She's ****ing pregnant again!!!

Excellent point, LT.

In an ideal world, validation ought to always precede (sp?) distraction.

I'm sorry for offending anyone with my post.

Do you think I'm stupid and don't know what these things are or that I didn't consider them. Just because they exist doesn't mean I can or want to do them. Comments made here like "Have you thought of adoption" are extremely insensitive and insulting. It just shows that you don't understand infertility or how it can affect a person.

Maybe you (whoever needs to) should read up on CNBC. It's actually World Childless Week this week. There are many good reads on worldchildlessweek.net.

Yes, I have thought of adoption. It's not as easy as signing up and getting a child. It is an option my H and I considered, but to pay an insane amount of money up front and then have money for the child...

I do not wish to do fostering. It's not right for me and my H right now. For many reasons, but a main one is that I don't want to get attached to a child thinking one day they might be my own, to have them taken away.

I could look into Big Brother/Big Sister. But that's not where I'm at right now.

I used to volunteer at the hospital in the maternity ward until a baby died and I heard the mother wailing. Her grief was just too much for me.

Yes, I know what IVF is. But IVF isn't simple either. It takes a lot put of you physically, mentally, financially. IVF and adoption cost about the same amount.

And while I'm confirming recent comments, yes L's body, L's rights. I think I've already said that twice here? I guess it would be good for all of you to know that I believe no child is a mistake. They are all gifts from God. And besides my other feelings and thoughts, I want L to be happy and have a fulfilling life. Just because I can't have my dreams doesn't mean I want someone, especially someone I love, to not have their dreams.

And lastly, my issue with infertility is NOT the only issue. There are SO many things that are affecting me. Let's say I could have a child of my own. This situation would still be upsetting to me.

LT, I know you took your post down, but I appreciated it.

I went through fertility.. I'm also an adoptee so NO becuse of my awful experience growing up adoption wasn't going to work for me... I had a sonthrough ovarian dissection which can only be done once.. Then when he was 3 after fertility injections every day for 2 weeks I got pregent with twins... Went for a 3 month scan and they had died inside me... Waited a year and begin treatment again and got pregnant with twins again.. They're in they're 30s now.. Being adopted I felt robbed both ends... Had no real parents and no children.. Thank who ever it worked for me... But there were no soft options to replace any of this.. The psi of loss over the first twins.. Man that hurt... I understand no one can ever rely get what I went through... But when told "oh well you can adopt"... That lights my fuse... Children aren't a commodity.. Adopted Children aren't there to fix us... No other child is there to fix us. Thankfully my T listened to my pain...

How is it going now Scarlet? Did you get to work through what caused you to walk out ?
Just wanted to say I could tell you weren’t looking for any advice or opinions on your infertility, more so the fact that you can’t deal with it in therapy right now. Sorry that things are so hard ❤️

Thank you for sharing TR and I'm sorry for your loses.

Thanks Ana.

Yes. I'm not looking for infertility advice. I know my options and I know what will and won't work for my family. The only reason I talk about my infertility is because it is a factor in why I'm having a hard time with L. Their comments just showed how much they didn't understand infertility.

I actually do not know why I walked out. It's like I blocked out the entire session. The only things I remember are one of her therapists put a new desk in her office and she didn't warn me which triggered my anxiety and her anxiety for me. Then she forgot our greeting hug because of her anxiety which triggered me even more. And for the rest of the session I was frozen. But I don't know why I walked out.

I had a phone session with her Wednesday which went well. We talked about something she was vague with me about. And then I had an in-person double session yesterday. I actually was able to tell her about all my infertility news: something insensitive my mom said, insurance denying me to see a reproductive endocrinologist, and H's lab results. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about telling her. On one hand, I wish I didn't. She didn't deserve to know. Or I don't want her to feel better in anyway because she helped me. But the release from crying, just having someone be with me in it, someone who just listened... it was so needed. It's really heavy carrying all of this alone. But she didn't pretend to understand and she listened and asked questions. She was comforting.

But now I hurt more and am conflicted. How good yesterday felt makes how bad what we're going through seem even bigger. There's such a contrast. And the conflicted part is how do I go forward with all this pain and while also carrying yesterday's good? The both/and is just so big. It's so confusing. My brain and heart are just overwhelmed.

Right now, we're a baby step forward. My next real time contact will be Sunday or Monday. We'll be discussing the other the she was vague with me about. Not looking forward to that conversation. I have a bad feeling that that isn't going to turn out well.