Long-term clients and maternity leaves

How do you do it? How do you put your therapy on hold for 3+ months? Has anyone survived multiple leaves? It's not fair to a long-term client. Short-term can either choose to end therapy or find another therapist. Long-term are expected to wait. And when attachment and dependency are encouraged? And you go from 2 sessions and multiple emails a week to just 1 or 2 measly communications... What are you supposed to do?

I am talking to J and T about this. To my surprise, they seem to be in agreement with me, that maybe I should find another therapist. I thought they would convince me that I should be patient and wait. So maybe my pain is justified?

I feel betrayed by L. The way she said that she wanted more children made it sound like that was her plan all along. How could she accept me as a client, a long-term client, knowing that she would put me through multiple leaves? She already knew how attached I was when she made the decision to work with me long-term. (For those who don't know, L was only supposed to be a temporary therapist when we first started). And she knew how hard T's maternity leave was for me. It's like she turned a blind eye to it all. She didn't hold me in mind.

Now the burden rests on me. And I don't know what to do. I'm so attached. And I'm so miserable. I'm tired of being impacted by her life. There are therapeutic boundaries for a reason...

I have a session with L possibly next week. And I'm trying to see if I can get a session with T for sometime after the holidays.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Scarlet.

I haven't dealt with a T going on maternity leave...

I have dealt with a T going on what I later found out was compassionate leave for a similar period of time. All I was told at first was that R would be unable to make our next session, but she'd be in touch.

A couple of months of limbo followed, during which I posted here, spoke to friends about the experience, and used my journal.

During this time, I had no sense of what was going on...and wondered whether the person who held my safe space would return.

You've built up a lot of trust with L. Her life has changed in a pretty major way, and that's taking a lot of her attention right now. The chances are high that she's not entirely in therapist mode when talking to you.

The people we trust deserve our grace, where possible.

I can hear that you're scared and overwhelmed...and that sounds like it's fuelling the anger.

You can only face what you know is going to happen.
The future comes one step at a time.

You will find a way to navigate this through talking to those who are supporting you.

Take care,

Lost

That's tough one. From my experience I'd find a T of a more mature age. Yes things can up for everyone where time off might be needed. (it didn't for me with me with my last long term more mature T) Belief me you can get over the feelings you have now.

I agree, that's a tough situation. It sounds like you have been flexible and patient with your T and with her need to take a break for family reasons, which is kind of you.

At the same time, you are a paying client who has been transparent that you want to do long term depth work twice a week. IMO when a therapist offers to provide long term regular therapy to a client they should be able to offer regularly available weekly sessions without interruption (other than emergencies or that sort of thing). I wonder if she'll be able to provide that kind of consistency and dependability to clients going forward? It will be hard if she is planning another pregnancy and then raising very young kids. But maybe she can do it? Anyway, I think your pain and concern is justified.

Thanks Lost. I have built up a lot of trust with L. I have given my all to my therapy with her. And I know she has given a lot, too. And yet, here we are at an impasse. It's not like I can ask her to stop have children... I have had to hold a lot of things in terms of L's life affecting me: 2 office moves, 2 residential moves, 3 deaths, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, and then the months/year of fearing that she might have to move out of state. Those are just the things I feel comfortable listing here. Her life is constantly impacting mine. I get that's what real relationships do, but this isn't a real relationship like the rest of life's relationships. This is a therapeutic relationship. If I was a friend or family member, I could call her up just to see how she's doing. I could probably ask to drop by to see her and the baby. I wouldn't be cut off. I feel like she's playing both sides: allowing her life to impact me so much and holding therapeutic boundaries. That also isn't fair. The last 5 months of therapy have been about her and how she's affecting me. Before that, we were working on my childhood traumas. MY therapy has had to be put on hold.

You're right though. This is my anger. I have been holding so much grief and anger over this pregnancy and maternity leave. Even the fact that she chose G who completely failed me, and now I'm on my own. I don't know what I'm going to do. And it all depends on her timeline. She could be planning to get pregnant in the next year for all I know, and I'll be right back here sooner than later. She is considered older for childbearing years, so I could logical see her moving fast to have children. And what if it's not 1 or 2 more. She has 3 siblings. What if she wants the same? And where does that leave me? How can she be a good mother to multiple young children and hold down a career? From my perspective, she can't. She'll have to choose between being a mother and being a therapist. And if it came down to that, I'm out of luck.

I seriously don't know what to do.

That's what my H suggested: find a therapist past childbearing years. That would sopbe one problem, but then there would be other problems (when would that therapist retire? Die? etc.).

Feelings come and go, yes. And the situation can change (timeline of when she'll have more children, my situation, etc.). But for now, I'm having to hold these feelings alone, without her.

Thanks. I don't see how she can raise young children and be available for clients. I know I'm nothing compared to her children and they will get the attention over me. That's how it should be anyways. AND I don't know if I would have chosen her as long-term therapist if I knew there were going to be multiple children. Right now, everything in me is screaming "no"! I just don't see it working out. I just don't see "middle-path".

The Serenity prayer works here: grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Yes, very much so. However, the only thing I can change is myself and my situation. And I don't know what I want. To stay or to leave?

I am hearing, you want to minimize future problems. I say, dont borrow trouble. Like thinking, what if she wants five more kids? Not to give the evil eye, but there were some issues with this one, right? She had to quit early? I would wait and find out for sure what her plans are. Maybe this is her first and last? Maybe i missed that you already had this discussion with her. I dont think that discussion would be crossing boundaries. Maybe she doesnt know yet.

This all came about because I was worrying about another maternity leave. I emailed her asking her if she wanted more children. She said yes, she wants her children to have siblings just like her and her H do. So I'm not assuming she wants more kids. It's in her plans.

Hugs, Scarlet. I understand why this is so difficult for you--it would be for me as well. I have a few thoughts, some of which I know contradict each other.

First, she says right now that she wants more kids, but plans can change. She (and/or her H) might realize, say, 6 months from now that pregnancy and raising a newborn wiped her out, and she may not want to go through that again. (I know people who initially wanted to have more than one kid, then decided they were done after one.) Or they might see how crazy expensive daycare is (assuming there's no family that would do that) and realize they can't afford another kid. You also mention her being older--so it's possible she may not be able to get pregnant again.

Also, you have a really strong relationship with and connection to L. It could be difficult to find another therapist who offers all she does and with whom you feel a connection. I know when I've searched for other T's when I was having doubts about Dr. T, some said outright that they don't offer email. In fact, there was on who I was considering switching to back in February (I'm glad I worked things out with Dr. T instead), and part of what held me back was that she didn't allow email at all. Or other between-session support, like a call or texting. She said if she had room in her schedule, she could make an earlier appointment, but that was all.

I'm not saying that to be negative about your finding another T who could meet your needs--I'm saying that if all of that is very important to you, it could potentially be worth taking the risk of staying with L (assuming she returns when planned) and seeing what happens. If you find yourself fearing every session that she'll announce her pregnancy, it could be time to move on. Or maybe you just feel too betrayed right now and can't see returning to her at all.

On the other side of things, maybe you could take this time with L on leave to research other therapists. Many offer a free 15-minute consultation, sometimes longer (that one I considered switching to gave me 30 minutes free). Find out what they're willing to offer in terms of outside contact. See if you feel a connection to them. If you're open to virtual, being in such a large state, you'd have plenty of options. If you prefer in person, see who is in a reasonable driving distance. You'd probably have time to meet with a few (depending on their schedules) and see if anyone seems like a potentially good fit.

Someone suggested finding an older T, so you wouldn't need to be concerned about pregnancy. I know you're concerned about retirement, but if you found one who was around 50, say, I doubt they'd be retiring anytime soon and would also be very unlikely to be having a child (though I know it can be possible at that age). Ex-T was in her early 70s when I stopped seeing her, and as far as I know, she is still working, but that may be uncommon.

I hope you can find an answer that works for you. And I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

What LT said. Also, an older woman might not be a safe haven - i think there was an msf person whose t left to be a grandmother, who also thought she had a long term deal in place.

I still think you should look for a child psychologist. My male child t was my savior. Edgy but it worked.

Or find someone who specializes in CEN.

This sounds very unfair and difficult for you. I am sorry you are hurting. As someone who is so early in their T journey, I have nothing helpful to say like the others. But the way you put the above really stood out to me as a very crappy situation. Sending you hugs

You make good points, LT. It's why this decision is agonizing, and why I haven't chosen to do anything yet. Outside of her personal life affecting me, L is an awesome therapist for me. I think most would agree. I've made a lot of progress and have been able to process a lot. No one is going to be able to replace L. I just don't think anyone out there could be a better fit. And if someone is a better fit, what are the chances of me finding them? L was supposed to be my last therapist. She said we have decades together. There's just the problem of what her future of motherhood looks like and how it will all play out. I don't want to go through this again. Hell, anymore! I just want my therapist to be consistent and reliable.

I'm miserable. Some people have been saying how glad they were when therapy ended, the time and money they now have. I have that now, and I hate it. I can't do it. I need a therapist. And I need it to be L. The only way I see this working is if she steps it up more in terms of support. No interim therapist is going to work. J isn't even being helpful now. I hoping seeing T will help somehow, but I'm not putting much hope into it. H wants me to find someone now. But financially, we can't afford most therapists. I can't even afford T! I just feel so stuck.

To be fair, i said i was glad to be out after 40 years. Even michael corleone felt sorry for me.

I have been a member here for many years, but seldom comment. Your post really hit home for me. I have been where you are right now (twice) with my therapist. Her first pregnancy was rough for me, really rough. I felt abandoned and so heartbroken and so alone when she was on her leave. The first pregnancy we were smack in the middle of some trauma processing and I felt as if I had been left hanging with a raw open wound. We did not have time to close things up before she had to start her leave and had no arrangements to see anyone else during her absence. I won’t lie it was brutal and many many days I wondered how I was going to get through it. I entertained the idea of finding a different therapist completely. The reality for me was I felt angry, scared, betrayed and hurt. And part of me was silently hoping I’d hurt her by finding someone else. Sort of one of those “I’ll show you!” type of things. . I felt like I would lose what I had with her when she did come back. I spent days wallowing in the sadness that our therapy would change and so would she. I was back and forth (internally) telling myself nobody could help me like she has vs she sucks and “look at how she wronged me in all these other ways” I definitely need a new permanent therapist, preferably a nun 😏. My hurt feelings didn’t/don’t mean I wasn’t happy for her. I am happy she has a family and I respect her right as a person to live life outside of her role as a therapist. The two ranges of thought/feelings can exit together and not be black and white. I stuck the leaves out… miserably. And I won’t lie therapy changed. There were times once she came back appointments got canceled last minute due to sick baby, not enough sleep, etc. Eventually, we found our rhythm again and while different it is also more meaningful than it was prior to her becoming a mom.

Then tada she was pregnant again and I was yet again devastated in a totally different way. I had many of the same feelings as I did with her first pregnancy and my fears about her reliability were heightened. The second leave was better. I took my prior experience and together her and I developed a plan based on what I needed in her absence and what she could reasonably give me during her time off. When she was about 6 months pregnant I went and met two therapist who had agreed to cover her cases while she was on leave. I picked the lesser of two evils and about a month before she went out I did 2 joint and 2 individual sessions with the fill-in. I determined for myself what I wanted therapy with that therapist to look like and worked from there. I was fairly adamant with myself I was not going to talk trauma and would work on refining my coping skills and adding different things to my tool kit. For me, thinking like that helped and to my surprise towards the end of the leave I could tolerate him more and I did some really solid trauma work with him.

My therapist is back now and a mom of 2. She is older and considered high risk so I secretly keep my fingers crossed she is done having babies. Therapy is not like it was prior to her becoming a mom. She is not able to be as consistent as she was in the past and for a while that hurt and I felt rejected. I spent some time weighing my needs in therapy/from a therapist and what she could reasonably provide me. For example, I need consistency and unfortunately with two littles she cannot always give me that. I had a time when I was angry and felt insignificant when she would work her day job then tell me we could not meet later in the afternoon because x baby was sick, had a bad day, no sitter for the late afternoon. I made a choice to stick with her despite her being human and putting her family before me (half joking). I made my decision because at the end of the day therapy with someone with her skill set, someone I have a strong relationship with is worth it for me. I still get annoyed and pissy. It helps me to take my feelings out of it and look at it logically . It’s been a learning process for sure. I now know and believe it isn’t about me when she cancels. It isn’t about her being incapable. It’s life, her life and I can choose to keep doing the work with her or find someone else. For me the benefits of therapy with her outweigh the cancellations, the reminders I’m not as important to her as her family is etc.

I am sorry you’re going through this. I can understand where you are coming from and it 100% SUCKS. I get it and how your feeling makes perfect sense to me.

I understand your pain.

Unfortunately or fortunately future of motherhood is unpredictable. You just can’t know.

Heck future is unpredictable, period. Even the most wonderful therapist who never had kids or had family or lovers or friends or hobbies and devoted every minute of his life to his clients, never took vacation or got sick and never retired, might run into something tomorrow that will end his career abruptly in one day.

I think when L comes back or you get on With a different therapist, I’d focus on how to deal with unpredictability of life. How do you prepare to possibility of unexpected change? Could you work on that with your therapist. I understand wanting or needing something, but what do you do when you can’t have that?

Having said that I do get that it’s hard

Of course life is unpredictable. Today could be any of our last day alive. We don't know. But we live by hopes and dreams and plans. That's what we base our tomorrow's on. So I don't think I need to work on the unpredictability of life... It when someone else's plans never included you and you don't know where you stand. It's when your plans are different than your loved one's. It's feeling stuck. I think this whole situation needs to be processed, preferably with L since she holds the other half of the plans. But in the meantime, I hope to process it some with T. Even just being heard and feelings validated helps. Knowing that yes, life can sometimes be utterly unfair and suck. Doesn't mean the other person needs to change. It's my choice what I want to do.

LT,
I keep thinking about how difficult it will be to find someone not just that will be a fit, but allow me all the things L does: takes my insurance, is close enough to do in-person if wanted, emails, texts, phone calls, communication during vacations and leaves, hugs and handholding, etc. I just can't replace her even if I tried.

And so I'm feeling extremely stuck. If I want to stay with L, I have to suck it up and deal with any future maternity leave no matter how unfair it all is. And I think that's my choice. But I'm going to do it kicking and screaming and voicing my protest the whole way through. I don't have to like it. I'll still process it with T after the holidays and probably with L next week (if we have our session). I'm not happy. Angry, for sure. But people aren't replaceable... And I love L and want her to be happy. I just wish her happiness didn't come at my expense.