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Veteran Member
Member Since Dec 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 627
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Mar 07, 2024 at 12:27 AM
#1
T and i are both part of the same very small community within our city - let's say we're both sneetches. He is an active sneetch, raised in that community, etc. i, however, only found out i was a sneetch after a great aunt died - it was a long-time family secret for..let's say political reasons. Some info was shared with me then but other important documents that should've been passed on to me by my (abusive) mother were destroyed by her instead.
Anyway, five years into therapy, i said i wanted to talk about being a sneetch and what that might look like and mean for me. T got all weird, accused me of wanting to know his personal stuff and we had a rupture over it. He ended up apologising, and - with my permission - put me in touch with someone else from the sneetch community. His explanation for that was he thought it better i discuss being a sneetch with someone different from him because we had other things to talk about in our sessions. That didn't really sit well with me but i couldn't figure out why so agreed. (aside: it didn't work out at all as the other sneetch was adamant i wouldn't be considered a real sneetch unless i underwent conversion + other stuff that doesn't matter = she and i didn't stay in touch and i felt excluded and weird so backed off exploring my sneetchness). (aside #2: i have ptsd and i'm autistic so my thoughts/reactions/feelings may look or sound different to expected as a result. please keep that in mind.) Fast-forward to now, my abusive mother died recently (abusive father died couple of years ago) and as well as trying to process that and figure out how i feel about it etc, it's got me thinking more about all the generational family lies and weird stuff, and the need for community and not having it. so i talked a little about that community part in my tx session last week and it went VERY BADLY. T told me i have to choose: either continue with him as my therapist OR be part of the sneetch community but i can't do both as it is his community and his boundary. Awful conversation, session ended badly, no contact between because i couldn't find any words to email. So to today's session: i talked about how i feel about having never had community (big part of my abuse was being kept severely isolated), being made to choose now, him gatekeeping an entire community (not even sure that's legal), playing god, excluding me from the only community i know for certain i belong to (most of my 'family' turned out to be a lie or is completely unknown), the irony of T spending years telling me i need more people around me and now saying "NOT THESE PEOPLE!" etc. He said it's been his boundary for years that he doesn't treat sneetches because he did a couple of times and it didn't go well. I pointed out that he never disclosed that five years ago - or even right at the start when i stated on my intake paperwork that i'm a sneetch - or anytime since. He got all defensive and snotty about that. It was another horrible session with him insisting he's not excluding me from the sneetch community, he's just making me choose therapy or sneetches. Except that if i want to continue therapy with him (which i've invested a decade of blood, sweat and tears into) that means being excluded from the sneetch community. He was quite cold and detached about it all, even when i was clearly distressed and confused. Session ended badly again and i'm left feeling like garbage and carrying all this stuff for another week. I'm not even sure what kind of response i'm looking for here. I'm assuming everyone will say T is right, he gets to draw the boundary, he gets to keep the community, i have to suck it up and either find a new T (right at a pivotal part of my therapy) or live without sneetch community until my therapy is done (and maybe even after that as well). I'm just...i don't even know. Can i maybe just have some sympathy or something for all this additional hard stuff that's suddenly come up in my therapy that i'm really struggling with. thanks. (apologies for all the words) __________________ "Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything." - Plato Last edited by GeminiNZ; Mar 07, 2024 at 01:32 AM.. |
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