Secret sessions

Does your T do this and how do you feel about it if so?

There have been many times now where T is taking a week or 2 off, but will keep a day in there somewhere for certain clients to get a session while she’s closed to most clients.

Now she doesn’t tell people this, just the clients that she’s offering a session to. I have no doubt she is doing it for the benefit of those clients and would prefer to actually be off. I have been one of those clients multiple times and although it really helps, I feel so uneasy about it.

Any thoughts would be appreciated

I would not have an issue with it . If a therapist offers something, then I think it is okay to accept if you want it. The therapist gets to choose what to offer just like a client can choose what to accept. Don't overthink it and it is not a client's responsibility or even a client's place to try and take care of the therapist.

My therapist has done something similar with me, if he's working a short week or very limited hours. I tell myself that he's pretty sure some clients won't really care about the missed time, whereas I would, so he's offering time to me for that reason. Plus, some are sports psychology clients, so I imagine they may not care as much about missing time (as it's about performance rather than mental health issues--though I'm sure some have both concerns).

I've also wondered whether he says something to clients like, "I'm only going to work limited hours next week--are you good waiting until the following week?" Or "I'm off next Monday--are you OK waiting until the following Monday?" And they say yes. Whereas if they asked about another day, he'd schedule them.

There was a recent week where, due to another obligation, he was only working a few hours each day. He said he could only see me twice to be fair to his other clients, which I completely understood.

To respond to your unease, I just tell myself what my therapist himself has said--that he wouldn't offer something if he wasn't willing to do it. It's not my responsibility to consider those other clients. It's his decision (and potentially theirs).

This hits close to home. My therapist has done this for me although I wouldn't call them "secret sessions". Late last year he started putting up more boundaries around email and support outside of sessions and it has been really difficult for me. He's on a vacation now and he gave me a whole speech about his family and others calling him out for working on his vacations and he's bad at boundaries. He pointed out that I've never asked for any of this (I needed it though), that it was always his idea because of his anxiety or people pleasing. Somehow he still made me feel guilty about all of our past vacation sessions.

So basically we're not having a session while he's gone. I was actually fine without a session, but this speech really hurt my feelings. He offered to send me an email message while he was away. I told him if he's going to have boundaries he should just have all the boundaries. Finally I told him I couldn't stop him from emailing me and he laughed and said "no you can't", so he emailed me.

L doesn't do sessions during vacations. She just doesn't know her schedule to be able to set a specific time. I did ask for a session during her maternity leave and she agreed. However, during her out-of-office times, she has allowed extra sessions. And during any type of leave, she offers me emails and now texts with the understanding to not have expectations around when she'll reply. Like emails she might not reply to until she gets back.

I'm sure L doesn't offer these things to all her clients. I feel special that she offers them to me.

Ok Ill communicate better what my actual issue is
Thank you for all the replies!

My problem is that she seems to tell everyone I am closed from x date to y date. I used to really struggle with this and chose to keep it to myself out of respect for her time off. The thoughts of it would affect my therapy and I would use bad coping mechanisms to be able to keep it to myself .
Once I was in major distress and did contact her on one of these weeks. And got invited to a session on a particular day between x and y as ‘I am opening as there are a few people who really need it’

She is always great at responding to my outside session messages, offers a ‘secret session’ when she thinks I need it and is always contactable. It makes me feel like I am being rewarded for communicating my distress. That’s the issue I think. I am not always able to communicate like that especially if anything is off with us and I will fall into my bad coping mechanisms thinking it’s the right thing to do because she is off work. So I can think I’m respecting her while hurting myself and my therapy and all the while there is a good chance she is doing secret sessions anyway but I won’t know until I reach out to her. It just bothers me. I know it’s a me issue.

That makes emotional sense to me.

I don't know if it's similar, but I have a hard time reaching out to L for extra sessions or phone calls. She is always telling me that she wants me to ask for what I need and want, that it helps her be able to be there for me. I have a hard time because I don't want to be a burden, so I try to be good/small. I think it's my abandonment fears. Better to have a little of her than to ask for too much and then lose her.

What jumps to mind for me here is: Were you given the message at some point, likely childhood, that you don't deserve care and support? And/or that you were too needy? The fact that you're concerned her giving you support when you ask for it is "rewarding" it, rather than getting a need met, makes me think of that. It seems like something to talk about with her.

Thanks everyone!

NP - that is rough! And to be honest it’s always something I’m sure a lot of us fear happening if we reach out/ accept the extra offers of support.

Scarlet - thanks, I am glad it makes sense to someone else! I feel similar, and I just hate the fact that I have to take up space to get what I need. I wish my T would tell me to ask for what I need etc. I had to discover all these supports were available by taking what felt like a leap of faith while in crisis most of the time. She never told me they were there but always responds well when I communicate that I’m struggling. Again making it feel like a reward

LT - interesting point but the problem is when someone says something like that as a suggestion as to where this is coming from. I just feel blank. We haven’t explored my childhood, she says I am resistant to it. It would be so helpful to be able to link this with that etc. but I seem to lack the ability to. Like the links got severed along the way
But it has me thinking and also realising that this is not the normal way to see it (the reward part) so thank you

I understand how you feel. I would suggest you try to see it differently.

I often work on my time off because someone needs me (not a t but am in a profession requiring caring for/helping/arranging things for people etc) Yes people are apologetic. If I choose to help them, it’s my choice. I am not rewarding them for being in stress.

I choose to help. If I chose not to help or am not available, then I am not going to do it.

Your t does it because she chooses it and she has time and opportunity to do so. No need to feel bad. You aren’t taking her time.

Hi @AnaWhitney, I think it would be good for you to bring up any concern you have about this issue. Also, perhaps you need to go more frequently?

Would you be able to repeat this to her: