Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy

Update about her pregnancy. I just had a two hour session with her. It was a lot of information that will take some time to digest. But I now understand. Now I can feel empathy. Now I can feel forgiveness (she's not completely forgiven, not yet). Now I can better separate my grief from her situation. We still have more to go through, more to process, but we took several steps forward today.

This is one of the reasons she does share a lot with me. It does help me understand. Not a lot of people ever gave me the chance to understand about them, about life. But understanding someone or a situation helps me not just with the situation, but with myself. Yes some things probably should have not been shared over the course of our relationship. But understanding is so valuable to me.

Still, I must go through a leave earlier than expected. And her leave happens 2 weeks before our 6th anniversary. Another bad anniversary for me. Another loss and grief. There's still so much to grieve in our relationship and in my own life. I'm still struggling. But I'm also doing better than where I was even this morning. I just hope so badly that I can hold onto these positive feelings. I desperately need a break from all the intense grief.

P.S. Tuesday we'll be talking about our goodnight texts expectations and how to better use them in the future.

I'm so proud of you for sitting in it, Scarlet.

I know it isn't easy. 💐❤️

Thanks, Lost!

It definitely wasn't easy. But even after sleeping on it all, I'm okay. I have tons of stuff flying through my head because it was information overload. And I haven't contacted L since because I have too much to say and nothing to say at all. Whatever words I can form, I think would be better for real time than in writing just like what she did for me yesterday.

I saved my words for today's session. I realized that I was not okay with the information that was shared the session before. The first part of my response, I couldn't verbally say, so I emailed it to her. The second part I was able to say. I don't know that we made any progress. If anything, it was just more confirmation about my feelings towards her and the situation.

The second part of what I shared was the unfairness of an accidental pregnancy. For her, she didn't need to be overly cautious. She'll still have a beautiful healthy baby. For me, if I had the ability to get pregnant right now, the baby would either not survive or would be born with horrible malformations (due to medications). I have to take my birth control seriously even if I can't get pregnant on my own. It's why I'm actually on birth control even though I'm infertile.

At one point, she blamed me for something and then tried to retract it saying she didn't mean for it to sound accusatory. In the moment, it didn't even register. Now it has. It was something pretty mean. Blaming me for her choices.

I don't know what my path forward is. I still have leaving on the table. Even if I stay, how do I get back to neutral with her? We're just miles and miles apart.

End of March is her due date. I don't think 6 months is enough time to repair this and prepare for another leave. Oh. And she still wants more...

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

I relate to the sense of distance that you describe.
I'm horrified that she would blame you for her choices.

I am sorry that you are so aware of the consequences that any potential pregnancy would have for the baby.

That is so much to have to hold.

'How do I get back to neutral with her?'

Isn't that the question...

Sending strength and hope that you can find a way through.

Take care,

Lost

Another 2 hr session. It was only meant to be 1.5 hrs. Oops. I was stuck in freeze a lot of the session. But half way through she asked me to look at her. She's done this a few times now. I actually find it helpful. Again, I don't remember too much of what was said. My stupid memory has gotten so bad since all of this. It's not the greatest normally, but it's a lot worse now.

I asked her a bunch of questions in an email a couple of days ago.
* Why should I stay?
* How do I gain back trust in you?
* How can I trust "honesty first"?
* How do I hold onto anything right now: love, reassurances, apologies, etc?
* What is the next step(s)?
She wasn't able to clearly answer any of them. I feel disappointed and wonder if it was an excuse for whatever reason (back to me not trusting her). She said that right now I'm spinning and what she knows to be true is she wants to be spinning with me.

She mentioned some things I'm struggling with like splitting her. And how she wonders why I can't integrate the her I know and the her who hurt me. She says we're going to make the most of the next 6 months. Oh and she said not to make any decisions yet. That right now I'm in emotional mind and until rational and wise-mind come back, I won't be able to make a wise decision. And when I do make a decision, it will be right because I will feel peace about it. I really don't know what to do.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry it was such a difficult session. I wonder if you do need a break--even just a week or two--to allow yourself to get out of the emotional mind? It sounds like you're stuck in the pattern with her--spinning, as she called it.

It also seems like she's putting the blame on you, wondering why you can't integrate the parts of her. Hm...I'm thinking of what she said with the spinning with you. Maybe that's part of the issue? You need her to be steady ground, something solid and unmoving to hold onto, but she's in there with you also spinning. Maybe she's also in her emotional mind?

Wow. You make a good point, LT. Maybe she is too much in emotional mind. I get what she means that she wants to be in it with me so that I'm not alone. But I do need her to be my "rock". She's the therapist.

Spinning or unpeeling...

We had an extra session that was long again. It isn't helping. With the holidays around the corner, there will be less sessions. And I know my health insurance is going to skyrocket next year, so I won't be able to afford extra sessions. There's just not enough time to repair especially before her leave. But even if I had long sessions everyday, that probably wouldn't be enough too, huh?

I'm so depressed. Nothing is helping.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry it's not getting better.

Things will L has gotten worse. Now it seems like she's pushing me towards leaving.

I had another phone call with T. She said two options are I take a break now for like a month and then work with her for 5 months or to wait for 6 months and then take a break when she goes on her leave. Those aren't the only options, just 2 she provided me. T thinks I should keep trying with L. She does think the problem lies with my reactivity, but also L and the choices she's making. Like today. L and I were talking through text and email and then she ended the conversation by saying we'll talk about it in session.

I am struggling so much. It's affecting my memory so bad. I don't remember conversations with L. I also can't even remember what I did yesterday. When people remind me, I remember. But otherwise, I'm blank.

How can you give up on a 5 year relationship? That's what I want to know. How do you let go? I sometimes feel like I'm in an abusive relationship and both of us are stuck. We keep trying, but failing.

I have session today. I'm not looking forward to it. I don't even want to talk to her. I technically shouldn't go because I'm extremely tired and won't be safe to drive. I feel like I'm obligated to go.

I really hate L right now.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet. Some of the things you say here make me think about how things ended with my L. Like the feeling like you're in an abusive relationship and both of you are stuck. After more than 12 years with my L, I really began to feel like I was trapped in a cult and there was no escape. If she hadn't shown her true colors and said those hurtful things to me, I probably never would have left. I still don't know why she did that. Unless it was because I pissed her off when I told her I felt like she didn't know what to do with me anymore. Anyway it's been almost 8 months since I left and I'm still working on letting her go. Much of the time I think i have, but then I realize nope, I was just kidding myself. I think that's part of my depression right now. That I still haven't let her go. and I just don't.know.how.

I wish I knew what to say that would help. I just wanted to empathize and show a little solidarity. I wish you all the best in this difficult situation.

To me the situation doesn't sound good. It seems her things and yours are getting mixed up, and that's not the point of therapy at all, it should be about you. I don't know how else to put it.

For reference with my T and his illness: he's said some people can't take it and just leave. Most others accept it and we work on it sometimes, but it's not most of our session at all. I am glad I have flipper to talk to about more regular life things. But while some things like my abandonment fears get triggered by Ts situation, it's something he takes in and gives back to me as helpful takes and lessons for me. To me it doesn't sound like that's happening with L and you. It doesn't even sound like she manages to get you regulated enough to remember the sessions, that doesn't seem to useful to me...


Thinking of you!

Maybe a good start would be closing this thread and starting a new one with a less explosive title.

I find it upsetting myself, i cant imagine how you feel to be constantly reminded of it.

I know being reminded or not doesnt CHANGE things, but what is the point of purposely re-traumatizing? Its like getting your car stuck in sand or snow - the point is to get yourself out. Figuring it out is how growth happens, not digging yourself in deeper and deeper.

And yes, i can (and probably will) put this thread on ignore.

I'm so sorry. I hope you're able to be safe going to and from session today and that it's somehow helpful or at least doesn't further hurt you.

So, in terms of leaving a 5-year relationship, I struggled with that with ex-MC. (That may have been more like 4 years? I don't know.) But still, until we had the major rupture near the end, I didn't see how I could leave. Like, I thought I wouldn't survive it. But then the major rupture happened, We kept trying for a few months after that.

But what it came down to is that I felt I couldn't trust him anymore. No matter what he said, I just couldn't. I also couldn't feel the caring when he looked at me, but I think the big thing was the trust.

With Dr. T, we've had lots of conflicts--more than with ex-MC, certainly. But for whatever reason, I continue feeling like I trust him (which is what made me go back the one time I actually left). And if something happened in my life, I felt he was the one I wanted to turn to with that.

Do you feel like you still trust L? I know trust can fade in a relationship and then return. So it's not a fatal blow. But it's something for you to think about. I do think a break could help you to see it all more clearly. Even just a couple weeks, ideally with no contact with her (maybe you could meet with T once or twice in the middle of that time).

Una,
I will answer these responses, ask a moderator to rename the thread, ask them to close the thread and restart a new thread. I'm sorry this upsets you. That was not my intention!

Thank you, Artie. Even though I wish you weren't suffering, it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I wish my L would do something really really grievous, so I could leave. What? I don't know. Or just give up and let me go. Which she won't. I know she won't. She's hurt me deeply by her pregnancy even though I know it's not like she was trying to hurt me. And then I'm just suffering more and more and I can't seem to stop. This mess is at least 50% on me, my reactivity. I own that. I think she's owning her part? Today it seemed like she wasn't blaming. I just wish there was a clear answer.

Thanks, CNS. Today, for once, we actually worked on being more regulated. We went slower and we did breathing and tense/release. I actually didn't freeze today! My memory one the other hand is still waning.

Yes, this year has been so much about her. Too much. I don't get to work on the things I want to work on, least not with specifics. Like parts work or my childhood timeline or my feelings about losing my relationship with my dad. And this past month, all we have worked on is her pregnancy, my infertility a little, and our relationship. I don't know if I'm really gaining any lessons. Just a bunch of processing. I used to learn things from her like how parts work works and dialectics and behavioral chain analysis. And more. Maybe I'm just exhausted from all the processing? Maybe it's just overloading my brain? I know something needs to change, I'm just somehow hoping it doesn't mean without her.

LT, I guess I must trust L in some ways because why am I refusing to leave her? I believe she won't abandon me as in stop being my therapist. I don't trust her to stop hurting me, but I know that's unrealistic. But to some degree, I need her life to stop impacting mine. I'm trying to trust that she's been 100% honest with me. I mean she must be to tell me all of these things, right? I think if just somehow I can get myself to trust her honesty, I might be able to hold onto the good parts of our relationship.

Similar to your ex-MC and Artie's L, I wish my L would give me good enough cause to leave her. Lie outright to me. Abandon me. Insult me. I don't know! But I just think to myself how can I give her up? What if we can work through it? She's willing to. And now T thinks I should work through it. T says we're all messy people just trying to find our way.

I do think a break would be good. I really do see the pros. And yes, T would definitely be there for me if/when I need her. And I just don't know how to let go. I'm seriously addicted to all the contact. And I have a fear of missing out on precious time with her before her leave. But pretty much, not all, everyone says that I should at least take a break.