Couch 248: Curiouser and Curiouser

Wanting for her therapist to do an act is exactly what needs to be looked at though. The desire to control is perfectly acceptable (the realisation of it, not always), but this is exactly where he should be working with LT. If he doesn't want stuff in his office, that is his business and his preference - it should not be the focus of LT's attention and he is facilitating her to get distracted by that aspect. He should be working with LT's desire to control, not trying to counter it or reassure it or any other accommodation of it. Be interested in it, explore it, uncover the meaning of it.

Well, he could have not accepted the fish to begin with. He'd already told me early on that he had gifts from clients in his office, so I had assumed that meant he was OK with it. And he found a spot for it. I offered to take it back if it didn't meet his taste, and he said no, that "It was a fine gift."


And I am talking about the pain of it. That's what this is all about--the pain that there might not be a spot for it.


In terms of the appointment when I was sick, it was partly because I'd canceled (granted, with 48 hours notice, when he only requires 24) the previous appointment to meet with R instead. I was concerned if I canceled a second session in a row, he might think it was because i was mad at him, that I was acting out, rather than sick. And I did still want to meet. I think it's OK to want a bit of kind emotion from someone when ill, to be taken care of a bit.

Realized I didn't respond to this insight. He seems to go back and forth between exploring it, like, "what we need to figure out is why this is so important to you" and asserting that it's his space to decorate. Like, examining, then asserting control. I wish we could just stay in the examining space for longer.

And thanks for the comment on how big I am being. I do think it's important and a sign of growth that I'm asserting myself with him (and here), even if it might be bothering him a bit.

This all came about because I was trying to be proactive about the office move and figure out ways to make it easier, both saying good-bye to the old office and welcoming the new one. I didn't intend to get into the whole thing with the fish--I just suggested, "Hey, maybe one way I could feel more comfortable in the new place would be if you would let me be the one to put the fish in its spot or be there when you do it (like he could have had it on his desk when I got there). Which is when he said, "I don't know that I'll have room for everything." I'd just assumed he'd be taking it. So some of my reaction is from being surprised by this, though I suppose better now than the first day in the new office, after I glance around and don't see it.

But thats exactly what youve said. Here, if not yet there. Your not talking about the hurt of his rejection, your talking about losing the power
struggle. But by making it about the power struggle, you can pretend you are not fearful of his rejection, you pretend it doesnt exist, you pretend he loves you, but in reality you only win the power struggle, not his love.

Instead of playing "he loves me, he loves me not", you do something unspeakable to that poor daisy.

I have not seen where you are talking about the pain of the loss - the focus I have read about here is on getting him to act differently - not you wanting to talk about your fish connection. That is where I am saying it doesn't seem to line up - you say you want to talk about the pain but your descriptions here are about getting him to act differently. I mean - the it is so small, and how would it hurt to have the fish there, and so on - that is about how he acts - not how you talk about pain.

I am just giving my observations on it -if you don't think they fit then okay..

In case anyone is curious, here's what he said when I asked if he could type up the sort of reassurances he shared yesterday, as I apparently wasn't in a place to take them in at the time (I didn't mention his seeming robotic).

"I’m sorry that this has been so difficult for you, [LT]. This change will be a challenge that we can address and get through together. Regarding the fish, I do want you to know that my intention to approach furnishing the office with a clean slate is not in any way personal to you, a reflection on the fish itself, or a rejection/abandonment of you. I value our work together, care about your welfare and wellbeing, and am committed to supporting you, your mental health, and your growth."

It helped to hear him say it would be a challenge we'd get through together. And some of the other stuff. But the figuring it out and working through it together is what I maybe needed to hear. The collaboration part.

Stopdog, we will make a working therapist out of you yet.

And comrademoomoo, good post, both of you.

LT - I think we are just trying to get you to see the subtle differences in what is going, just different slices of it, different perspectives.

ETA - "The collaboration part". Yes! That is what you are disallowing when you give an ultimatum. You try to refuse him space in his own space. He cannot collaborate with you if you are standing in his space.

We have talked about the pain and his trying to understand it. I just don't write every single moment from my sessions here, so I can understand why you got a different impression. Like he was also saying he wanted to understand what it meant for me to have the fish in the office, if it was about my having a sort of presence there, and we discussed that a couple sessions ago.

Thanks, Lost. Just realized I didn't reply to this. Yeah, there seems the implication that it might not be appropriate.


I also question how it's become this big conflict. I was also thinking of how I gave it to honor our 5 years of work together. It wasn't intended to just be about *me*, but the work. Also, the actual live Fish (capitalized because that was her name) that once lived in his office.

And in general, I don't tend to be controlling about gifts. It feels nice when my H wears a shirt I gave him, especially a T-shirt that I thought he'd find to be funny. I make sure to wear things he gave me for the same reason. But I wouldn't interrogate him about why he wasn't wearing someting I gave him. (I might say, if it was soon after, "If you didn't like it or it didn't fit well, I can return it-it's all good.") I gave my mom a notepad that I figured she could use in their beach condo, and it felt nice to see that she was using it. But if it hadn't been there, I wouldn't have been like, "hey, where's that notepad I gave you?"

This just stirs up something different in me for whatever reason.

So - what else then do you want from him? He discussed it - where do you go next? From here it looks like you still want him to do something else.

Keep practicing the self comfort techniques- even if they are not perfectly doing what you are looking for -these things seem to take practice.

Or you could look at it like these sorts of entanglements are what is therapy and that you are raging against the human condition until acceptance or change comes. So the conflicts you have with him are the process of you acting out until whatever happens so that therapy can be said to work.

"I think you should be more explicit here in step 2 - Then a miracle occurs."

This is sidney harris - i wonder if its the writer sydney j. Or someone else? - answer 2 people.

I think we haven't fully discussed it all yet--the specific topic of the fish, yes, but more the bigger topics that have come up from it.

And yes, the self-comfort stuff definitely takes practice.

For the last part, I do think some of the therapy is in the entanglements and acting out. Working through conflicts now in a way that maybe I couldn't as a kid or teen, for example. Though I'm unclear as to where the end of it all is, I suppose. Is this still helping me--both therapy with this person and therapy in general? Not expecting anyone else to answer that, it's just something I'm thinking about. What's the endgame?

Also stuff I'm thinking about in terms of writing the memoir because where does that end? Will I have come out of therapy on the other side, transformed for the better? Will I still be muddling through, trying to have faith that it will help, whether with this person or with someone else? Or will I have stepped away from it and realized it's best to mostly go on without it? (Aside from maybe a short stint when something acute happens, like grieving.) That I've learned what there is to learn, and now it's up to me? Again, I'm not looking to anyone to answer these, they're just thoughts in my head.

Balanced neural opinion: Considering your anxious attachment style and Dr. T's potential avoidant attachment style, it's understandable that there may be tension and misalignment in your needs for warmth and support.

Regarding your thoughts about seeking support from someone else or taking a break from therapy, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and find what feels most supportive for you at this time. Exploring these options further with Dr. T or with another therapist could provide clarity and direction on the best path forward.

Personal opinion: ( which may be wrong)

I feel taking a therapy break would be good for you- just to get some distance even if it was short . What keeps reoccurring in your process is the paternal transference with male therapists. This also became the focus of your marriage counselling. You’ve worked through a lot of ruptures including the stone but the underlying issue is the attachment injury which has not been resolved and keeps getting reactivated. Unless this is healed first everything else is secondary and it will keep reoccurring.

I think a somatic approach and someone who specialises in attachment theory and trauma-informed care would suit you better than Dr T whose main area is sports and training.

Self comfort would fall under learning to emotionally regulate yourself. Reading up on DBT grounding techniques could help you soothe yourself.

Why do you dislike me so? That would be my nightmare

I was thinking about the dates thing and I realized I really don't pay much attention to them. I know about when(the months) my mom passed away and my adored grandmother but I can't remember the days. I know when my person passed away only because of the school calendar. Half the time I don't remember why students have ashes on their heads (teach at a catholic uni) for a few seconds until I think about it. I don't remember the date my high school best friend committed suicide (when we were in our late 40's- 50s - I can't even remember the exact year) Dates/anniversaries are not something I keep in my thoughts. I am not sadder or happier on an anniversary than I am any other day.


The woman I hired was probably anxious - my avoidant-ness seemed to cause her no end of concern.

My inherited-from-my-grandpa 1926 Underwood #5 is back home and in perfect working order again! I've already written/typed a short poem on it as soon as we got back home earlier. Una, yes, I will need to strengthen my fingers haha - do they make finger-weights? ha! it felt a little strange at first typing on it, but then i relaxed into it and the sound of the keys, the bell ding near the end of a line (that actually drew a giggle from me, I'd forgotten the way it sounded but it is perfect!), and the sound of the carriage return are all very satisfying. It's not totally restored (for instance, it was originally shiny black, but the repair guy estimates it was refurbished/painted gray in the 1930's) - a full restoration would have cost a LOT more - I just wanted it working again. They're not actually worth enough to pay for a full restoration. It's funny that there's no number 1, you have to use the l key for 1, and there's no exclamation point, I remembered though that you type an apostrophe, then backspace and type a period to make one.

Thanks for the comments--this makes a lot of sense. And I was considering a trauma-informed T about a year ago, but there were a couple things about her that gave me pause from our 30-minute free consult, so I opted to stick with Dr. T. I may look again to see what's out there. She'd seemed the most promising option (for somatic T), who was accepting new clients and would meet in person, at the time, but there may be others now. (Not really clear how somatic therapy would work virtually anyway!)

I will say that Dr. T was just a regular psychologist, with a PhD and training in that, for the first part of his career. It's really only been in the past maybe 10 years (of a 20+-year career) that he got additional training/certification in sport psychology and "mental performance" (which can also be used for, say, business executives). He said at one point that sport psychology clients make up half or less of his practice at a given time (and many of them are short-term, like while their sport is in season).

Leroy Anderson Typewriter

That's awesome!

Oh Artie it's gorgeous!

I remember about the 1 and the !.

I do like that chain dragging sound as it returns. And the ding. We must have had some old machines in my 9th grade typing class. Or maybe other classmates parents had them as we worked on the grade school newspaper.

Thanks SD that was extremely cute.

Very steampunk. Love the aesthetic of it.

I really like seeing a poem in the typewriter. How it should be.

Artie, it's beautiful!

You can buy finger training devices that are usually for musicians.
I had something once, but then remembered it's for grip strength.

Look what I found on the front porch this morning (the moth not the pen) — Nextdoor

"I" was featured on my NextDoor today!

Are you in line to get the cicada invasion? They have been warning us for weeks that they are coming. Other than if I was a farmer, I have no idea why I am supposed to care about the cicadas coming. They are kind of noisy and the cat will bring in a couple like he is a mighty hunter, but other than that -they are not bothering me.