perspectives. I also asked her if she really felt she invested into my good (part of our definition of love) while she was on leave. She said she believes she did. Not that she didn't hurt me or was wrong, but that she wasn't trying to hurt me. I might not completely trust her anymore, but I think I can trust her to be honest. I don't think she's ever lied to me. I have a lot to think on. A lot to hold. A lot of decisions to make about next session, our rituals, her being on my safety plan, continuing or not, etc. Is it wrong that today, everything felt worth it? I don't forgive her, but it sure felt nice being heard and being touched. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
Reply With Quote |
AnaWhitney, ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, Taylor27, unaluna
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,784
(SuperPoster!)
9 1,292 hugs
given |
#113
You have a good t Scarlet. It certainly is worth it. Good job.
|
Reply With Quote |
AnaWhitney, ScarletPimpernel
|
Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,514
(SuperPoster!)
9 75.9k hugs
given |
#114
Hugs, Scarlet. I'm glad it went better than expected. I hope you can continue to rebuild the connection and trust.
|
Reply With Quote |
ScarletPimpernel
|
Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert of my soul
Posts: 7,530
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,957 hugs
given |
#115
Hugs Scarlet, i'm also glad it went better than expected. I hope so much that you are able to work things out with her.
|
Reply With Quote |
ScarletPimpernel
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,646
(SuperPoster!)
10 7,041 hugs
given |
#116
I'm having a hard time tonight holding onto the BOTH/AND. I love her AND I'm angry at her. I hugged her AND I don't trust her. She's never lied to me AND what she wrote (about little Scarlet and about not needing to keep myself safe) were a lie. She abandoned me AND she's back. I feel attached again AND I'm terrified of her. Good feelings AND negative feelings. It would be so much easier if I could just hate her and leave.
I keep going back and forth from how difficult the leave was to how good today felt telling her I loved her and hugging her. I feel mad at myself, like I'm betraying myself and my experience, by admitting that I love her and taking in the hug. I just can't let go of what I went through. Are all relationships this complicated or is it just therapeutic ones? Because this is emotionally exhausting. I literally have a migraine from this all. Well, at least I'm trying. I showed up, I was open and honest with her and myself. I took a step forward and allowed her in. I hope I'm doing the right thing. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
Reply With Quote |
AnaWhitney, ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail
|
Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,312
13 3,456 hugs
given |
#117
I'm proud of you, Scarlet.
You showed up and you allowed yourself to be honest about your experience. That kind of push-pull is bound to happen when you haven't seen one another for so long. I hope your next session will bring you more clarity. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,646
(SuperPoster!)
10 7,041 hugs
given |
#118
Thanks Lost. That means a lot to me.
This morning, still confused with everything, I have hope. I have hope because the connection did come back. It's scary, terrifying even, and I think a good thing. If L and I could get back to something similar that we had before, it would mean so much to me. Somehow and at some point we'd have to work on the dependency piece. And if/when this happens again, we need to find a competent and adequate alternate support. For now, I guess it's a lot of processing and rebuilding trust. I need her to also own her part in all of this, which I don't feel she has yet. I know I need to own my part, too. It feels like there's a mountain in front of me. But I think I'm willing to climb it. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
Reply With Quote |
AnaWhitney, LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail
|
Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,312
13 3,456 hugs
given |
#119
You make some great points, Scarlet.
I think you've laid out a good path for what your immediate future with L might look like. I wonder whether you could think, and maybe write (for yourself - you don't have to post it here...) about what L owning her part in this might look like. Know that I'm cheering you on. Take care, Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
|
Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,514
(SuperPoster!)
9 75.9k hugs
given |
#120
Quote:
I do think what Lost said about thinking on what it would mean for her to own her part. What you'd want from her. It seems like it could be a good discussion. I imagine she'll be willing to do so. That was really a big part of what made me leave ex-MC--that he wouldn't own his part in what happened. Dr. T has seemed better in owning it lately. It can make such a difference (in any relationship, really). |
|
Reply With Quote |
ScarletPimpernel
|
ScarletPimpernel
|
Reply |
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Forum | |||
How long did your therapist take for maternity leave? | Psychotherapy | |||
Admin leave/short term disability/long term | Insurance and Finances | |||
Admin leave/short term disability/long term | Work and Careers | |||
No Short Term or Long Term Disability for Pre-Existing Conditions | Work and Careers | |||
Short-Term and Long-Term Disability offered through my employer | Bipolar |