Therapist Care

Why is it important that a therapist care?

I struggle to think my therapist cares. She asked me today why is it so important?

I don’t have an answer. I just thought it is normal to want that because I tell her many difficult things, and when I do that with friends and get a supportive response, that to me indicates that they care.

Why is it different with her? Maybe it’s just so intense with her that could me it’s something else? Something that I looked for as a child?

@wheeler this is a good question: why is it important that therapists care?

If a therapist did not care their mind may be elsewhere and they would not be really helping you.

On the other hand, their caring is not the same as a parent. They do not want to be the object of the client projecting parental conflicts onto the therapist. They also want to avoid the possibility of transference or responding to romantic fantasies the client may have about the therapist. Basically they want a professional relationship with their client, so their caring is more of a professional caring.

If a therapist wants a personal and or romantic relationship with the patient, then this is a giant red flag. Ask them to stop and start looking for another therapist. If they are way out of line you may want to report their behavior to a professional associations therapists belong to. They prohibit those.

No good comes out of a therapist that is romantically involved with their clients. Even meeting outside of appointments is a red flag. @CANDC

Thanks Candc. I don’t want a romantic relationship, nor does she. I told her I don’t want her to be my best friend, I don’t want to text her all time. I just think it’s normal to have someone care about you because you tell them difficult things to them and I would think that would build a relationship .

I just feel like she’s questioning my questions. Like they’re not normal. And then ya, why do I need that.

Personally, I feel like it's normal to want someone to care about you, whether it's your therapist, a friend, a coworker, family member, etc. With a therapist, you're telling them things that maybe you aren't telling/haven't told anyone else. If they didn't care, then, I don't know, you might as well just be telling them to a brick wall. Or a computer.

It could be about looking for something you didn't get in childhood. And/or that you aren't getting now, or at least not at the level you want. (When I say "you" here, I mean a client in general, not necessarily you in particular, Wheeler.)

I've struggled at times to believe that my therapist cares because he doesn't tend to actually state that care out loud in those words. Like, he won't even use the phrase "I care about you" with clients, he's said. He'll say, "I care about your well-being" or "I care about your success." That he only uses "I care about you" for those in his outside life. And that bothered me for a time. Then he explained that for him, it wasn't about the *amount* of care, just the type. Which helped to know. And I've learned to feel his caring through things he does and other things he says. Which has helped me to do that with others in my life, even if they don't show "care" (and/or love) in the way I'd most want them, too. (But still, I wish my T would actually say the words "I care about you" sometimes...)

For me it was for the warmth I would feel from her caring as I'd never had it before and was at that stage unable to care about myself.

I would definitely take it this way too! (Why is she questioning it like it’s not normal) And would be bothered by it
But she probably asked the question so you could look a bit deeper ? I feel like that’s a therapisty kind of thing to do

Ya, I said I thought it was normal, and she said ‘’I didn’t say it wasn’t normal, but why is it important?’

I don’t remember, in 6 years, her ever asking me why I felt cared about by another. We certainly have talked about the closeness I feel with others when I open up. Especially with my wife when I talk with her about difficult issues.

Or maybe she thinks her caring about me is too important to me?

I certainly had a hard time with her questioning me. I got very frustrated, like she couldn’t hear what I was thinking.

Did I miss something? This is a huge leap. wheeler didn't mention anything about romantic intention or unethical therapist behaviour. Care doesn't equal boundary crossing.

I agree with LT that it is normal to want someone to care about you, especially if they are significant to you. I also think it is really important that she asks you about it so you can understand the meaning behind "care" and also the pain of uncare. The fact that you were frustrated and had a hard time is an indication that it's an important area for you and that there is lots to process.

Whilst it is normal to want others to care, it isn't a universal feeling. People can also reject care for a variety of reasons, or be unaware of the process of caring. A client might want a therapist to care because they have never experienced care and don't know how to receive or give care; a client might want care because it feels life-threatening to not be cared about due to trauma; a client might expect care because they are paying; a client might want a therapist to care because no one else in their life cares about them. The importance of care will be different depending on our individual processes. I can really relate to finding it hard to articulate the importance of something, especially if we haven't thought about it before and don't really have the language for it.

Does everything need to ‘therapized’? Why does wanting to be cared about by someone who is important to you cause for concern?
I guess that’s assuming she even is concerned. I guess not, it’s more just faction of her job.

Isn’t a therapist supposed to be important to you? If you cancel an appointment that’s viewed in many negative ways. I’m not committed, I don’t prioritize . I’m avoiding something.
But if it is important you’re too needy?

I don’t know. I know in therapy you’re supposed to really look at yourself and understand yourself better, but if feels like I’m pathological for wanting her to care

Thank you all for you responses. I have more to think about.

She’s gone for the next 3 weeks so hopefully I’ll find a balance between obsessively thinking about it and being open to finding a better understanding of myself

I definitely don't think that everything has to be therapized and some things just are. However, if you are in therapy and talking to a therapist about you feel about that therapist then they will do what they know to do - therapize. If it's an area of work which doesn't interest you or if you think the enquiries aren't relevant then you can tell her that. I would imagine that just because she is asking these questions there is no implication that you shouldn't feel what you feel or that there is something concerning about it, just that it is worth exploring. I wouldn't imagine (would hope) that she isn't saying, "why on earth do you feel that?!" but of course we don't know what she's saying or how she's saying it.

You’re right about knowing what/how she said it. I often, including in my real life, misinterpret what people are often trying to convey.

Maybe, as another therapist used to say ‘more grist for the mill’

Thank You

I also struggle with knowing if my T cares or not. I actually thought about asking him in my last session but didn't. I had already just told him that I am attached and didn't want to go further at risk of sounding completely crazy. While my therapist said he doesn't plan on terminating me as a client, I didn't feel any better after our conversation. I wonder if knowing if he does really care would make a difference in how I'm feeling or not.
I don't think he would answer me straight, I think he would say what your T said; "Why does it matter?" I don't have any good answers for you, but just know I feel the same way!