Ashamed of my diagnosis

Been trying to write this for over a week… and can’t get it out…
I haven’t told my T my diagnosis. I just can’t seem to accept it. From what I’ve read it fits me so well. But yet I can’t accept it because the name and whole disorder is just… embarrassing.

T has been great about me not telling her and says she can help me better if she knows but will work with me either way. She is so supportive and has never let me down but I still can’t tell her or anyone else. It’s been several weeks and I don’t feel any different and I don’t know how I can get beyond this. I’m just so ashamed and embarrassed

Any advice would be so appreciated as I do want to progress in therapy. I gave my diagnosis in the couch if anyone saw it but I can’t seem to write it here

@AnaWhitney I am sorry that you feel a stigma around your diagnosis. That must feel rough.

Who do you think might find out what your diagnosis is and what would that mean to you.

If the word has stigma, how about describing the symptoms or the challenges you face? People worry about reputation and what it would mean if people found out.

There are no bad diagnoses and there is no stigma for any mental health challenge you face.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

In general, diagnoses are just labels describing a set of symptoms. You are NOT your diagnosis. A lot of people feel shame about their diagnoses. I know I felt shame when I was diagnosed diabetic. My own mental health diagnoses were mostly a relief. To me it was like I finally knew what was wrong and my treatment/prognosis. I also felt validated that I wasn't faking it. The only diagnosis I struggle with is PTSD. I'm coming to terms with it, but at the start, I just felt like my trauma wasn't bad enough.

I don't know if any of that helps? Maybe just listing your symptoms to you T will help her? Or maybe try writing it down for her. I've written L many times about things I can't say verbally.

@CANDC thank you. It’s not that I’m afraid people will find out, I know I have control over that.
I just feel embarrassed about it because it’s a disorder that can only be caused by trauma and having that label just shines a light on some embarrassing stuff and makes me feel just… pathetic.

I was suspected to have BPD at first and I actually would have preferred that even though I know it is stigmatised.

I do feel somewhat validated but I also can’t accept it and really hate myself

Thanks Scarlet. I thought that’s how I’d feel alright, validated and like I’m not faking it but I do feel like I must have faked it.
My T knows all my symptoms but says I am complex etc. which is why I got assessed. I just have so much resistance and avoidance around this label. I feel like it’s the most embarrassing thing I could possibly have and I don’t know if other people would see me that way too

I'm sorry you're struggling so much

I think I have the same diagnosis as you, as well as others. But L didn’t label it the same way. I think she used the term "relational" and not "complex".

So it's the trauma part that bothers you? I'm not trying to minimize, I'm actually trying to (forgot the actual word) make it easier to think about: everyone has trauma to a degree. Same with everyone experiences mental health issues to agree (i.e. many people experience depression without having a diagnosis. To have your diagnosis means that you have symptoms caused by your trauma. I don't know too much about your diagnosis, but if I'm correct, "complex" means more overtime, relational type trauma. Whereas not complex usually means trauma tied to a specific event. Again, that's just my understanding.

Like I mentioned before, I struggled with the diagnosis, too. I'm not ashamed, but like you I just am not sure if it counts, like am I over exaggerating my experience, am I faking it? But the symptoms fit. I had to ask L if she really believed what I went through was trauma. Couldn't it just have been a bad childhood? She said, and so did T, that what I went through wasn't normal not even for a bad childhood. That everyone has bad things in childhood.

I think part of my reason for having a hard time with the diagnosis is because of my diagnosis with BPD. 20+ years ago it was believed that you had to have CSA or physical abuse to have BPD. I didn't have that. And so many people thought I was faking my symptoms. So now currently, it's hard to accept the trauma diagnosis because again, I didn't experience CSA of physical abuse.

Once you get a greater sense of self a dx isn't that big a, thing... I remember over 20yrs ago getting a dx... Not from my T she didn't give dxs she treated the person... But from a a treatment centre.. I remember crying, feeling worthless and useless... Then 20yrs of therapy and that time and dxs Just a distant memory and doesn't have any effect on me... It's so irrelevant... I prefer people that treat the person as a person and not a dx

That actually does help Scarlet, and no I didn’t take it as minimising at all ❤️
Yeah it’s the trauma bit that bothers me. Even though I know BPD is caused by trauma too but it just doesn’t seem as direct if that makes sense?
That’s awful that people thought you were faking your symptoms. I’m sorry ❤️❤️
I have a background of CSA which I struggle to talk about and I feel like this diagnosis just shines a big spotlight on the exact experiences that I struggle so much to deal with or talk about. I should feel validated but I just feel ashamed

Thanks Therapy reviewed! Good perspective!
I believe my T will treat me as a person but we do both believe in labels as they will help me understand myself and will help her help me.
I know I am complicated and not straightforward to deal with and labels do help break it down
I guess I’m just having a hard time with this particular label

I don't think that everyone experiences trauma and I think that CSA is a very particular kind of wound which affects us in a uniquely deep and painful way which others cannot understand. Having said that, a diagnosis of CPTSD does not tell people that you have experienced CSA. I think when our boundaries are violated in such a despicable way at a young age, it is really hard to understand that our being exists beyond the abuse. We are not the abuse, we are not disgusting like the abuser, these acts were done to us but we are not described by them. The shame belongs to your abuser. CSA is not written on us. CSA is a specific trauma, but a trauma diagnosis does not tell anyone the details of your past. It is entirely possible to heal without a diagnosis or whilst ignoring your diagnosis, indeed there are whole mental health movements which believe that diagnoses are unnecessary and regressive.

Thank you Comrade!
I know others can’t tell the type of trauma just from the diagnosis but my T knows the type of trauma and that’s why I feel like I can’t tell her. Even though she already knows the very limited info I gave her. I suppose it just seems more real this way. She knows and I know and now there’s this label that means it’s actually a problem, which I know it is but still can’t accept it. I know that probably doesn’t make sense

It makes perfect sense. I guess this label makes the experience real (and maybe even current in some ways since you are recently diagnosed) and that's really uncomfortable. I suppose it's the flip side of validation - if it's diagnosed then it's noticed and acknowledged and then it's harder for you to push it down. Go steady with all this, it's really hard work.

Yes!! That’s it exactly! Thank you!
Oh and I really wanted an easier year 🙈

So I did manage to tell her, in a round about way. She managed to keep things light hearted which really helped me.
Only thing is she wants me to explain why I have such an issue with the label and I don’t know how it’s not obvious. She says she genuinely doesn’t get it and I don’t know if she’s playing with me or not.