She's ****ing pregnant again!!!

I don't understand knit my Ts meds phrase. Do you mean basically that it's none of my business? For one, she told me about them and two, not being on them is affecting her and affecting me.

As for why infertility is off the table is because I don't feel she can have any understanding AND I feel she has disrespected me. I'm a part of CNBC group. I've posted about this to them. It hurts all of us, of course them indirectly. I just don't think that she deserves to know anything about this topic. She especially doesn't have the right to bring it up. It's too deep of a grief/wound for her to be flippant or careless about. Like LT said, I get to decide what I do and don't want to talk about. It's my therapy.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Scarlet.

I read 'knit' as a typo for 'know', in which case you've answered TR's question.

Feeling like T doesn't understand is a really difficult place to be in.

Are you able to lean into your groups more, and talk about other things with L?

Identifying a different focus made my recent stint of virtual sessions more helpful than they would have been otherwise.

Now...I just have to deal with the fallout of having the conversations I needed to have with R with other people.

The one I hired told me, unbidden, that both she and her sons took meds for anxiety. I have no idea why - I was not going to take any med and the idea that she took them was in no way going to have bearing on what I did. So, in my experience, some of those people like to talk about their meds. I do not pretend to know why.

I do not understand the lack of respect part - people get pregnant without intending to all the time and I don't think it is respect or disrespectful to others either way. I mean I get that it feels bad when others have something you want - when my person died I thought of several people I would have preferred gone over her - but the others were not alive at me sort of thing. I do question her wisdom in telling a client so much about it

Thanks, Lost.

There are so many other things I wish I could talk to L about right now. But our relationship is such in jeopardy that it feels like if we don't talk about it, we will just die. Or it feels like we're ignoring the pain/ the big pink elephant in the room.

I'm leaning mostly on this forum. My other group is very one-sided. Whereas here there's a mixture of opinions, there they all mostly say to leave L. While they are suffering from their own mental health, the focus is not on that, so they just react from their own pain. Here, people seem to try to balance all points of view. I do appreciate the other group as I have a place where people can relate and even vent about being CNBC. However, I need more well-rounded support more right now.

SD,
I don't think it's just the jealousy that she has something I want. I mean, it's definitely there. I feel like the disrespect is using a less reliable birth control method. Again, her body, her rights. But she told me she would prepare me for the next. And I just feel like that because she wasn't careful enough and didn't respect her own fertility, it feels disrespectful to me. She even said she knew what this would do to me if it happened. Yet she didn't take any extra precaution? Or at least inform me of the risks of her decision. I know, too, not my place to know such information. But if she was willing to tell me when they'd try again, if she knew how it would affect me, I just think she should have made other choices (e.g. telling me or trying harder).

The thing that gets me is that she said she's talking to her doctors to make sure it doesn't happen again. To me that shows they didn't try hard enough. But let's say they did... this will happen again. I guess the only good thing is that I'm now prepared for the next one right away after she gives birth. I will never trust her to make wise decisions in this topic again.

What scares me now because of her choice of birth control is that she can keep popping out kids whether she wants to or not.

I don’t tend to trust myself to give advice or opinions to anyone so feel free to disregard this - but I can’t help thinking this… from what I remember didn’t you love T as well? I’m sure I recall you being devastated when T went on maternity leave, there was definitely a positive relationship there and then you met L.
I just hate that you are struggling so much and can’t help thinking you would be better with a stable therapeutic relationship with T. I think you are addicted to the good parts associated with L but there is such a huge downside lately and I hate that it’s hurting you so much and I think you could really benefit from just… stable. Less addictive maybe, but less harmful also.
Maybe it’s an insurance thing ? Either way, no judgement whatsoever from me for staying with L, I just wanted to remind you of how well you got on with T, if I remember rightly she had purple hair?

I welcome your opinion and advice, Ana.

Omg! Yes, you remembered her correctly with purple hair! I was attached to T. Very much so. I do love her, too. And her maternity leave was hard for me. Yet at the same time, I already felt a connection to L. I felt connected to her from our intro phone call. It made transitioning to L easier. Here, I'd be leaving by my own choice.

I'm really starting to believe that this relationship is addictive. And because of it, it's why I'm having a hard time letting go.

I don't go back to T for two reasons. 1. Insurance. She doesn't accept any. And she charges $200+ per session. I can't afford that. Right now I pay L $120 a month in copay. 2. She's short-term. She might let me see her for another 2 years, but then she'll want me to find someone new...again.

Yes, T would provide me with more stable therapy. Last time I talked to her, I even mentioned how she almost never let her life affect me whereas L's does constantly. L says it's because we have a deeper relationship. That is true AND it's because L keeps f'ing up.

I am tired of hurting though. H says he hasn't seen me this bad since ex-T left me. I honestly don't know who has caused more pain: ex-T or L? And that's sad.

Yesterday's session went good, I think. I don't actually remember it, but I didn't lose connection until evening time. I just can't hold onto anything positive. It either hurts me more, I start to doubt it or I forget it. Is it sadistic that it makes me feel good when she's said she hurts or cries? But then I wonder if she's lying. We always say honesty first. I have believed her up until now. Now, I just don't trust her.

Just curious, why does T only do short term? That is really rough about the insurance
Glad your session went well! Have you tried writing down how it feels when you are in that good place before you lose it ? It might help to read it when you lose connection?
I can see why it would help to know that she has cried and no I dont think is sadistic but I do wonder why she tells you that though and if it actually helps in the long run ?

I'm not exactly sure why T only does 2 years of weekly sessions. I mean she did see me for a total of 4 years. Just after 2 she would only see me every other week or less. I kind of imagined myself like a leech she was trying to get off her. But she never abandoned me and I could have gone back to her. Just not weekly.

I know a lot of people who don't believe in long-term therapy. One person I knew said that therapists are like politicians: they should be changed out every couple of years. Even my ex-pdoc hated long-term therapy. She said it's okay to stay with the same pdoc for years, but not a therapist. Because then the attachment disrupts the healing.

I don't write things down. I should. I have such a bad memory and when I'm in distress, it only gets worse.

She tells me a lot of things that she probably shouldn't. Many things have actually been helpful. Even as bad as the situation is, her telling me asap was more helpful than not. If she would have waited like last time, I'd have less time to deal with it. Here I get a month or two more? But yeah, she discloses a lot.

Oh I didn’t realise there was such a thing about long term therapy. If my T reduced me to every second week because it had been a certain amount of time I would absolutely feel like a leech as well. I’ve been with mine almost 2 years and would die of shame if she did that to me. It takes so long to find the right one and I only feel like I am starting to trust her now. I honestly had no idea it was a thing.
Yes I remember how hard it was for you that she did not tell you right away. I suppose it’s good that she did learn from last time. Not that it makes the situation any better

That's why I liked L's plans: decades. She was to be my last therapist. She still says decades.

I don't want to have to start over. I literally cannot do this type of work with someone else. I can't go into the traumas again. It's too hard. So therapy would only become about current matters and skills. I guess T or someone like T would be good for that even the short-term aspect. And maybe that's all I need? My H and family say I don't need therapy anymore. That I'm stable enough. They say it's my sister who needs therapy, not me.

This is definitely one reason I'm staying for now. Because of the length of the relationship: now and in the future.

Sorry I’d not use what your H and your family say about you needing this or that. From what you shared they aren’t good judges on what one needs.

Perhaps if you have a good pdoc, they could shed light on you needing it or not.

My pdoc is eh. I'm actually thinking of finding a new one. She is insensitive about my infertility (telling me things like children are hard, sometimes she wish she could strangle hers). She pushed extremely hard for me to go back to church knowing I have religious trauma. She threatened me a bunch of times hospitalization or IOP. And she gets mad at me for not agreeing with her med choices. The only good thing is she prescribes me my benzos. But yeah.

I want to be in therapy. I want to not just have support for my present life (which I'm going through a ton of stuff), but it feels cathartic to work through past traumas and getting to know my whole self.

Did T explain to you at the time why she would only see you every 2nd week? Was that painful for you?
I’m just kind of shocked this is a thing. I thought the client would always get to decide how often they need to go and could reduce it when they felt ready and it would be a natural part of healing? It just seems cruel otherwise. Like we’re being told we are too slow to heal or we’re too needy and so we are getting reduced for our own good. It’s kind of shaming? I would never be able yo trust my T again if she did this to me. It would be the same as abandonment to me.

I can understand why you stay with L. I hope you can find a way to get through this leave with as little distress as possible. Your pdoc sounds insensitive

I'm not sure when T told me about her 2 year rule. Maybe it had to do with she's more skill oriented than interpersonal oriented? I'm not sure it felt like an abandonment to me. Yes, painful. Frustrating. Sad. Triggered my cling response. It just was. She wanted me to reduce to once a month after year 3. I tried, but couldn't do it. The best I did was every other week. T almost deprived me of therapy whereas L immerses me in therapy. Probably another reason why I attached to L. T has been with me for 9 years now, 5 as backup therapist. She said she'll never abandon me. She might take leaves and vacations, and she will retire one day. But she says that's not abandonment. L say the same thing.

If thinking just about the leave, I don't know what I'm going to do for a backup I can see weekly. If I see someone in network, my insurance will say that I then don't need L. So it will have to be out of network or out of pocket. I don't think I can afford anyone's out of pocket. I might actually have to go her leave alone. L says this leave will be different. She thinks, after identifying our misunderstanding from the last leave, she'll be able to be there more for me. Still it's scary not having someone. I wish I had J, but I don't think I can ever trust her. I do not believe she cares even though L says she does.

If I'm going to stay with L, then I'll need to let her in again. So far every time I try, I regret it. And then all the doubt and mistrust comes rushing in. I take a baby step forward and then 10 steps back. How do I let her back in?

There's something I need help with and because of the situation now, I can't talk to her. H and I found out he has extremely low testosterone and has too much estrogen. H said that there's two reasons, but he didn't explain. All he said was one treatment is tirzepatides for weight loss and the other is testosterone therapy. We won't do the testosterone therapy. We don't want to deal with the side effects. But if he just needs tirzepatides, we will probably have to pay out of pocket. H was going to let me try one more time, but it looks like I have no more hope. I just feel like L could never understand. And she doesn't deserve to know. But I need someone to grieve with me and process it. I feel so alone.

Hugs to you, Scarlet. I'm sorry this is something you can't talk to L about right now (and I entirely understand why). I hope the weight loss med could be the answer.

I believe low testosterone treatments could be covered by insurance but it’s also a choice to treat it or not. My husband’s is low too and his doc said it’s a choice what to do about it. We do nothing. He had on a low side most of his life and it’s just what it is. Does your husband absolutely need to treat it?

Meds you mentioned are for diabetes.

What’s he going to let you try?

He was going to let me try to get pregnant. We tried 5-6 years ago. We assumed the problem was with me. It was. I went on Clomid. 8 out of the 9 months I did ovulate. But not one pregnancy. We stopped because I developed a huge cyst that had to be surgically removed. Just recently we talked about trying one last time, but this time I asked our endocrinologist to run some tests on H. Now it looks like H has a problem too.

The tirzepatides is for diabetes and weight loss. H does have diabetes. We're on semaglutide, but tirzepatides work better for weight loss. Even my gastroenterologists wanted me on it, but insurance denied me.

L and I were supposed to work on my infertility BEFORE she ever got pregnant. That didn't happen. And now I feel we're miles apart.