Ways to connect with Therapist

Hey all, it's been a long time since I've been here. Things have been going steadily ok in therapy with my new T and recently it feels like we De making some real headway with the trauma work, but I could use some input from people who understand, as there is something that is a continuing 'issue'. I've never felt connected to this T. We've talked about it time and time again, but never found a way forwards. I have a ridiculously rough time opening up and truly connecting with people on an emotional level, letting them in, but managed it with my Ex T through the use of safe, nurturing touch. My current T doesn't use this in her practice, and I am ok with that, but really struggling to find ways to connect without it. I do not make eye contact. In fact we sit side by side in session and I spend a lot of it turned away looking away from her because I do not wish to be seen, when talking about my trauma. As a result, it's really difficult for me to sense her presence in the room. Most of the time, that's fine by me, because I am terrified of having another person around when I think about this stuff, but I know the aim of my game is to let select people in, and to allow these long hidden secrets to be shared.

Today, in session, as I was recounting a memory from a written piece I had prepared (a monumental step in my work!) and feeling sad, my T said to me 'is there anything you need from me right now'. I was taken aback. I was confused. I didn't understand her question. Later, when I asked, she said she had meant did I need a tissue, or did I need her to close her eyes, or did I need her to stay quiet etc. Then she added - 'I didn't want you to feel alone with your sadness'. I am grateful that that is how she felt, but the question was really clumsy, and we have no real ways between us to help me not feel alone, when I can't see her or touch her.

I guess it would have been nice if she had just acknowledged my sadness and told me I wasn't alone, that she was there etc, but she has never been all that good at saying the right things, sadly.

So, I wonder if anyone has any suggestions on how we can help me to feel connected, if that is what I want, in times like this?

I have in the past considered asking her whethe she would touch the end of my finger if I held it out, or whether we could hold an object like a scarf between us sometimes. (I think she may have suggested that). And today I thought maybe we could get a piece of paper and both put our hands on it or something, but I would be most grateful for any other suggestions.

Thank you so much if you read all of this, I appreciate your time.

Hey Waterbear,


I'm glad you found a therapist you can work with. If she won't allow touch, I wonder whether you could choose a small object to bring into your session. Perhaps she would be willing to hold that crystal, or stone, or other token for one session, and in subsequent sessions you could hold it...almost like holding her hand but not.


I hope you can find a way forward.

Can you share an item with her? Like a blanket or the scarf? She charges it up by holding it, and then you can use her energy she puts into the item? I assume something soft would be preferable as touch is soft.

Why are you not facing eachother? Simply because it's too much for you? That might be a good goal for you. L's eye contact is difficult at times, but seeing her facial expressions are comforting to me. Maybe if the furniture is not set up for face to face, you could sit on the floor?

Letting people in isn't always what we think it is. Just by reading tit statement you've let her in or you'd not be able to read it. I sat sideways for 20 + years. The emotional damage I had/have still limits his fat in I will let someone or am able to let someone. But sharing personal is a sign she's thee where you need her.

One thing I used was push cars that we'd send back and forth between us as I talked. That helped me because then I felt like she wasn't looking at me while we talked but looking at the car or cars. It also created a connection of back and forthness that didn't really happen when I was relaying the memory/experience. I've heard others tossing a balloon, jugglers bag/block, or a ball back and forth. Those I think would require you to watch the person more. The cars require sitting on the floor but eyes can be on the floor not the T.

My head agrees with Therapy Reviewed on the idea that letting someone in or having connections to people might not feel like what we expect it to feel like. But the heart... well it's still really unsure what a healthy connection feels like or something like that.

A few thoughts:

One, could you consider playing a song for her that has some sort of meaning to you? My therapist was weird about this idea at first, and I only did it once, but playing the song (from my phone), then talking about it felt connecting.

You mention not wanting her to look at you when you're talking about trauma, how you sit turned away much of the time. You also mention how she asked if something you needed was her closing her eyes. I have no idea if this could help or not, but what if she kept her eyes closed for a bit while you faced her (you could both be talking or being quiet). Then, you'd see her, but she wouldn't be looking at you.

One way that I connect with my therapist is talking briefly about "non-therapy" things. Like maybe we're talking for a minute about a TV show or a local sports team or a hawk we just saw outside. Not sure if you do any of that already, but spending a couple minutes at the start or the end on that could potentially be helpful.

What you mention about the scarf--that seems like a way for her to remind you she's there. If you're both holding onto it and need a reminder she's there, maybe you could pull on it, and she could pull back? Or could you come up with some sort of nonverbal/nonvisual signal that you want to be reminded she's there, like two taps on the couch, then she can do two taps back (if that would make a sound) or tap your foot on the floor, she taps back, something like that?

It I put my ‘Therapist’ hat on…:maybe you are still bothered by her no-touch policy, and it seems you may equate connection with touch. Might you talk about this with her? Why is touch your only means of connection?