Long-term clients and maternity leaves

Glad you liked my analogy, I was worried it might sound flippant (comparing something so deep like a bond with sugar).

Just wanted to add that you should be really proud of yourself. You are showing huge strength, not only being able to appraise the situation from an outside perspective and not immediately getting consumed by it again but also actively trying to fix it, basically completely on your own, even though doing so is incredibly painful. I think a lot of people in your situation would lack self-enquiry and self-reflection and immediately get consumed by the relationship again and try to forget the pain ever happened. Instead of that you are using the pain to improve things for yourself in the future.

I can see two main tasks that you'll have to contend with as this goes on.

The first is working out what you want your future relationship with her to look like, so you can deal with each temptation as it comes instead of rejecting all or having to agonise over each one. It is definitely possible to have some intense nice things if they are in moderation and you aren't dependent on them, then you get to fully enjoy them when they happen (and when you really need them) but be OK when they aren't.

The second would be whether you want to stay with her long term or find someone else. Maybe the confusion and hurt never goes away and it is too hard to transition to a more distanced relationship. Maybe it is a bit like having an ex-boyfriend whom you really love, but who cheated on you. The love makes you want to keep them around as a friend, but you find the hurt and love don't fade and it is too hard to see them regularly and you have to say goodbye for your own sake.

Both of these are very, very hard. They both involve transitioning to fruit as sweetness, none of which you like the taste of now (due to the chocolate) but you know theoretically will taste just as good once the transition is complete. But you can't know for sure. Maybe you spend months trying to get used to strawberries and it actually turns out you hate them and you like apples instead. Or you thought you would eventually get used to one square of chocolate a week but it turns out that square drives you crazy with wanting more and that refuses to fade with time like you thought it would.

I haven't had a relationship like yours but I can picture what it might have been like in some of my worst times. It would have been a lifeline, and made things completely bareable, and I would have made better choices with a support like that. I would not have been able to find the strength to resist it like you have!

It will be tough to figure it all out and maybe you make a wrong choice to start with and have to correct your path, maybe even more than once. If your first choice turns out to not be right for you I believe you are strong and won't give up, you'll learn something from it and stick to the path of making your future better.

I just emailed T asking for her input about trusting L, boundaries, session frequency, attachment, etc. And she emailed me back 30mins later. She's not known for long emails, but she did a good length this time.

She thinks I'm feeling resentment. That I should work on understanding and forgiveness. She thinks I should accept what happened and move on. She said I don't have to forget or dismiss my experience and feelings. Just that I need to accept what happened.

She also thinks I can continue to trust L. However, she wants me to try out being less attached. She said it's okay that I have boundaries and am keeping L at arm's length. She said I can always take down my walls later. But to practice what it's like to be less attached in a safe therapeutic space. But overall, she wants me to be open and honest with L about everything.

That sounds spot on.

Resentment is poisonous. Sometimes we just have to accept that whatever happened sucked and move forward. Spending emotional energy rehashing and resenting things that are over with keeps you stuck in bitterness that serves no one.

Your therapist is back. She didn’t set out to hurt you. She’s still there. Hanging on to the resentment is keeping you stuck. You are doing that to yourself and you deserve to allow yourself to move forward. She seems like a caring person. Forgiving and moving forward doesn’t negate your feelings; it simply puts you in control of your future. You CAN choose to honor your feelings and experience AND move forward. It isn’t one or the other. It can be both.

I think I want to move forward. But I'm scared. Plus, I don't know how to forgive without some sort of closure/understanding. Everything is still fresh, too.

I know she's back and that she didn't mean to hurt me. And she did hurt me. I'm going to have to go through this again at some point. I don't want a repeat of being super attached and not having support

This is what - oh who is that guy, the good enough mother guy - calls the rupture - repair cycle. Its not that there is NEVER a rupture. We are human, we are not perfect. But the good enough mother comes back.

I wonder what our NOT good enough mothers did to cause such distrust and resentment. I remember being around 2 years old and asking my dad if he would please tell my mother to move out, like the way they had gotten rid of the boarder. How could i have no freaking idea she was my family? I just knew she was never nice to me. Its kind of horrifying to have such a clear memory. I truly believe you are reliving a similar childhood betrayal. Like your sister being born. Something. It clipped your synapses a long time ago.

Donald something.

ETA - THANKS, lost, yes, winnicott. Thats why it feels so impossible - the clipped synapses. Clipped isnt the right word, but we were developing and growing and the next move would have been repair and trust , only it didnt happen. Tiger Woods was golfing from like infantfood. We were distrusting even longer. Probably from the womb. The ability to trust - its like asking us to golf like Tiger.

But nobody is asking quite that of us.

Winnicott, perhaps?

I'm not sure you necessarily need to forgive. A rupture years ago with my T was his push for me to forgive my mom for some stuff. He just seemed hung up on "forgiveness" being the answer to everything (he's since backed off).

I think it's possible to move forward without forgiving. Maybe you could eventually get to that place, but you aren't ready now--plus, she's only been back a couple weeks. I think you can still work on moving forward with her, while still remembering that she hurt you and that it's not all OK. Maybe your relationship can't be exactly the same as it once was, and if you're looking for that, it may not be realistic. But you can rebuild something new. I forget what you called it--maybe it was just "AND thinking." But you could think, "I was hurt by her, AND I'm still going to try to have a relationship with her."

I did have a similar memory when I was in preschool/kindergarten. Most children cried when their parents dropped them off. I always cried when my mom came to pick me up. I also know that ever since kindergarten, I've been attached to other women as a mother-figure. And my dad has told me that when I was a baby, my mom wanted nothing to do with me because I was colicky.

Yes, LT. Both/And. That's what L taught me. That two opposing things can both exist.

I do agree with you. I do want a relationship with her AND she has hurt me. I just don't know what our "new" relationship is like, what is the middle path? How do I get my needs met, within her boundaries, that is healthy?

I think I am moving forward, just dragging my feet complaining along the way. I show up. I talk even if it takes me awhile. I'm still open and honest with her. And I tell her I love her (I do). I think that's what's saving us: that I still love her. It keeps me invested. That and our history. I gave her my all for our relationship and this journey. And I believe she's always been honest with me. That's huge for me.

Holy carp scarlet. God i HATE those little off the cuff statements that have such a world of hurt in them.

If there is no synapse, its like the road just drops off, no pavement, no way forward. But you can always build yourself one of those rope bridges, right? Ah ha ha.

I didnt cry getting dropped off at school either.

Another hard session and again crying the whole time. I shouldn't be surprised. I think this will be a trend for a while.

We covered a lot of ground. So much so that I don't actually remember most of it. I know we talked about shame and embarrassment for my feelings and attachment. I know I said I felt no shame for my push/protective parts. I told her how I felt it was her responsibility to make sure I had a good therapist, and that because it didn't work out, she could have reached out to a colleague and ask them to help me find another therapist. We talked about physical boundaries I have, and how emotional boundaries are harder. Hmm. That's really all I remember. But I know there was more.

I've agreed to try to add Tuesday sessions. For now, it will be on the phone. I just have so much shame that it's hard to make eye contact, so video would be extremely difficult. I feel like I'm giving into her by agreeing to Tuesdays. I don't want to fall back into the dependency and extreme attachment. But her reasonings made sense, so I agreed.

Another crying session, but this time I think it was productive. Not exactly productive for our relationship, but productive in therapeutic value. Well, maybe for our relationship because today I felt like she was emotionally in it with me. I think so at least.

We talked about emotional object constancy, how I struggled with it during her leave, realistic expectations, and examples of how I able to have it now. We also talked about how my life has been unfair to me especially how my childhood has affected me. We discussed how I try to be small, good, and perfect, and lower my expectations of people. And how I fawn instead of being assertive.

Having it be a phone session was both good and bad. I wasn't affected by her presence and didn't feel like she was staring at me. Also, I had an "escape" by hanging up the phone if I needed to. But I missed the "withness" of in-person. And on the phone, I have to constantly be talking and can't have a silent break. Overall, even though I'm more triggered in-person, I prefer it.

Overall, I think it was good. Baby step forward. Scary because I have to take another step, but reassuring that maybe we will be okay.

Well done, Scarlet. One step at a time is all you can do. ❤️

I agree with Lost--glad it was productive, if painful.

Thanks Lost and LT! It means a lot to me to have yours and others support and to see that I'm trying. I am trying so hard. Like I told L today: I'm trying because I do believe she has been honest with me. While things might not make sense to me or I just don't understand, I don't think she's ever lied to me. So I keep trying.

I did therapy over the phone after covid started, and even though I missed T's physical presence, I found not being seen much easier to deal with, especially when trying to process really difficult stuff.

I know silences are hard, particularly over the phone. But you don't need to constantly be talking in therapy just because you can't see each other. Sometimes just sharing the silence with a T can be very powerful emotionally, and feel very healing, especially when you can sense they are really with you.

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Thanks East.

Silences are hard for me. I'm not used to them with L or in life. L has never left me alone in silence because I asked her not to. She's not pushy or anything. She just fills the silence. For example, she'll say that she's there and it's okay to need a break. Things like that.

I feel like if I was silent on the phone, she'll think I hung up on her. Video would at least give her evidence I'm still there, but I don't want to visually see her right now.

I get this. I very rarely have silence with my T. If I'm quiet, he tends to fill in the space with talking. Which is easier for me. With being silent on the phone, she should be able to tell if you've hung up, as the phone connection would have ended. (Though she wouldn't be able to tell if you'd, say, put the phone down and walked away.) Maybe you could talk about how to do silence on the phone?

Random idea: I have a white noise machine that I use to help me sleep. There are also (free) white noise apps on phones and tablets, like iPads. Or a fan could serve the same purpose. Just wondering if there's something that makes noise that you could have going in the background so L would know you're still there, but you wouldn't have to talk?

LT,
I actually do have a white noise machine! That definitely might work. Thanks!

Pdoc said something to me today: that L feels grief from losing my trust. I asked L if that was true. She said yes she does. My heart actually hurts for her. I want to be important enough to affect her, but not harm her. I can't just forgive her, but maybe I'm being too hard on her. The fact that my trust still means something to her...means something to me.