Long-term clients and maternity leaves

I don’t know if this is helpful at all, and I hope it is not invalidating in any way. As someone who was also quite attached to their therapist, I can definitely relate to the feelings of anger, anxiety, and intense disappointment about therapists going on maternity leave and the uncertainty surrounding it. Your feelings are valid and I hear you that you’re feeling really angry right now. I am not sure if this is helpful at all, but my therapist actually disclosed to me that maternity leave is crucial for new mothers so they don’t become burned out. There is actually a lot of research on duration and how that can prevent burn out and mental illness. At the time, when my T told me this, I was incredibly angry at the idea that my therapist would need to prevent burn out. However, I realized that new moms can feel burned out too - just because they care or want to be there for someone (client, new baby, etc), that doesn’t mean they can’t still feel overwhelmed and need time to readjust. I understand that you’re angry that there is so much uncertainty around whether she will have more kids or not. When my T left for leave, actually forced me to rely on the skills I learned in therapy to self regulate and practice holding the connection from afar. For me, it was a step toward growth, because while my T has assured me she’s not going anywhere, I don’t think I would be able to see her twice weekly for the rest of my life. It showed me that connection will be there no matter what, and that helped me find comfort from other things/people. None of those things will replace my therapist obviously, but it helped me find freedom in the knowing that I will be okay with or without her, even though I’d be absolutely crushed if there was ever a day we’d have to say goodbye.

Thanks Oceana. I completely understand the need for a maternity leave. It's necessary for both mom and baby. And I want the best for L and her baby. I would be more pissed at her if she neglected her baby than neglecting me. She knows that I feel this way as well. I know her leave isn't to get away from me. And yet, I still must suffer while she's off fulfilling her dream of being a mom. (I have the same dream...but my chances are slim to none). I told her last year to not wait on getting pregnant. I supported her in fulfilling her dream because I know what that desire is like. I am struggling through this leave, but that's not exactly why I posted this thread. My fear is multiple leaves. That I wasn't expecting. That is what I wasn't sure if I was up for (still not 100% yet either).

I know exactly how you feel. My first two therapists both went on maternity leave and never returned. The third said she couldn’t help me anymore and when I asked if I could come back in the future she told me she was closing her practice (this was in the last 5mins of our final session. My last T went on maternity leave twice during the 3.5 years I was seeing her. The first time for 6 months and the second I don’t actually know because she refused to talk to me despite saying she was available on email and would “love to hear from me”. The last maternity leave put me over the edge and I dropped her. It was not an easy decision to make especially as I was still hoping T would contact me, I just didn’t know when. I’m glad I made the decision that I did as I now realise my previous T was totally incompetent and didn’t care about me at all. I want to file a complaint but she was sneaky enough to not technically breach any ethics. I still want her to pay for what she did to me. It’s not fair that I will have to deal with the trauma she caused for the rest of my life. I told her in my final session that I thought it was very deceitful for her to mention to me in the beginning she was thinking of starting a family. She tried to blame me and asked if I thought about that when I chose her. The whole thing was a disaster but it’s too long of a story to repeat here. Feel free to read my other posts about it though.

My recommendation would be to find a new T and the vet them early on so you can avoid this situation again.

Hi Scarlet, I just wanted to give a slightly different perspective about the grass not always being greener. I haven't had to deal with Ts going on maternity leave, as mine were already past their childbearing years. But seeing an older T can bring its own set of issues.

Previous T was only 6 years older than me but had to take a lot of time off because of serious illness, came back to work, then left again and subsequently died.

Present T is quite a bit older, but works from home and is also a carer for her partner, who has had several medical emergencies for which she has either had to reschedule or cancel our sessions. I live in constant fear of hearing one day that she has to stop working because of her personal circumstances. Her day to day life-situation does sometimes have a negative impact on my therapy; but at the moment I'm choosing to stick with her because for similar reasons to yourself, she is a great therapist. It was a hard job finding her after losing previous T. Although some distance away, I can see her in person if I want to. She allows out of session contact emails, texts, phone calls, hugs. All that would be incredibly difficult to replace. Then there's the months spent building the trust and the therapy relationship again with someone new.

So I do appreciate how difficult your dilemma is and how torn you feel. All I would say is don't rush into any decisions. I appreciate you want it sorted one way or the other, but take your time to consider all the possible options.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

I don’t think you can really vet anyone with 100% certainty.

Someone might have no kids but might end up taking leave of absence for sick relative or for their own health. But even when it comes to kids. I have a coworker who unexpectedly had to take 3 young children in due to tragic death in the family. It completely changed everything she ever planned to do. So even if one never wants to have kids, one might end up with them.

It’s all very frustrating but I just don’t know how it could be 100% prevented

Obviously it can’t be 100% avoided but in cases where it is planned a heads-up can and should be given especially when the client has a past history of being abandoned by therapists. I would not have chosen my last therapist had she told me in the beginning she was planning on starting a family.

L told me that we have decades... Not as a promise, but as an intention. I'm going to choose to believe that that is still her intentions. If I have to deal with future leaves, well, I guess I get to suffer future leaves. I'm 4.5 years invested into this relationship/journey. And it's not just what L does for me, but who she is. No one is perfect. I still don't think it's fair that she fostered dependency and attachment when she was planning on multiple pregnancies. I will be miserable and probably suffer each one...maybe...idk.

I'll have my session with L next Thursday, so maybe she'll have more answers for me? And I'll see T on the 3rd, so I can discuss this with her, too.

If you’re willing to let the therapist continue to cause additional suffering in your life that’s up to you I guess. Personally I do not pay thousands of dollars for someone to add to my trauma. I’m in therapy to get better, not worse.

But it isn’t that simple. If only it were

I doubt I am welcome in one of your threads given your previous comments about me being a bully and presumably thinking I contribute to your perceived toxicity of these forums, but I am going to comment anyway! There are some parallels being discussed here with my experience of therapy at the moment so this helps me make sense of what is going on for me.

Our own rhythms clashing with other people's timescales is really hard to navigate. It's painful and frustrating. However, it is also part of relationships and part of what makes relating to others energetic and revealing - as well as sore and grating. I think we lose sight of our agency when we talk about unfairness, suffering etc and I don't mean because we can make choices and use our power within the relationship (I agree that this is not easy and clients are not in a powerful position). I mean it from the point of view that these pauses in therapy, the other person's timescale taking priority, etc gives us the chance to experience more of what a relationship is truly about. Our stuff gets more room, gets to breathe, gets the chance to emerge beyond contact with the other. The therapeutic closeness, hand holding, emails, etc can be important aspects but they are only a part of the therapeutic story. I totally understand craving that kind of holding, but it is also limited.

I think what una said about a child therapist is really interesting and relevant - being able to tolerate and then grow whilst experiencing the pain of another's timescale feels really adult to me. I am not there, but I have an awareness of something. And let's not forget - if the therapeutic relationship continues after the pause, you have the space to explore what has happened for you. Living this stuff is the real work, not seeking seamless attunement.

As I say, this isn't clear to me and I lose sense of things, but it's definitely something I am thinking about and feeling into.

It depends what you mean by adding to your trauma. If you are talking about abandonment or re-traumatising acts, then I agree. However, experiencing a painful aspect of the therapeutic relationship (with the opportunity to process) is not traumatic - that's adult life, albeit complex and unpleasant.

I would agree with this, at least on some level--particularly considering the "with the opportunity to process" aspect.

For example, Dr. T has said/done some things that have been very painful for me--one thing late last year, around his reaction to my saying I loved him, I felt was retraumatizing in a way (because of what had happened with ex-MC and my high school teacher in the past--which he very much knew about). I had the thought to myself a few times "Why am I staying with him if I'm just going to feel pain from things he say/does?"

However, over the past year, at various points, we've revisited the "love thing" (as we call it). We have both come to a greater understanding about the other's reaction and feelings surrounding it. And I've found that to be healing in some ways. It was an opportunity I didn't fully have with ex-MC (because he put barriers up--yes, I understand why he did, but it kept me from working through what happened) and didn't have at all with the teacher. And an opportunity I didn't have with a few other people in my past, like exes or friendships that ended (a few, I was able to process with later).

Bringing this back to you, Scarlet, it could be valuable and, ultimately, healing for you to work through some of this with L when she comes back (and I know you're meeting with her soon, too, but I imagine this is a longer process). It could help you to, for example, express anger at her and tell her you feel abandoned, traumatized, etc., and have her still be there and accept all that and empathize. To realize someone can go away and then come back (which can be difficult for those of us, myself included, with abandonment issues). But the relationship and caring and support and connection are still there (even if it may take some time to really feel that).

You are welcome. The situation from before, about forcing others to accept a specific kind of support, yes I found bullying and toxic. But that's a different topic. Sometimes, like here, I find your support insightful and helpful. While I don't agree with everything, I do agree that this absence does give me the ability to do more of the "work" about myself, in therapy. I'm not sure I agree completely about "seamless attunement". I am not seeking that. It's impossible. No one can completely attune to anyone. Even L was saying that in order to form a child to form a healthy attachment, there only needs to be 30% attunement. Maybe connection is a better word? But even that I don't completely expect. Sure, I'd love to fit in her pocket and her just carry me around, AND at the end of the day, I must go home, on my own, and deal with and cope with life. I think my problem is the length of the leave, the length of the loss of connection. I get that some relationships go through periods of time where there's no communication, but other relationships, there is constant communication. To go from constant to almost none is difficult especially for 3+ months. Like a 1-2 week vacation would be hard, but this is 7x that length. For someone who was encouraged to attach and someone who has abandonment, rejection and favoritism issues, it makes it even more difficult.

Yes, I am complaining and throwing a temper tantrum of sorts, AND I am doing the work. I'm still here and I’m still trying to cope. And I haven't written off L. I haven't canceled anything with her and I haven't stopped communicating with her (though we only talk about issues once a week through emails).

I agree that not everything painful is traumatic. I also disagree that anyone can define traumatic for someone else.

I don't know that my experience in this situation is traumatic. Maybe to a degree? Maybe at the start. But also not based upon my reaction to everything. Sure I've cried and yelled, I'm experiencing grief, depression and anger. But I'm not in any danger of hurting myself or needing hospitalization. Again, at the beginning I was, but not now. I'm learning, rather slowly, how to go about my week without L. Maybe that's progress? Or inevitable growth?

But just because it might not be traumatic to me or you, doesn't mean it's not traumatic for someone else. Look at PTSD and war. Not all soldiers come back with PTSD. There are so many examples of how the same situation results in different outcomes for different people.

Thanks LT. Yes, I agree with all of this. That one, it gives me the opportunity to process, something that you don't usually get to do with "normal" relationships. And two, object constancy. It also teaches me not to throw a relationship away. My family is extremely good at disowning people. Working through issues can be hard for me. Especially when L actually has a lot of things that affect me. But right now, I am trying to hold onto the positives of our relationship (thank goodness there are a ton).

I am wondering about encouragement to be attached and dependent on a therapist. If it contributes to this problem? If you are encouraged dependency, but then are expected to be independent, then it’s a problem. Disconnect.

Do therapists understand that fostering dependency but then taking it away (even for a legitimate reason) is causing a major issue. It’s like they treat you (hypothetically you) like a child but want you to behave like an adult when facing adversity

Yes our family was very throwaway also. My way or the highway. They NEVER apologized. When a parent on some random tv show apologizes, scripted or reality, i always feel like im experiencing an alien visitation!

Then my mother started commenting about ME that i was inflexible. Where the heck did she think i learned it from? I was just doing as i had been taught. That awareness makes it somewhat easier to change, because you can see the reasoning or have different values to support your choices, but dang it is still near impossible to bend that grown-***** tree.

This is my opinion and I understand it may not be a popular, but I think the dependency that was fostered seems pretty problematic. I think part of what is making the leave so painful was the dependency, not the leave in and of itself. I feel like that is on the therapist to manage and control, so the leaves aren’t traumatic.

I have my session with L in two days, and I don't even know what to talk to her about. I just feel so much anger towards her. She knows because I told her in my weekly email Sunday night. I just feel like I have nothing to say to her and that there's nothing she can say to me that would help. I'm in this situation because of her, and now I'm alone without any support. Sure, T will be there in an emergency and our one time session next month. But as far as weekly support, there's no one.

What reassurances could I ask for? That I would believe? I can't think of anything that would be believable and comforting. There's just nothing I can think of that I want out of the session.

Hi Scarlet. I'm not sure how to answer this, the question about reassurances, in part because I struggle with believing reassurances as well.

I guess the question is what you feel you want out of the session. Could it help to just work on connection? I know you've done things before like play a game or ask each other questions. (I would say you could ask more about the baby, but maybe that would make you feel more distanced?)

I saw you posted something in Dear T about not wanting to do a safety plan (hope it's OK to mention that here!) Is it L that wants to do that with you? Or T, when you meet with her? If it's L, I definitely understand your not wanting to spend the session on that (well, with T, too).

Or do you think it might help to get your anger toward her out? The risk with that is, then you might feel more disconnected in the end.

Sorry, I know this probably isn't that helpful! Just trying to give you some things to think about. Consider how you might feel after the session--would you rather feel you've said what you needed to get out? That you tried to reconnect? Something else? There's no right answer--just stuff to think about.