She's ****ing pregnant again!!!

She shouldn't punish you for wanting to take a break.

You can get through this, Scarlet. It sounds like your regular contact with her was making things worse for you lately. So maybe it will actually be easier to get through without the daily support? As it wasn't really giving you support. Post on here as often as you need if it helps.

Just remember that you made it through before. I do hope T will be helpful next week.

Hugs, Scarlet. I agree with LT, that L should not punish you for wanting a break. And also agree that you can get through this.

Thanks LT and Artie. I need all the support and encouragement I can get. This break is shorter than her leave, but I'm also choosing this this time. But I still think it's needed.

I wish I had an iPhone to see if she even got my text yet or not.

All this week, I've felt suicidal except for one day. She did happen to help me that day. But since I've learned how she got pregnant, I've been in so much pain. There's so much grief and anger and betrayal and disrespect. And yes, there are feelings of jealousy that she is able to have children without even thinking about it and I can't. But that's not what's driving this. This is how she got pregnant, that it wasn't planned, and that now I've had no time to do my own therapy. It's all been about her.

Sorry for the rant.

I know this isn't all about her. I have BPD. I know my tendencies. And her life keeps affecting mine. She is still responsible for her actions just as I'm responsible for my reactions. And we are so intertwined. That is also a huge part of why these problems are happening.

I'm struggling. I'm trying to be strong. Trying to believe this is healthy. It's hard when you're in a suicidal state to give up your daily support.

I’m so sorry Scarlet, I have been following the thread but just don’t know what to say other than I think you are doing the right thing by taking the break. I totally get that it feels like you are missing precious time with her, I think I’d feel the same. But I think it’s for the best. See how it feels to make that choice and not be triggered by her constantly. I know it hurts in a different way but I think it’s a good move right now. Then you can decide what you want to do.

I too think a break is a good thing and nothing she should hold over you or say "you have to see me once". I might be wrong but you do not strike me as the kind of BPD that just ups and leaves permanently all of the sudden all the time. I think it's completely reasonable in your shoes to want to have some space. For myself with BPD I have learned to listen to when I do need space, otherwise I'll just lash out at everyone, though that might be just me.

Also, remember this forum is here too, you're not alone!

I used to be the type of person to burn bridges easily. I still can like with my dad and sister, but they were literally putting my life at risk. I think I made the healthy choice with them. I'm also the type that will try to forgive if the person tries to come back. I did that with every family member and even H.

I'm very similar to you, CNS. If I don't have space when I'm hurting, I will lash out... badly. I've been doing that all week with L. I haven't called her names, but I have cussed her out almost everyday.

I so appreciate you all. You are one of my resources, coping skills. The forums are actually a part of my safety plan with L. I need you all and depend on you. I value the input.

I know I'll be a disappointed and probably don't deserve support... I went back to her. And it's been nothing but pain. I know I can leave again. I just want my old L back.

I talked to her today. I broke down during and afterwards. Then I got yelled at by H for the next hour. I know everyone thinks I should at least take a break. I'm addicted to her. I'm struggling so much.

Not everyone!

I think you are re-enacting trying to get her to change, trying to hurt her, etc - but the only reason you can do this is because deep down you know you are safe. You know she wont kill you - unlike your sister and dad, or my family but esp my mom.

As for your h, he doesnt want to see you win this battle (with yourself, really) because then you might use that strength on him. Something like that.

I don't think you need a break from the therapist. I do think you need a break from the husband.

Una,
You're right. Deep down inside, I know she's safe. She isn't going to retaliate or something similar. Isn't said you hurt the people who you are closest too? Because they are the safest. I do want her to hurt. I want her to feel my pain. To change? I want her to change back to the version of her before her pregnancies.

SD,
You're also right. I do need a break from H. Nineteen years of almost completely 24/7 together. My only me time is therapy and other doctor appointments. Though recently, once a month, I go to breakfast with my mom and family friend and he doesn't come.

Hugs, Scarlet. Of course you're still deserving of support. I know firsthand how difficult it can be to leave a T or even take a break.

Is meeting with T still an option, maybe to help you figure out what to do? In terms of taking a break or not? I know she was in favor of you taking one, but I know for me, it can help to have someone to talk things through with (R has helped me a few times with that regarding Dr. T).

And did L say anything else about the idea of a break when you talked? I"m sorry it sounds like she just caused you pain from the conversation today.

You deserve support no matter what, Scarlet ❤️❤️ I know there is no easy option, you can only do the best you can each day. I’m sorry you are hurting so much

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

It is excruciating when the person who you turn to for support is also the person who caused the pain.

Starting over again would suck, there are no two ways about it.
Trusting somebody whose actions have caused you pain is extremely difficult too.

I wish you peace with whatever decision you make.

Lost

Thanks, LT.

I think having a session with T could still be an option. It's just hard with T. Maybe because she says it like it is? And sometimes I don't want to hear it. Like she told me that L technically never lied to me. "Technically", it's true.

L says she'll support a leave whenever I want to. And she wouldn't consider it leaving. She said even if I left for 2 years, I could always come back. However, I'd be put on a waitlist. While I understand that's fair, it would still suck.

Part of me still wants a break. We just are not okay. I need more help than she's willing to give me. Like she's had no time for a session over the weekend and no time for a short phone call today. Last rupture, we had rl contact every day until I was able to start coping. I just still feel like she's punishing me. And I feel like if she truly understood, she'd find the time.

She says she's owning her actions and that she's feeling it. I just don't believe her. For some reason, I no longer trust her words. Like she says she cries for me for how pregnancy triggers my maternal transference and my infertility grief. She's always cried for that. I want her to cry for how she's broken my trust and our relationship.

She wants me to text her "Are you there?" whenever I feel alone. It's a little comforting because I know she is there. However, it hurts because I feel like I'm allowing her to gloss over the pain and act as if she's there. Like I'm betraying myself.

I feel so stuck and am struggling so much. And I don't feel like she's empathetic to my pain.

Thanks, Ana.

I am trying my best. I'm trying hard to communicate the best way I can with L, but there's like a wall between us. And I am trying to cope without her. Even yesterday, after H yelled at me, I somehow was able to get up, clean the kitchen and make dinner. I was also able to take a shower. So it's not like I've given up. I'm just struggling.

Thanks, Lost.

Yes. Being hurt by your support person makes it really difficult seeking help from them. For me, it almost feels like going back to an abuser (like I did with H). It's just so confusing. Especially when the only to fix the relationship is working/depending on that person.

Session yesterday was an eh. The worst part is she brought up my infertility when we weren't even talking about it. She says it was an accident, that she thought we were talking about it. But I truly believe that things like this wouldn't happen if she was on her meds. It hurt so much when she did it. She was so blunt, straightforward. Not kind or gentle. She should know better than to bring up my infertility when we're discussing what's going on right now with her.

Why is your infertility off the table? How do you knit your T takes meds... I've never heard anything like it...

I just wanted to say that I think it's OK to declare certain topics off the table in therapy. Clients should be able to decide that they don't want to talk about a particular topic unless they're the ones who bring it up (maybe with a few exceptions, but I can't see infertility as one of them).

For example, I have an agreement with my therapist that he's not going to bring up the idea of reducing sessions (aside from, say, times he's away/unable to meet on a particular day)--that it's on me to bring up when I'm ready. And there are a few other topics, too, where it's only if I bring it up. Like forgiving my mother for some stuff from childhood (as he pushed for that a couple times and it went very poorly).