Quitting therapy hurts

I tried so hard with this therapist,. I had doubts from the start. I didn’t like the fact that she didn’t take down my personal details such as address and doctor. She didn’t do an intake as such in terms of asking me about myself, the therapy just sort of started, I thought it was ok to just let things emerge, but then she talked so much and I found her way of working triggering, and she was quite challenging (but without really knowing me). When we discussed it she adapted, which was good. She said she didn’t remember much from session to session, this made it hard to bring things up. I’d ask her what she meant be something she said the previous week that had affected me, but she didn’t remember saying it. She talked about other clients in the session (only general things), but it didn’t feel helpful to me. There were some good bits, and I felt good for the first three sessions. I hadn’t realised how sad I’d feel if I quit. I’ve quit because I’d started to feel stressed after sessions. Despite what I’ve written above, I’m also questioning myself and the person I am. I also feel a sense of loss. I liked her so much, despite everything I’ve written, and I wanted to be able to talk to her.

It's completely normal to mourn the loss of a relationship.

But keep in mind that you are mourning what you'd wished it had been and not the reality.

You've done the right thing by ending the relationship, no need to question yourself.

You are an intelligent, sentient person, so it's normal to question things or have doubts... you are seeing the shades of gray and not painting the picture bllack and white which is good.

Find pride in yourself for respecting your boundaries and limits... you deserve a therapist who is more engaged with your story and remembers it from one week to the next.

Only about 20% of therapists are excellent, 20% are terrible and the other 60% is somewhere in between.

Keep trying different therapists till you find one that is excellent and really fits with you.

No need to reproach yourself for shopping around.

Therapy is an investment and you deserve the best!

And on what reputable source do you base those statistics?

I wish people were more mindful about what they say and the inaccuracies of their statements. That can do more harm than good.

"But keep in mind that you are mourning what you'd wished it had been and not the reality."

This. This is exactly what I had been doing. Ending therapy does hurt, even when it's long past time to do so. At least, it did for me; until I really accepted that what I was mourning had never existed in the first place, except for in my mind/heart.

I wish you all the best, Brown Owl.

"As this sample demonstrates, there are substantial differences in therapists’ performance. Fortunately, most therapists produce results comparable to what we would expect from well-conducted clinical trials, which is an effect size of approximately d= .80. About 25% have results that exceed this benchmark by 10% or more (d => .90), while about 25% will fall short by a similar amount (d < .68)". Are You Any Good…as a Therapist? | Society for the Advancement of Psychotherapy.

It's the loss of hope that hurts... The not remembering from session to session is unsettling.. That would, be a, no no for me.. It would feel like a form of rejection . It sounds, live you've made the right decision..

Thanks, your words were very helpful for me. You’re so right that I’m mourning the loss of what I wanted it to be. I felt good after the first 2-3 sessions, but haven’t felt good since then. In terms of the memory, I had thought that I could accept that, but it seems extraordinary to me that she doesn’t write notes after the session to side her memory. I think that in most professions where people work with ‘clients’, people keep copious notes from one session to the next. My previous therapist, who I stopped seeing 3 years ago, also had a terrible memory, and didn’t seem to keep notes. I was wondering if it was just normal/ common for a therapist. It had crossed my mind to ask her to have a notepad in the session and to prompt her to note down something that was important to me.

Yes, it is unsettling. Kind of disrespectful not to bother to make notes From people’s comments it sounds like other therapists do remember their stuff?

I'm sorry you're struggling Brown Owl. It's frustrating to make an investment into a relationship and then to have it not work out, even if it's a short relationship.

I thought they had to at least take clinical notes for legal reasons?

L has an awesome memory AND takes some notes in session, and writes up notes after session (these I assume are clinical). It's a little annoying when she stops in session to take a note, but I'd rather her do that then forget something.

My T never took notes but she always remembered... Even after we had finished therapy and I emailed her some family news I had a Yr later she knew what child I was talking about..

I feel a lot better than I did when I woke up. The pain has settled, though I still feel a bit sad. I think that something that made me feel is worse is an email that the therapist sent me. I would have expected her to send me some bland email wishing me well. The email she sent was in therapistsÂ’ speak and seemed to me to be her trying to impose on me an understanding of why I quit (I didnÂ’t give any reason to her), and also seemed to be a denial that she had played any part in the therapy relationship being unsatisfactory for me. I donÂ’t want to post the email, but IÂ’d be interested in othersÂ’ thoughts on it, and could pm it if anyone is interested in reading it?

Thanks for sharing that, it’s nice to hear that there are T’s who remember stuff. I think that in the UK, in private practice T’s can do what they like.

I would be interested in reading it and giving you my comments and thoughts. I have also experienced a very painful therapy ending. I am based in Scotland so (depending on your location) could also suggest some therapists who were suggested to me and are well regarded, if you are interested.

I hope you find a good psychologist/therapist, OP.

There are many different therapies apart from psychotherapy, such as:

- CBT
- Schema
- Gestalt
- Transactional analysis
- DBT
- Drama/art/music therapy

etc. etc.

Also theories, such as attachment theory, etc.

Let us know how you get on...

I am sorry you are going through this. Your T sounds a bit like mine at first. My Ts memory is not good and she does not tend to remember things but she does take a lot of notes and will look a bit panicked at first if she doesn't remember something I've brought back up. She will let me remind her or if I am struggling to do so she will go back into her notes to get onto my wavelength. So it helps to know that she does care and does try, but she simply has a bad memory. At first I found it a little hard that she could forget things but I liked her enough to accept it and understand that nobody is perfect. She still cares and I guess that is the difference and your T must not care if she doesn't do any of those things to help with her memory.
I'd be very interested to read her email, please feel free to send it to me and I'll give my thoughts on it

I have never been quit or left with any particular psychiatrist or psychologist, for that matter. When I started with the trauma team, it seemed like there was a big shuffle of all at once. They were not young people who each retired, and I was handed off to their replacements. It is a difficult experience to start having to deal with new people after you know the previous ones so well. Sorry for the difficulties. It is very disruptive, and the day I went into the office to see both of my previous T's. Those were sad days because they were so good. Easy to work with, just fantastic. @AnaWhitney -during the transition, I sat halfway through a session with the replacement for the psychiatrist, calling me Richard. Which would be okay but that is not my name. He had pulled up the incorrect patient data and not my file.

Thanks, it’s good to hear that your T feels that remembering matters, and tries by taking notes. This therapist seemed to completely accept that she didn’t remember much and didn’t seem at all bothered about it. Thanks for your offer of reading the email, I’ve actually deleted it now, along with everything else that I had that was linked with her.