Last 2 therapist I saw didn't say a thing to me

They didn't say anything after 2 visits and I got the vibe they didn't understand me one bit. Then one finally spoke and said "I'm not sure if I understand you or not". (Sounds like his education really paid off!) So I never went back to either of them!
And saw a young outpatient therapist at Sheppard Pratt hospital and told her I didn't want to do anything (because I've had anhedonia real bad last 15 yrs and don't enjoy anything and extremely poor energy ever since having 17 ECT treatments 30 yrs ago) and she said "I can't help you.". THAT was my problem! And she didn't want to talk about it! I don't get it at all...

I think happiness comes from overcoming challenges. Maybe your challenge is to find gratitude. I often remind myself how lucky i am not to be living with a family of 15 Russians in my 500 sq ft studio apartment. Kinda like the "eat your supper, there are starving children in China" parental admonishment of the 50s, 2000s real estate version.

Depression and age have diminished my physical health, which - whats the word? contrarily? - have bettered my mental health to motivate me to reverse the effects of entropy. Not as easy as it sounds, unfortunately, ha. I hope you will join me.

I haven't been able to function the last 45 yrs due to dissociation in my teens/20s/30s, severe mood/anxiety disorders, agitation, etc. and been trying to pull myself together last 45 yrs and can't do it. I can't gain confidence, overcome challenges, haven't felt like myself or liked myself or been in a good mood in 45 yrs.
I didn't feel anything around people anymore when I started dissociating at 13 and became very detached from myself and couldn't talk for most of my life (and lost all my friends because I couldn't hold a conversation or enjoy myself) and the main problem with dissociation is not being able to identify with yourself which I've had most of my life plus 3 other stages of dissociation. I was perfectly fine before 13.
I just figured out that I dissociated 10 yrs ago after doing research because I had no idea what was happening to me from 13-50 yrs old.
NO professional the last 10 yrs has wanted to talk about dissociation, personality disorders or asbergers. I've told Residents and top psychiatrists (with tons of worldwide education) at Johns Hopkins about my dissociation and severe mood disorder as a teen and that it damaged my personality (took away everything I had going for me) and haven't felt the same since 13 and none of them would talk about it or knew what to say. The top Dr at Hopkins said "Damaged your personality??" and was dumbfounded and didn't say anything.
I still don't feel anything around people and totally frustrates me.
I told my present psychiatrist that I've had to relearn how to connect and talk to people the last 45 yrs and he got mad at me and said "You're trying too hard. You have a loop in your head and you have to stop! I don't want you to do anything".
I really don't have any gratitude except that I'm grateful for my father who's been my only friend and supported me but he can't remember or listen to anything I tell him anymore, still doesn't understand how I feel or understand what mood or energy or a nervous breakdown are at all. (The rest of my family hasn't talked to me in years).

I didn't accomplish anything I wanted to in my life except I managed to get an engineering degree somehow (I was extremely sick in college and been hospitalized 28 times since then, 37 ECT treatments total, taken every med all with 99.9% no relief) and been on disability most of my life. I wish I could like myself and that's been my goal all my life but my persistent symptoms stand in the way of me functioning the way I want to.
Sorry for all the complaining...

Yes, i am aware of your story. I am sorry i didnt make that clear. Your story is similar to mine. A long life of living as not-me. Underachieving. Struggling to survive, struggling to make myself understood.

Gratitude is all i have to offer you.

There are different approaches to therapy, it might be worth exploring the 'non pathologizing' approaches and researching which approach speaks to you.

You might feel more supported with a relational / humanistic therapist, who is not part of the medical model. One with expertise in parts work and the like. Someone who would listen rather than dismiss, validate you *and* able to do some work with you in relation to your presenting issues.

Having a therapist who just listens doesn't do anything for me. It doesn't do anything to any of my extreme symptoms, make me feel better and doesn't comfort me one bit.
I really need someone who understands dissociation (and personality disorders) and will talk about it and how it destroys all the qualities in a person, imo (I've never ever run across a therapist/psychologist like this in 35 yrs).

And a lousy Resident at Johns Hopkins in 2017 said I had asbergers, didn't explain it all and didn't tell me how to get help. Another Resident did send me to Hopkins Autism Clinic and it was the WORST healthcare I've ever had! The Dr and therapist didn't want to know ANYTHING about me at all and were incompetent so I quit! (I really don't think I have asbergers - I believe that I still have residual effects from dissociating early in life.Still feel I have times where I have trouble identifying with myself and it bothers me a lot because I can't function when that happens.)

I've only had one therapist/psychologist the last 35 yrs who listened to me and treated me nice and she had me doing things like walking, riding a bike, swimming and I couldn't stand any of it (because of my anhedonia and poor energy) and it didn't help my mood or energy one bit. And she never told me how to manage my acute anxiety. All she said was "You have to manage it" and I had NO clue what she was talking about. And deep breathing never worked. (But for some reason last 8 mths haven't felt any anxiety which I don't understand at all.) So I quit therapy with her.

A psychiatrist told me to get a NeuroPsych test few yrs ago and got one and it was a horrible experience. The psychologist gave it to me over the computer and didn't show an ounce of emotion after I told her about severe dissociation and severe mood/anxiety disorders starting at 13 and that I've never felt the same ever since. (ALL questions in the test were extremely general like "I feel angry most of the day - Yes or No" and I don't know how she came up with her conclusions in her report.) Her 5-page summary only pointed out my problems and she didn't analyze what was causing my problems one bit. It said I "ruin my attempts at getting better due to negative thinking and self-doubt and have to rely on people and don't want to be independent and therapy failed because of lack of pleasure and motivation". Well, yeah! When you have a severe mood disorder most of your life you develop self-doubt, negative thinking and anhedonia real bad and lousy energy and you can't do or enjoy anything anymore! And I've been independent ALL my life (working constantly in my teens when I was sick and when I was on disability in 90s (while I was in a halfway house which was totally traumatic), getting an engineering degree, getting off disability in 1996 and working for Law Firm and USAF for 6 yrs, etc.). She added at the end "I needed to confront my anxiety with my therapist and in social situations and that I would most likely fail at doing this" and she said I had avoidant and schizoid personality disorders. The report didn't serve ANY purpose at ALL: for me or any professional involved with me (my therapist read the report and didn't comment on it at all) so I'll never get a test like this again and never go back to this place for help! (Their website says they have a "Compassionate Approach" and that it TOTAL BS.)

I've tried CBT ever since 1991 many times and it never helped my symptoms, make me feel better or improved self-esteem, self-doubt, negative thinking.

Last 3 wks I've contacted two dozen therapists/psycholgists in DE/southeastern PA and most do virtual sessions (which I tried with a psychiatrist and was terrible experience and seemed like a scam and ended up in Johns Hopkins after 3 mths) and I only got a few replies and none of them sound like they know anything about or work with dissociation or personality disorders so I've been hesitant to get back to any of them.

I don't know what to do anymore.

When i hit bottom psychologically, a few mistakes i had been making became clear to me. When the time came, i pushed myself not to repeat them and to act or respond differently.

You seem like you want something very specific from a therapist. But im not sure what it is.

What reading have you done on dissociation?
The Haunted Self is good. Also Bessel van der Kolk. Alice Miller wrote some very relatable books.

Personally, i am doing better now that both parents have passed, and i have stopped therapy, altho i still take medication.

I did not write seeing a therapist who *just* listens. Please re-read what I actually wrote.

But that is fine, you do you and I will bow out of this thread.

I've just done research online and found out I had all 4 stages of dissociation including derealization and dissociative amnesia. I felt unreal as a teen and everything around me seemed unreal (it's very hard to explain) and when I looked in the mirror I felt unreal but all that stopped as I grew up.

I don't know how dissociation is treated. I've read that meds are used sometimes but I've taken every psych med but still have moments when I feel like I just don't identify with myself well and makes it difficult to relate to others and just haven't felt like myself since 13.
I've never read if therapy is used for treatment. Maybe I've read that CBT can help, I'm not sure. I don't know what type of help I need I just know I want to talk to someone who knows something about it and can offer some kind of guidance. And I haven't found anyone who wants to talk about it or knows anything about it.
When I was inpatient 7 times in early 90s at best psych hospital in USA in Philly (w/best Drs in the country) neither the Dr or Psychologist I saw every day made any effort to find out what the root cause of my acute anxiety was. Dr just handed me anxiety pills and Psychologist never said a word to me. (Now I understand that the cause of my anxiety was my dissociation because I was so detached from myself and couldn't feel myself or feel anything around friends and family anymore and caused me great distress and frustration.) I had no idea what happened to me in my teens until maybe 2018 when I did some research online and then I discussed it with a Johns Hopkins Resident in 2018 and she didn't say a word.
Before 13 I was happy, had plenty of friends, joked around a lot, had great parents, etc. Then I started getting anxious around girls and started feeling extremely strange and didn't feel anything around friends and family anymore. People have told me an event triggers dissociation but I didn't have any trauma around 13. All of the women on my mother's side of the family were sick and had the same thing I have (agitated depression) and I just think I have bad genes.
I don't know what non-pathologizing means so I didn't comment.

Your diagnosis was spelled out by the drs and the testing. You have wasted all these years and therapist and doctors time pursuing an imaginary dissociative disorder based on self diagnosis. You need to accept the diagnosis you were given by intense testing and look for solutions for that illness. You reject all help offered because it doesn’t fit your fantasy. You won’t get help unless you accept the diagnosis and type of help for that diagnosis.

I’m with unLuna. Gratefulness will be of great benefit to you.

They are not always correct in their diagnosis - I would not even say they are usually right. Don't accept sub-care and you don't have to take what is there if it is not what you want.

I asked about what reading have you done because i found reading to be healing. That and seeing a child psychologist.

Jeffrey Seinfeld is another good author. And Peter Giovannini.

I think you are going to have to take the lead on this. As in, god helps those who help themselves. Maybe take a writing course in how to tell your lufe story, and use that as a jumping off point for your self exploration. I think this is an undocumented field. None of my ts ever got it when i said i was not-me. Unless they recognized it as just my not taking responsibility for my life and didnt want to poje the bear. But i think this is your project. Your self portrait.

I've had all sorts of diagnoses since 1986 including bipolar, schizoaffective, asbergers, etc. None of the doctors I've seen inpatient or outpatient the last 35 years ever used their knowledge to figure out the root cause of my anxiety or tried to figure out that I was dissociating even after I described it to them. All they did was hand me anxiety pills.
And I didn't have "intense testing"! I had a lousy Neuropsych test that contained extremely general questions that I couldn't believe and none of the questions were designed to pinpoint my symptoms or problems or diagnoses. The psychologist that gave me the test and wrote the test summary didn't even take into consideration that I've had a severe mood and anxiety disorder, agitation and dissociation which started in my teens.
I know what happened to me when I was 13 and I researched it thoroughly and it explained exactly what I went thru in my teens/20s/30s. I had to do research because no one else was willing to put the effort into finding the causes of my symptoms. All they did was hand me pills and experiment with me because I was acutely anxious. I totally accept the fact that she and others have said I have personality disorders and I've wanted to talk about it badly the last 10 yrs but no one wants to discuss it! And no professional has been smart enough to understand that I dissociated even after I described it to them because no one knows anything about the disorder!
Dr I saw 20 yrs ago said I was bipolar and put me on all mood stabilizers for 3 yrs with no response and refused to give me anti-depressants. I've never been manic in my life.
And I haven't wasted all my years or rejected help (I've never been offered much help in the mental health system to begin with - psychologists in and out of the hospital in the 90s never offered me any suggestions! And living in a halfway house after ECT destroyed me in 1992 was totally traumatic and none of the staff offered me help - several of the staff even put me down because I couldn't hold a conversation because I was so detached from and couldn't feel myself!). I've tried REAL hard since I was 13 to pull myself together and reverse things by staying active, struggling thru college, working constantly since I was 13, extensive exercise my whole life, traveling, hobbies, getting off disability in 1996 and working at a law firm then USAF in NM as an engineer (then becoming extremely sick when my meds stopped working in 2002 and going back on disability after I couldn't hold a couple really simple jobs) all the while being extremely dysfunctional and feeling horrible and none of what I've done has improved my mood or energy, built my self-esteem or confidence, or help me feel things around people. And now I can barely do anything because my energy has never improved since ECT in 1992.
You're extremely shallow and telling me I'm living a fantasy is totally false, degrading and an insult. Your insight is lousy and you're far from being open-minded.

One thing that has helped me in my last ten years of therapy has been answering my outstanding questions. Like, why have i never found "the one"? Which is probably a common question, but had a very specific answer which, even though it was really messed up, comforts me.

My 2nd question was, geez what is it that everyone seems to know except me? That was specific to me and my role in the extended family, and again involved accepting ugly truths and harsh reality. But then the puzzle pieces of my life began to fit together - the way people treated me, the supposedly random things they said werent so random anymore, they made perfect sense.

You have identified here a couple of points in your life where things took a bad turn. Can you see how, if you had had some decent support, from a friend or an adult, that they could have turned out differently?

For instance, a not so minor one for me - an 8th grade classmate - my best friend actually - kept telling me to read Tess of the D'Ubervilles, but i confused it with The Hound of the Baskervilles, and just said i dont like mysteries. Whereas it was a very important book for ignorant young women, being a book about an ignorant young woman.