Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

Thanks, Lost! I mean, I did so in a nonproductive manner with Dr. T last week, but think it was more productive today.

Or maybe you mean on here?

Phew...

Today's conversation with the helpline was odd.
It wasn't the person that I have been talking with, so I felt like I had to fill her in on everything that has happened since R announced her plan to go virtual for August.

She mentioned the other person I talked to, and I said:

'That's why I asked to speak to you...too much has happened since I last spoke to E.'

It turned out that Hannah had given her a run down, but I wasn't to know that.
Ultimately, we ended up talking more about navigating virtual therapy than the stuff I really needed to talk about.

I don't know whether I did the right thing in declining an opportunity to role play a conversation 'with R' about the virtual therapy...but I didn't and don't want to do that.

I got the impression that she wanted to feel as though she'd helped.

This is really useful, thank you. I am also considering micro dosing so I will do some research about that as well.

They do - but they don't like mustard. I don't like rye because they almost always put caraway seeds in it and I despise them. I like plain rye.

You also might want to check out dump dinners (terrible name) for example:

https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/photos/dump-dinners

Couch Workout Club Day 8

Another three sets of my seated core exercises, this time extending the leg raises.

I signed up to an online course about Mary Oliver's poetry with a friend of hers shortly before all this happened, and I have just realised that I no longer have the opportunity to watch the second class.

I am disappointed, and it is very much my fault.

This is one thing on which we agree. I like rye, but not with seeds.

Well done on the exercises.

That sucks about the class. Could you contact whoever is running it and find out if there's some option to view it?

Unfortunately they were very clear about the replay only being available for two weeks.

My variation on 'grief brain' sucks.

Yes but caraway seeds in coleslaw really elevates it. I may have to find caraway extract. There is anise seed extract that my mother used for her italian bagels when people didnt want the anise seeds.

See, I hate coleslaw and any mayo-based salads, so I can't really comment on that.

I like coleslaw -both vinegar based or mayo based. I hate caraway seeds and anything anise flavored or licorice etc. My objection is not to a seed in general but to the flavor of that specific seed. I have no objection to poppy seeds other than they are useless, sesame seeds, mustard seeds, sunflower etc.
I grew up with coleslaw on bbq pork - I even have a secret bbq sauce recipe from my grandmother that is delicious on everything.

Oh. See, and i grew up on various anise-flavored foodstuffs - bread, cookies, booze.

Gee, i wonder if that influenced my psychological uh bent?

So, I've just booked a mid-week online grief support session in addition to my Sunday.
The Critic is screaming overkill, but right now I feel like I need it, considering that R has tuned out of the conversation.

The name is terrible but the recipes are doable. Thanks for the recommendation. I’m going to the grocery store today after work.

I don't like anise and the likes normally, but in small quantities I can take it when I expect it.

Somebody asked about shrooms, I'll just say the high is very different from weed, if you can take it with someone you trust that sounds good, and research tripping in general beforehand.

Saw Dr. T (virtually) today instead of tomorrow. I was afraid it would be a mistake, but it was actually a really good session, with lots of discussion about what had happened last week and the move in general. It felt like he was really listening and understanding and that he was trying to connect with me, to mend things. A big part is that he was taking more responsibility for the messiness of the move and acknowledging how difficult it was for me.

He said it's the most extended difficult period I've had with him, which was validating. He mentioned "the 'I love you' stuff" but said that was more resolved off and on over a stretch of time, which is true. The move has been like 2+ months of unrelenting messiness. And, as he pointed out, I haven't even been in the new office yet. I intend to go in person Friday, when I'll be back from the beach. I said I'd had a bit of exposure therapy, from seeing it in the background.

And I'm pretty sure the fish was sitting on a table to his right. It even seemed like he shifted his camera so that it was more in view. I guess I should have commented on it, but I was only 95% sure, due to how the light was reflecting and the angle, and if I was wrong, I'd have felt really awkward.

I feel considerably better about things. I mean, I said I still wasn't entirely sure how things are going to go, that it would take time for me to feel safe working with him again (he understood and said there's lots to unpack). So it's not like we're riding off into the therapy sunset. But at least it's a step in the right direction.

I'm so glad you were able to talk it through with him, LT.

It's OK if it takes you a while to get back on an even keel.
I know it's going to take a while for me to get back to a good place with R.

It's courageous of you to have that conversation virtually, although I wonder whether that might have made it easier in some ways?

Thanks, Lost. I do think virtual made it easier in a way? Even though last week's big conflict (and yesterday's so-so session that was mostly about diagnoses) was also virtual. I wasn't expecting us to have the conversation we did--I intended to just alert him that I'm not OK with all the stuff from last week, that I wanted to talk about it in the future, but probably not today. But then the way he responded to that, it just made sense to keep going.

I hope it doesn't take you that long to get back to an even keel with R. When is she back to start the virtual sessions?


And it's good you're getting midweek support, too. I hope it helps.

Thanks LT,

'We're on a path, may as well keep going' is how a lot of my sessions work if I haven't prepared notes.

R is back for virtual starting on the 15th. During this time, I will try not to judge myself for seeking extra support.

I regret posting about the significance of today in the steward forum on the Alliance of Hope site, but I can't go back now.

I thought that forum would be safer, because it's a private area.

I still managed to say just enough to make myself nervous, without actually relieving anything.