A paid relationship

I think having somebody who just listens is productive in many circumstances. I think it's bad if they just go with whatever you say, but if you feel challenged and pushed in the right direction, I think that is enough. I'd be kind of surprised if somebody in therapy doesn't feel challenged and if that's all that it is, i.e. they just listen, that's surprising to me (might still help, just not my experience).

If you feel fine with everything, then why are you talking to somebody? If you do not feel fine about everything, then there's something that needs to change. Humans do not like change, you will feel challenged if you have to embrace the change.

Well, it's like a doctor or a pharmacist really. You're not paying them for the relationship as such, you're paying them to help you. So you should go to the T with specific ideas that you want to discuss and find solutions to. It can save a lot of time and money knowing what you would like them to help you with. It's a case of staying focussed on your goals with them, and not veering off on wild speculative chit chat all the time.

I think it's a bit different with a therapist. As, often, the relationship can be a big part of the therapy, or at least contribute to whether it's helpful or not. My therapist has said that studies show the strength of the therapeutic relationship is the biggest predictor of successful therapy outcomes, more than the mode of therapy (like CBT vs. pyschodynamic, etc.). I share much more and more frequently with my therapist than with my primary care doctor (who I only see once a year if my health is OK, maybe a few times if not).

I don't think therapy is all about being challenged. I think validation, too, is important especially for people who have been invalidated their whole life. It gives confidence and understanding and compassion which are all healing.

I agree with this, especially as someone who was/is often invalidated by my mother (and some others in my life). And I think there's a difference between a therapist being validating and just nodding and agreeing with whatever a client says.

I guess I don't understand what the problem is - if it is a relationship that the therapist does when you hire them and what you find benefit from, then it is the relationship you are paying for. I don't get why that would be upsetting. They are doing a job (or at least they hold themselves out as doing one).

I agree. There's validating what you are feeling while discussing or processing the event and helping one see the event through different lenses. Because the feelings are real and not everything really happened (a quote from Dr. S). Being able to discuss/process an event without invalidating or taking over the feelings is a skill that most people do not have.

I paid someone to get to know me in such a way that they could do that the majority of the time. She was not perfect, we had missteps, she would at times say something that fell flat. And since a large majority of my issues are with interpersonal relationships - the relationship built with her allowed me a place to experience those missteps and process them with someone that would stay neutral with me while processing the event. She would try and mostly succeed in keeping her stuff out of the room. I don't know too many people that are skilled at doing that and in reality a friendship isn't like that. I needed the experience of successfully navigating ruptures so that I could learn how to navigate them with other people in my life. Which means, sometimes idle chit chat was needed to have the relationship feel like a relationship.

And paying someone for support -- being a blank canvass as you verbally and emotionally process the events of your life is not a waste of time or money. Sure on any one of these types of sessions, a friend could have been equivalent. Friends have their own stuff and most can get tired when you tell the story for the 5th time forget it if you are still holding on to something after the 10th time or 2 yrs later. So even if you are using them only as a place to vent out frustrations about something in your live that you are powerless to change; they are providing a frame/space for you to say what you have to say or sit with yourself while you feel whatever you are feeling; without the expectations that are found in friendships.

I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone, sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes. All I meant to say if that if your T sits there and basically just goes with literally whatever you talk about, it can easily just get to a point where client talks about their minor issues each week and therapist validates. If you talk about something you need support for by yourself, then I think that is already "challenging". If you don't talk about your actual issues and your T just goes along with it, that's what I think is not productive. And since nobody can really know what's actually the struggle, some form of either the client being open or the T being challenging can help.

To be honest, I took it too personally. I apologize. It's a reflection of what I'm going through with L, not anything you said. I've been feeling the need to justify and defend and protect my relationship with L. But all that belongs on another thread.

I do apologize. I also appreciate the clarification.

No worries, we all just float in this sea of confusion of what is our own stuff and what somebody else's!