Couch 250: An August Couch

*curls up on Couch, whimpers*

What’s up Lost?

I’m around if you need to talk.

Today's first virtual session with R was an absolute mess.

She asked how I was, and I just broke.

I had an idea of how I was going to spend this time (i.e. the next four sessions) but this 'feelings first' experience of virtual therapy makes it really hard.

She said she experienced me as more articulate today, but that's purely because we were talking about stuff that I'd chosen so as not to get emotional.

I don't know whether it's possible to hide my own video on Teams, so I spent the entire session trying not to be distracted by it.

There's big stuff we need to talk about, fairly urgently, but I can't do it while we're virtual.

I blocked my oldest friend on both instagram and Whatapp today. I know I should have done it sooner, but I wasn’t ready to. I hadn’t already messaged her for two weeks. Previously I had got used to talking and messaging her everyday.



Should I have stayed quiet and said nothing altogether 🤐?

It seems like I have outgrown our relationship.

Maybe you can discuss your concerns with R about the virtual format and see if there are ways to make it more comfortable for you.

Could you use another platform like zoom or WhatsApp? Which might make hiding the video feed easier and less distracting.

Could you email what you had planned on talking about?

She switched from Zoom to Teams because she was having insurmountable technical difficulties...and 'Zoom support were useless in trying to help.'

I don't know how to hide my video on WhatsApp either.

It's not stuff that translates well over email, because I need to get the feelings out...not obsess over how to express it.

Did she give you extra time, because of her technical issues?

If you open the WhatsApp app. Next to the telephone symbol they have one for a camera as well. You have to tap that one and it hides and shows the video feed as appropriate.

Radical but If you need someone in person, could you see a new therapist for the remainder whilst she is unavailable in person?

That's interesting, isn't it? A different part of you became more vocal and more centre because of the circumstances, so pronounced that your therapist noticed. Maybe this is a good chance for both of you to pay attention to this aspect of you who has now shown up in therapy. A chance to give this part a shot rather than the part who is very focused on speaking about the grief and pain, almost to the point of everything else being less important, less notable, not "the real work". Obviously the grief and pain is significant for you and I hope it doesn't sound like I am meaning you should minimise it. However, all parts of us are important including those we don't really see the value in.

Paying attention to the field is a very Gestalt thing so might not be a natural part of your therapy, but noticing what happens for you when the environment and circumstances are less than ideal could be good work - you see your therapist as unavailable, other more protective parts of you emerge and so on. Rather than being an inconvenience/perceived abandonment, the virtual time might offer a chance for a different depth of work. It's not of your choosing and it's not what you want, but it is an opportunity for something.

Moo you sound like a real T in incognito mode with us 🥸.

Una will love that. So you get extra brownie points.

Anyone else remember Luc(ozader)?

I was thinking about QM and Chiro too.

Oh god, I am so sorry.

Ugh, I'm so sorry it was a mess, Lost.

I'm sure it didn't help that she said you were articulate...as Comrade said, it was likely a different part of you that showed up. Maybe the part that tends to be there when you're at work, say? Like, professional Lost?

Are you meeting with her on a laptop (or desktop) computer or your phone/a tablet? This may not work on a phone, but could you maybe put a post-it note over where your own video is on Teams? I remember someone recommending that at one point.

Might it possibly be better not to meet at all until she's in person again? I mean, you could maybe try next week, and if that goes poorly, too, just take a break till she's back? I know that will be difficult, too, of course.

Professional Lost in therapy makes a lot of sense - thanks LT.

Especially as we were pretty much talking about work stuff.
I cried, and then went wholesale into Professional Lost mode so that wouldn't happen again.

I think it is possible to hide your video on Teams, but I don't know how it works.
I use a laptop, so a post it note would be a good 'compromise'.

You have no idea how tempted I am by that...but I kind of don't want her to be offended.

I think it is possible to be friends with someone you don't agree with on political issues if one wants to be. It doesn't work, in my opinion, if people try to insist on talking about it with each other, or try to insist that the other agree and admit the error of their way of seeing the world. I have friends who are deeply religious and I am an atheist - we know the others stance - they think I will burn in hell and I think all religion is myth and theirs in general is misogynistic and hateful. But we just don't talk about it - we have fun playing bridge or biking or whatever and just don't insist on fighting about it.

I didn't experience those Zoom technical difficulties, but it seems that enough of her other clients did that she made the switch.

Trusting new people is hard.

No don’t apologise!

It’s just that my spider sense was tingling.

I have been infected. Stake through the heart stat! (Administered by una, of course).

Although actually, it shows that there is nothing special about therapeutic thought. Once our awareness grows, it becomes ours as much as theirs.

I have been willing to compromise with other friends. I have been the more religious one, in the past who used to pray daily at one point, whilst my other best friend was an openly gay man who I met at a hair salon. That never came between us.

With her it did start to feel like everything had started to become a battle. Even if I wasn’t posting anything political, I would still get messages about X or Y. Look what Z has done. I stopped engaging in those types of messages.

I think our problem was also that we are in different countries. I haven’t physically seen her for close to four years. Everything was online, so there was a hyper focus on instagram and stories to keep track. There was no meeting up and just watching a movie and eating popcorn to diffuse the tension.

Couch Workout Club day 17

Just two sets of core exercises today, as I wasn't into it after therapy.

Impressive that you still did those!

Thanks, LT.

Knowing that my appointment is next week keeps me on track.
I can't go to pieces altogether, because the nurse will tear into me...and I can't handle that right now.

One workout at a time...