Homework - self harm

Trigger warning! This post is all about self harm

T asked me to think about the benefit of self harm to me. What am I getting out of it?
I don’t know. What if it is ever evolving and changing and there’s no specific answer? I feel like I should have one answer but I don’t.

It doesn’t always get rid of bad feelings. Recently it did get rid of the hatred I had for my T and I told her that. So yes that was the purpose, to get rid of the bad feelings and it worked.

But I also have had to do it several times in what I guess was a less effective way, since it didn’t actually get rid of the pain. That’s what I’m confused about as the method was quite severe. I’ve had to go about my work week while being in a lot of emotional pain that was unbearable. But the SH did not get rid of it, it was just comforting to feel both and not just the emotional pain. So I think my T was confused as to how it helped since it didn’t actually get rid of the pain. I’d just make it so that every time I moved I would feel physical pain. And it helped since I was in so much pain already. And It would be my way of getting through that week of people expecting things from me and having to be responsible etc. until the both types of pain gradually eased.

I also like to think I can do it if she hurts me. Having it as an option allows me to risk having a relationship with her because if she hurts me, so can I. Sounds manipulative, I know, but I’ve never said this to her. But now she is asking

I also tend to see the form of self harm in my head rather than actually think it. It changes and I can be surprised by the variety I’m being offered. It just lands in my head like there is someone there helping me and it really helps and makes me feel less alone

My T is not the type to freak out over self harm. She is incredibly cool about it and wants me to feel in control, I want her to understand but I’m not too sure about sharing the last bit as it sounds a bit crazy

I feel like other peoples self harm is more straightforward? Just looking for thoughts & opinions