Homework - self harm

Trigger warning! This post is all about self harm

T asked me to think about the benefit of self harm to me. What am I getting out of it?
I don’t know. What if it is ever evolving and changing and there’s no specific answer? I feel like I should have one answer but I don’t.

It doesn’t always get rid of bad feelings. Recently it did get rid of the hatred I had for my T and I told her that. So yes that was the purpose, to get rid of the bad feelings and it worked.

But I also have had to do it several times in what I guess was a less effective way, since it didn’t actually get rid of the pain. That’s what I’m confused about as the method was quite severe. I’ve had to go about my work week while being in a lot of emotional pain that was unbearable. But the SH did not get rid of it, it was just comforting to feel both and not just the emotional pain. So I think my T was confused as to how it helped since it didn’t actually get rid of the pain. I’d just make it so that every time I moved I would feel physical pain. And it helped since I was in so much pain already. And It would be my way of getting through that week of people expecting things from me and having to be responsible etc. until the both types of pain gradually eased.

I also like to think I can do it if she hurts me. Having it as an option allows me to risk having a relationship with her because if she hurts me, so can I. Sounds manipulative, I know, but I’ve never said this to her. But now she is asking

I also tend to see the form of self harm in my head rather than actually think it. It changes and I can be surprised by the variety I’m being offered. It just lands in my head like there is someone there helping me and it really helps and makes me feel less alone

My T is not the type to freak out over self harm. She is incredibly cool about it and wants me to feel in control, I want her to understand but I’m not too sure about sharing the last bit as it sounds a bit crazy

I feel like other peoples self harm is more straightforward? Just looking for thoughts & opinions

Actually, I don't think this is all that unusual - or some variation along this concept. Or the having physical pain to distract from the intensity of the emotional pain. Also, the part of having the 2 heal together or somehow watching the physical heal does something with the emotional - heal? I'm not sure but it is something.

For me, there are a wide variety of reasons for my behavior and sometimes I can use the "doesn't change anything" reason to not do the behavior. Some are similar to what you posted.

Other times, I find myself doing before being really aware. It's really all over the map for me.

In the manipulation side of things, I even have a ... "you can't stop me" attitude at times. When things were at a more stable place, I let Dr. S know that there was this part.

Regardless of the why we do, what we do - I think what we get out of it is a slightly different question than why we do it. Like does it leave you feeling alive or able to concentrate? Do you feel powerful or in control? Do you feel relief from being punished?

I think that also varies some depending on the why and the type of SH you are doing - if you use multiple forms of self harm.

I'd say my "reason" for it varies as well. It's like an on/off switch, sometimes it turns emotions on, other times off. And sometimes it works well, sometimes it does not, and it's not that related to severity I find.

I've never thought of it as "if your hurt me I can hurt you", simply because I've never felt that anyone (besides my T) cared enough that it'd hurt them. I do think it would be useful to bring up with your T though. I doubt your T would get hurt over that, it sounds quite logical to me, even if "normal" people might think it's manipulative.

Thank you both for replying to me. It’s helpful to see your thoughts because I felt like my reasons were too complex and at one point when I tried to explain, it sounded odd and I said ‘oh that sounds very contradictory..?’ And she said ‘yeah it does…?’
Whereas really it is not straightforward and there is no single answer. Each time is different. So it was good to see that both of you understood that! As I felt she thought it should be more straightforward

Elio, yes sometimes I feel powerful and in control. That was definitely the case the last time I did it. The previous time was maybe a bit of self punishment but also being in so much pain that I needed to see it on me physically and I also needed to feel it to be able to function, even if functioning was still a painful battle.

CNS, it’s not if you hurt me I’ll hurt you, it’s more if you hurt me, I can also hurt me if that makes sense? I don’t have any desire to hurt her and never have, but if she hurts me it’s because I must deserve it so I like to know I can also hurt me?