Couch 248: Curiouser and Curiouser

Can we not love what we do not understand?

"He said it's about the energy in our relationship creating that feeling, not the energy of the space."

I would disagree and say it's also very much about the physical space - it's important to feel safe when working with a T and where you go to do the work can have a profound effect on how the client feels.

I hope you get used to T's new office space quickly @LonesomeTonight

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Thanks, East...

I know this isn't for me, but I'm freaked out by R going virtual for the summer.
During our virtual sessions over lockdown, I feel like I cried at some point every week.

If I wanted to book a six-week detox, then I would do so.

The stuff we bring up in therapy is a lot to hold alone, and T being on a screen is very different than sharing a physical space.

I appreciate you helping me understand that maybe I'm not being selfish here.

But at some point in time, the cart had to be behind the horse.

So, no. One must engage in the process to attain the eventual results of the process. Or as Jesus would say, you reap what you sow. I can't believe i had to go there!

Stopping therapy is not the same as never having participated in therapy. But i think my first h would have argued it was! What was wrong with me

Thanks, East. I think it's a mix of both. I talked about how it was very difficult at first switching to virtual for the pandemic--and he was virtual for a LONG time, as he didn't want to use masks. He returned to in-person for 3 weeks in 2021, then delta hit, and we went back to virtual until maybe March 2022.

Anyway, I did eventually adapt to that, and he's pretty good at virtual therapy, so it was OK. But, as I told him, that office had particular significance to me, as it represented a return to normal (in life in general) when we went back in person. As did his couch (which he got rid of with one session's notice earlier this month), when I was eventually allowed to return to sitting there instead of in the chair across the room.

There's also how he told me, back with the stone thing years ago, how the stone he leant me should represent the therapy space, not him, that you could put most any therapist in that chair and the space would still feel safe, which I disagreed with. (I mentioned that to him yesterday.)

He did say that although the new space is smaller, the layout would essentially be the same, with a window in front of where I'd sit (on a new loveseat that I hope I won't hate), though a wall instead of another window to my right; he'd be in the same spot, but his desk would be closer to him; the door would still be in the same spot. And that he's decorating it similarly, that I'd recognize most of the items, and it should have a similar feel. (Fate of fish I gave him TBD, though I doubt it will make the cut.)


So, we'll see...

Hugs, Lost. You're not being selfish. And your T should have definitely given you more notice.

I completely understand your fear about going virtual, especially considering you've been going through a difficult time lately. Of course, there's the difference in not being in the same room. But I imagine it also takes you back to the lockdown time in some ways--at least, it does for me when I have to do virtual with Dr. T for whatever reason.

There's definitely something different about sharing a physical space. Dr. T has said there's an energy there when two people are in the same room that isn't there virtually. I'd agree with that. And like you said, it feels less alone when it's in person, that you can pass those feelings onto the other person.

That feels so dismissive on his part. Maybe he isn't personally affected by the energy of a space (although I doubt that), but I'm truly surprised he would presume to tell you you're wrong about your strong reactions to saying goodbye to that space forever.

It's pretty common for people to have reactions to a physical space. For example, if you walk into your old school building, even years later, you might feel strong nostalgia or even dread (depending on your experience in that building). If you've spent a lot of time in a hospital for yourself or a loved one it may be hard to physically be in one again, even years later, due to the physical and emotional affect the space has on you. If a child has a familiar/safe home that they are forced to leave due to a move or change- that can be very destabilizing for kids and take a long time to adjust to.

I think physical spaces can hold a lot of feelings and energy for us, especially very scary ones where we felt a lot of fear and dread, or very safe ones where we've spent a great deal of time feeling safe and being vulnerable. I personally feel incredibly safe in my own bedroom and it has nothing to do with any other people who may have shard the space with me, even in a positive way. It is literally and truly a safe space for me. A sanctuary where I feel safe enough to sleep. If I had to move homes I know it would take a long time to adjust to a new sleeping space.

Anyway, just weird that he would be so dismissive of this concept. I wonder if it's because he too is having some big feelings about the move- but he doesn't like being vulnerable, scared or sad, so....

This is another good point about how a space can affect our experience. I agree with you, I find therapy on a screen to be quite difficult. Not impossible, but difficult and I don't love it. I feel for you.

I suppose someone could - I doubt it would be possible without some understanding for me. But if we mean seeing exhankster like a pet that one loves even though one understands them differently.

good lord

Hey it was the middle of the night and i had a stomach-ache.

Hi Inky. Thanks for your comments. I do actually wonder, like you say, whether some of his reaction is about his own feelings of leaving the space. He's said numerous times since announcing the move that some clients have said it's the nicest therapy space they've ever seen, and he's sure no one would say that about the new office. I said, "Maybe they would," and he replied, "I doubt it." And has said it's a downgrade. Perhaps he's also doubting he made the right choice?

He also looked like he was wiping a tear or two when I read the thank-you note I'd written to the office (I was looking down reading most of the time). And he said at one point that he'd miss it, too. So maybe he's also trying to convince himself that nothing will really change, as he's saying that to me.

I agree it's common to have strong reactions to spaces, positive or negative, where you've spent a lot of time. I think I've mentioned this here, but he's also said he's been surprised at how strongly I'm reacting to this (I mean, shouldn't it have been obvious? He knows I get attached to people and objects--why not spaces?). Maybe he just thought it would be no big deal for all his clients? He said how some don't seem affected at all (I asked--I don't feel he was saying that to make me feel bad or anything). It just seems he was being a bit delusional thinking no one would care--I imagine some of his co-workers' clients are affected, too (they're all moving).

Incidentally, Dr. T texted me a bit ago to let me know the move had suddenly shifted to next Tuesday and Wednesday (was supposed to move part today and part Friday). And he said "It's a mess." He wanted to let me know so I could think about how I wanted to handle next week when we meet (virtually) tomorrow, as my Wed. session would of course be canceled. I did appreciate the advanced notice, though it's a bit annoying. I was upset for a minute (in part because I'd scheduled my minivacation around the move). Then I had the thought "OK, this is like 1,000 more times stressful and disruptive to him, so..."

And now that I think about it, I'm glad for my sake that he didn't know that at the time of my session yesterday. As I feel OK about my good-bye to the space. Had he said then that the move had shifted (he said he just found out last night), the session likely would have gone very differently (in part because he surely would have been additionally stressed).

Thanks, LT.

It's so much about 'passing the emotion' to the other person.
Sharing physical space helps me find the wherewithal to say the things that are hard.

If I'm not able to say the things that are hard, am I really doing therapy?

L's on vacation. Of all the time to be on a vacation, it had to be this week. We are dealing with a major rupture, which was getting a little better. I even joked with her on Saturday that for being me and having BPD, that 2 weeks wasn't too bad a time for things to turn around. She agreed and thought it'd take me longer. Anyways, she allowed me to email and text her throughout the leave. Yesterday she sent a text saying she'd be out of service most the day, but it never went through. When she got back, it went through, and it felt like she brushed it off. She didn't apologize or be empathetic. So I sent her a text about this and other things. She responded that she was going to respond via email because it might take some processing. So to me that means no more texting, least not on those topic. She emailed me and in that email said she'd rather discuss this in real time... But for something she didn't understand, I could write as much as needed.

I don't know what to do! Respond via email to the whole email? Respond only to the part confusing her? Just stop texting and emailing, go it on my own?

I feel like ghosting her. She knows how hard everything is for me. Like I'm going through some hard s***. She agreed to emails and texts. H is beyond pissed at her. I don't know what to do with her. I wish I would have left her two weeks ago. Now I feel stuck with her.

But who am I hurting? Me or her? Should I just risk pissing her off and respond to everything?

I'm sorry you're going through this, Scarlet.

I think it's a little of both, in my case. As in, I needed to get out of the weirdness that my therapy became at one point, in order for the actual therapy that took place before things went bizarre, for those things to actually start gel-ing and coming to fruition.

Or something.

And, thank God I finally got out.

Writing has really been helping me come back to myself since I escaped. It's been an interesting journey.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, Scarlet. I feel like T's often end up on vacation at the worst possible times. And then their minds aren't in the therapy space, plus their schedule varies.

I'd say if she told you to write as much as you want, to take her at her word that it's OK to reply. I would maybe limit it to the part she didn't understand though. I hope things get better once she returns.

Well, everything exploded, but she wants to deal with it in real time. Basically, I feel like she's told me to **** off and deal with everything on my own. All I wanted was empathy and an apology... But because she isn't understanding me, I must suffer alone.

Hugs, Scarlet--I'm so sorry. When will you be able to meet next?