Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

LT - idk, im with stopdog here, this sounds like a rerun of calling MC on a football sunday. Esp if he had to say, dont yell at me. And with you saying, OTHER people would do this for me, even if THEIR back was up against a wall.

2 thoughts. 1, you DO have other people: your H, R, parents, inlaws, us. Who is HE? He is nobody. He is the guy who shovels your snow, or whatever. Why does he mean so much to you?

2. Why are you forcing a confrontation? If you want to get out, just get out. You do not have to declare him incompetent or unsatisfactory. Its not about him, its about you. He was never there to fulfill your needs, so he cannot fail at that.

How would it feel to leave without getting mad and
telling him what a loser he is? What would you think about yourself?

Thanks, Darkest. I'm feeling that way, too. Experiencing more anger than sadness at the moment, and trying to hold onto that.

Again, just like ex-MC, Dr. T called *me*. I was trying to avoid bothering him. He even said something today about "needing" to call me, and I said I wasn't looking for a call. I had just sent him an email saying, literally, nothing but "OK to meet with R tomorrow?" And it was only because R wanted me to confirm with him. I just assumed he'd reply "that's fine," which would have taken 30 seconds, not 15 minutes. And we could have talked about it later, in session, when he wasn't busy. (Same with ex-MC.)

I feel better standing up for myself. I'm proud of myself for not just caving and apologizing to him today. I think that's progress for me. I could have just people-pleased, but chose not to do so. I also was trying to talk it through. I could have just been like "K, bye forever" as soon as he said something that bothered me. But I felt the mature thing to do was talk it through.

Also, if I terminate, I'm quite sure I'd no longer have R as he'd likely forbid her to see me. So it's losing two therapists at once.

I have attachment to him--it's not so easy. I can't explain why I'm attached to him in particular and don't think I need to. It just is. I need to figure out what's best for me.

And my in-laws don't really give me any emotional support. Neither do my parents or other family members. H does at times. My friends do. And you all. My D would probably prefer that I not exist at all. Or at least not live in our house (which has been the case for the last 5 years).

I don't want to turn this into a debate. This is just how I feel. My relationship with him is complicated, and he has given me a lot of support on various things in the past. I need time to think about what to do. And not storm away from a 6-year relationship without giving it though and maybe trying for a bit to work it through.


I do think stepping away for a week could be good for both of us.

For me the question remains, is the junk fee on top of the $500 deposit. I am assuming you will not get the deposit back but not sure why you have to pay 2/3 of something. If the $400 junk fee is for your father's junk, he should be paying that off the top. Then if there is anything else owed it should be split 3 ways.

The move out fees is how much we owe the apartment complex for cleaning, paint, carpet, and junk removal. The deposit is the security deposit that only applies to H and I because my dad didn't contribute. H and I owe 2/3 because we're 2 out of 3 people. My dad is responsible for his 1/3.

So move out fees is $2100. Security deposit is $500. And his junk fee is $400. Again, H and I get the security deposit taken off our debt. And dad has to pay for his own junk removal.

So the question is do I remove the security deposit and junk removal fee from our debt and then times 2/3? Or is it reverse?

Sorry this is so confusing!!!

LT—through most of your relationship with Dr T I kept getting the sense of that old Friends argument between Ross and Rachel—“We were on a break!” Like the two of you spoke the same language but it meant different things to each of you.

Generally I think anger can be productive in making a change. Not sure I ever saw you swear on here before the Dear T post yesterday or the day before.

Feelings are not facts

Is the junk removal fee part of the 2100 moveout fee or not?

If it is, then dad owes 300, plus the junk removal 400 (if not already paid, total 700.

You and and h owe 1400 - 500 = 900.

If dads junk removal is in addition to the 2100 moveout, then dad owes 700 plus the 400 junk removal, total 1100.

So it all depends on when dads junk removal was billed, earlier, or as part of the move out

Yes, the junk removal is part of the move out fees.

Thank you Una!

That's a good way of putting it, the Ross and Rachel analogy! The love stuff also showed how we seem to understand the same terms differently. And some other things.

I do think the anger can potentially help--blaming myself and apologizing for everything may appease him, but it doesn't really move the relationship anywhere. (Though I imagine it makes him happy.)

I just wonder whether he can tolerate my anger and being challenged--and I suppose, conversely, whether I can tolerate his toward me. Or "aggravation," as he called it when I asked if he was angry at me for reaching out during the move. Though he seemed truly angry at a couple points during our conversation (like when he said I yelled at him).

I think of what ex-T said once about relationships, though at the time, it was about me and H: How sometimes you need to turn up the heat in a relationship to move it forward--not like in a sexual way, but to express the anger, have a fight, etc. Maybe that's true here? And if it can't survive that, then I imagine it wasn't as strong as it seemed in the first place.

It's a rare day: I'm not only cursing, but also quoting a helpful thing ex-T said.

I have never done this -but I do get the nightmares about not finding my class or teaching the wrong group of students or losing all their final exams.

Sure, but back to Ross and Rachel: they were at least in the same relationship. You and Dr T are not--each of you is defining relationship and what it should be differently.

Expressing the anger makes sense in a marriage when you're fighting on basically equal grounds. In this relationship, you're not fighting on equal grounds.

i have similar nightmares, but as a student. Realizing I haven't gone to class all semester and will fail or that I haven't read a book and need to take an exam on it. Or not having my schedule and being unable to find the classroom.

Oh, that's a good point. Something that's complicated here is that I see Dr. T as an authority figure. He seems to see himself as more of an equal. Yet, he can exert authority over me, like, "I'd prefer you not keep the appointment with R." I'm not able to exert authority over him, unless leaving could be considered authority, or I guess reporting him, but I'm not sure he's done anything actually reportable (not looking for anyone to say whether he has or has not).

And there's the transference/attachment stuff from my end that gives him more power, too. As things he says/does can affect me in a way that, say, a friend wouldn't, as they're in a different role for me (though I could conceivably have paternal/maternal transference for a friend, too).

OK so he did not contribute to the $500 deposit so he gets none of that. The move out fee of $2100 is split 3 ways so he owes $700 of that plus his $400 junk fee totaling $1100.

You and H owe the remaining $1400 of the move out fee with the $500 deposit subtracted from it coming to a total of $900 that you owe.

This is based on total owed of $2100 move out fee plus $400 junk fee which equals $2500. Minus the $500 deposit leaving a total of $2000 owed.

Zoiecat - yes. I cannot figure out if the moving fee would have been 1700 if dads junk removal fee had not been added in, or it it really 2500? Otherwise i am treating it like his deposit.

Its not really a math problem, its who is responsible for dads junk fee, and does the apartment complex consider that part of the "moving fee"?

Zoiecat, I think that might be right?

Una, the $400 is already included in the $2100.

Geez, this is getting harder than Archimedes’ Cattle of the Sun problem: Archimedes's cattle problem - Wikipedia

Taking a week to think things over could provide the clarity you need. It's frustrating to feel like you have to convince your therapist about your own mental health. If you decide to keep your Friday session, it might be helpful to express how this experience made you feel and discuss the best way forward.

You also don’t have to keep putting yourself in situations where you leave feeling unheard and more triggered .

Thats a lot of methane! I think we just found the source of global warming!