She's ****ing pregnant again!!!

Thanks LT.

Even if tirzepatides are the answer, I still have to take my path through doctors. And right now my insurance denied me seeing a reproductive endocrinologist which is the only doctor who might prescribe me ovulation meds. That's if I'm even a candidate anymore. They might only let me do IVF and I'm not sure I want to go that route.

But do you see how useful it would be to have someone to talk this through with? Thank you for understanding why I can't talk to L.

Scarlet, I think maybe you could try to talk to L about your having/not having children despite the fact that she’s pregnant. Or that’s just uncomfortable because you feel you lost trust in her? I get it that it feels she doesn’t understand but maybe she could? We can’t be in other people’s shoes fully but we can reach some levels of understanding

Your posts read as such a toxic relationship... I imagine most women understand that yearning to want a child and not be able... That was my experience of infertility... Feelings are universal and not just associated to one issue such as infertility..... Therapy isn't really something where things can be boxed off.. Everything connects to everything.. What do you think you really get from this relationship?

My whole life, all I wanted was to be a mom. I even tried getting pregnant as a teenager. Stupid, I know. I don't want to get into my sexual history, but I'll say that I tried to get pregnant a few other times before H. I knew by the time I was with H, something was wrong with me. Even with H, 19 years, not one pregnancy.

I say all of that because it's been my dream, my purpose on this earth to be a mom. That is not L. She wants children, yes, but it not her primary focus in life. It's not her purpose. I don't mean it's not a priority now, just dream-wise, that wasn't the most important goal for her. I thought she wouldn't get pregnant first month with the last one. She did. And now she got pregnant without even trying. She doesn't understand the toil infertility takes on you. She doesn't understand what it's like to lose your whole purpose in life. Or to even lose a dream. L has a very good life. She has tons of purpose and has met many of her dreams. She just can never understand being CNBC. I wanted to work through this with her before she started trying to have children. I knew if she did have a child, it would put us miles apart, just like with everyone else. And it has. And the way she did it this time...

I just truly don't believe she can even closely understand. Just like I cannot ever understand what it's like, pros and cons, to be a parent. Just like I can never know what one of her major griefs is like. I can feel for her, but I can never understand.

I am so sorry Scarletpimple.

I had a phone session with L tonight. So far, I think I'm taking it in. I hope I can hold onto it because it really felt good in the moment. Everything was good. I wish my memory worked better. We talked about our foundation and what I need from her (like admitting she does not understand things like my infertility). And she told me how she loves me.

Am I stupid that I'm thinking of telling her about the new events about the infertility on Tuesday? I need her to know if she is going to remain my therapist. I need help and support through this. And if she won't pretend to understand, at least I will feel more respected. I don't know. I really don't know. If none of this happened, I would tell her. And she says she's still herself. Do I try to trust her with such a sensitive and vulnerable thing? Or do I keep trying to work through the hurt first?

I guess, depending on if I can hold tonight's session in mind and heart, it will tell me whether I'm going forward or if I went backwards again. And if I go backwards, then it's probably not wise to open up to her yet.