Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

LonesomeTonight · Jul 29, 2024 at 05:59 AM

So, I think another component to my rejection/abandonment feelings is something that happened during session. He looked over in the direction of the fish I gave him (which I imagine won't make the cut to his new office) and said, "Ohhhhh noooo." He saw a client's glasses were on the floor. He picked them up, then took about a minute to text the client. So it was like another client was in the session. I understand he was concerned because it was someone's glasses, but we only had 20 minutes left--couldn't he have waited to text them? It just felt he was completely taken out of the session, and we were discussing something relatively important in the moment (stuff about ex-MC and ex-T).

Perhaps that combined with him closing the door of the waiting room made me feel like I was very much on the outside and not important. Certainly not "special."

LonesomeTonight · Jul 29, 2024 at 06:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

Although I have just read your Dear T comment so maybe ouch. I hope you are doing ok.

Thanks, Comrade. I'm still here. I imagine he's just holding his boundaries, annoyed with me, and/or was too busy to have read my email. Glad I resisted the urge to text, as that presumably would have just annoyed him more.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 29, 2024 at 06:17 AM

I can't believe he'd interrupt your session to text another client about leaving their glasses behind.

There is no way that is appropriate, no matter how concerned he was.

It ****ing sucks when they weaponise boundaries like that.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 29, 2024 at 06:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

I can't believe he'd interrupt your session to text another client about leaving their glasses behind.

There is no way that is appropriate, no matter how concerned he was.

It ****ing sucks when they weaponise boundaries like that.

Thanks, Lost. I really appreciate the validation. I thought maybe I was being too needy, like "Of course he should let them know about their glasses as soon as possible."

LonesomeTonight · Jul 29, 2024 at 06:29 AM

Also in recent sessions, he's done a voice-to-text either to his wife (I'm just guessing) or himself for something he needed to remember to do. One of which was to print signs for the office alerting people of the move. I know he's said before that if he thinks of something and doesn't make note of it, it may distract him from the session. But it feels very different if he scribbles something on a piece of paper (or even types it on his phone) compared to speaking into his phone.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 29, 2024 at 06:34 AM

OK, he just replied to say he was sorry I was struggling, that he didn't realize it was me walking from the bathroom--that it could have been Simone Biles and he wouldn't have registered it. That he was taking his next client back to the office. Which in some ways makes me feel better, but also makes me feel somewhat worse, as it was yet another client affecting things.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 29, 2024 at 06:42 AM

I'm sorry he was so dismissive in the moment, LT.

It is hard to watch them 'switch' from being present for us to thinking about what's next.

I think I've seen R do that a couple of times recently...although it's hard to tell what was going on during our most recent session.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 29, 2024 at 06:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

I'm sorry he was so dismissive in the moment, LT.

It is hard to watch them 'switch' from being present for us to thinking about what's next.

I think I've seen R do that a couple of times recently...although it's hard to tell what was going on during our most recent session.

Thanks, Lost. I think maybe that's part of what it is--just seeing how he can quickly switch off attention to me. It makes me feel less important.

I'm sorry it seemed like R did that as well.

stopdog · Jul 29, 2024 at 09:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I flew cross country to home yesterday. From the in flight entertainment I chose to watch Freud’s Last Session in homage to ex-hankster.

Got home to a malfunctioning AC courtesy of the pet sitter, who also left fast food trash lying around, tried to feed new cat McDonald’s hamburger, and generally did not clean up after herself—there were fast food leftovers in the fridge and dirty clothes that did not belong to me in the bathroom.

1. That was above and beyond the call

2. I am pretty much okay until someone messes with my pets - if the a/c isn't working here in the summer - the dogs will actually die because of how hot it will get inside. My long haired dog gets distressed if it gets hotter than 75 in the house (I am such a minion - I wear a sweatshirt so he can comfortable) My cat might eat mcdonald's just because he is a little jerk and then be even pickier about which food he will eat on any given day. Hope the pets were all fine. Housesitters (which I have to use a few times a year) are so stressful.

darkestpart · Jul 29, 2024 at 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Thanks, Lost. I really appreciate the validation. I thought maybe I was being too needy, like "Of course he should let them know about their glasses as soon as possible."

maybe it was a client that didn’t live close his office. i travel almost one and a half hours to have a session with my t.

unaluna · Jul 29, 2024 at 10:29 AM

Wouldnt it be a little creepy to be "special" to your t? It would mean broken boundaries. Lack of respect. That he is taking advantage of you and doesnt care who sees it. You arent special to him, you are less than, and he is a creep. The t's side piece? How many are there? If there is one, there are more.

You have to be able to yearn in a safe place. That means, during your contracted time, period. Thats the deal. No special looks. It has to be private.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 29, 2024 at 10:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkestpart

maybe it was a client that didn’t live close his office. i travel almost one and a half hours to have a session with my t.

That's a good point, and in the moment, I actually said I hoped they weren't too far away, that they could retrieve them easily. Plus, it's complicated because the office move is today and tomorrow, so might be more difficult than usual for the client to pick them up.

I just wish they'd been noticed by one of us earlier in session, I suppose. Or if it had happened in a session that was a more usual one, not the last one before a move.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 29, 2024 at 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Wouldnt it be a little creepy to be "special" to your t? It would mean broken boundaries. Lack of respect. That he is taking advantage of you and doesnt care who sees it. You arent special to him, you are less than, and he is a creep. The t's side piece? How many are there? If there is one, there are more.

You have to be able to yearn in a safe place. That means, during your contracted time, period. Thats the deal. No special looks. It has to be private.

Well, something that has come up in my therapy is my wanting to be "special" to people in general. To authority figures mainly. I know that "special" can come with some negative and messy stuff. So it's complicated.

Something I am working on processing (getting there) is that by Dr. T generally holding boundaries, he's much safer. He is taking care of me in being consistent. And *not* doing things like ex-MC, such as keeping me 15 minutes over time. (I mean that Dr. T ends within 5 minutes of the end time, and any extra is usually due to scheduling stuff).

I think in my brain, I equate being "special" with not being abandoned, when, in reality, the times that I was special (my former teacher literally used that word in something he wrote to me) ended poorly. I suppose this is stuff to explore more in therapy.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 29, 2024 at 10:46 AM

Also, with the glasses thing, it was like that client was intruding on my paid time, even though it was accidentally. I would never expect my T to contact or respond to me while in session with another client. Even if I was in a really bad way. Ex-MC answered a call from a client while we were in session because he was concerned it was an emergency (it wasn't--he shook his head after the call, as he asked them if it was an emergency, they apparently said it was, and he stepped out of the room to take it). It felt like the other person was more important, more special I guess, even though we were sitting right there (and paying for his time).

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 29, 2024 at 11:04 AM

I really hear you, LT. The timing of these things makes a huge difference.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 29, 2024 at 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

I really hear you, LT. The timing of these things makes a huge difference.

Thanks, Lost. I imagine it's similar with your T's timing of vacation then doing virtual.

Lemoncake · 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

I can't believe he'd interrupt your session to text another client about leaving their glasses behind.

There is no way that is appropriate, no matter how concerned he was.

It ****ing sucks when they weaponise boundaries like that.

The thing is people also confuse having boundaries with accepting rudeness under the guise of boundaries.

It was rude to interrupt LT’s session when it’s not an emergency situation.

If you can already get up and walk around without noticing you’ve left your glasses behind , you’re generally not that really that dependent on them. If they were driving glasses. You’d notice when you got in the car and come back up. It could have waited.

This is not the first time he has interrupted her session.

stopdog · 12:05 PM

Sometimes when one learns a new skill or habit such as setting a boundary - it becomes a forefront and one sees everything through that lens. Like a reformed smoker who is now on a quest to stamp it out for everyone and take their choice away or a reformed eater informing everyone of the fat count or calories or what ever in the food they have chosen to eat.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 29, 2024 at 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

The thing is people also confuse having boundaries with accepting rudeness under the guise of boundaries.

It was rude to interrupt LT’s session.

This is not the first time this has happened though .

Thanks, Lemon. I feel like, with very rare exceptions, a therapist's focus should be on the client sitting in front of them (whether in person or online). That was one thing ex-T was very good with--she had her phone on silent in her purse across the room during our sessions.

Dr. T keeps his phone on silent, but he'll pick it up to do scheduling or check something we're talking about (like if I say, "it's supposed to rain this weekend," he might look at his phone to confirm that), sometimes he'll notice a text or notification on there and react to it (nonverbally or might say "Oh good" or "hmm" or something). Which takes him out of the session.

ScarletPimpernel · Jul 29, 2024 at 11:47 AM

I don't understand what's wrong with wanting to be special or unique. We're not the next person/client. And with such deep emotional work, wouldn't the desire to be special be even more? I don't want to be treated like a number or a file. I want to be seen for me.

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Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,621 (SuperPoster!) 10 6,983 hugs given	Jul 29, 2024 at 11:47 AM #640 I don't understand what's wrong with wanting to be special or unique. We're not the next person/client. And with such deep emotional work, wouldn't the desire to be special be even more? I don't want to be treated like a number or a file. I want to be seen for me. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica