Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy

It really seems like she just isn’t able to provide the care that she used to. It’s like she doesn’t want to take anything away but she can’t keep up so she keeps messing up and hurting you. It must feel like you can’t trust what she says anymore?
I really hope your pdoc can find you a new therapist, even if it’s just for a while

Is she doing all these texts reading and responding on her own time? It seems like a lot. Not sure why she makes these promises. Does she have other clients? Even if you are her only client, that’s just a lot to remember and keep up.

You aren’t wrong for asking her for things, but if it’s too much for her, she shouldn't make promises.

I really think you need a therapist with firmer boundaries. She shares way too much and makes these unrealistic strange promises (like promises not to get pregnant what the heck) but then it’s just inevitable that no one can keep this going, so you get hurt at the end. She means well but no one can keep this up

I’d rely on your pdoc to find you a better fit t.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry. It is really difficult when they offer to provide something, then don't follow through. It seems like she's promising more than she can provide, which isn't fair to you. I don't know what the answer could be. Possibly for her to check in at some point within 24 hours? I don't know.

I know for me, Dr. T pretty much always replies to emails in the mornings, generally between 7 and 9 am (and he says this, that he will reply to client emails each morning). Recently, there was a time when I emailed the night before and hadn't heard anything back by around 11 am the next morning. I realized maybe it wasn't clear I wanted a reply, so sent an email clarifying that and saying that if it was that he was busy, a reply the next morning was fine, to just let me know. He responded within an hour, apologizing that he'd been to busy, but would reply that night. I knew not to expect that. He didn't reply that night, though did reply the next morning.

I'd have preferred if he'd just said "I'll get back to you by tomorrow" instead of saying he'd respond that evening. I did ultimately talk to him about this yesterday, saying that if he knew he couldn't get back to me in the normal timeline, could he possibly just send a very brief email or text, like, "Busy, sorry, will reply when I can." Just to acknowledge it. He said he could do that. I know that might not work in the situation with L, if it's a case where she might intend to text in the evening but falls asleep, say. But maybe you can figure something else out? That she'd then send you a "good morning" text, say? I don't know.

Thanks everyone. Technically, they are not promises. They are intentions and expectations. Least that's the words we use.

She just broke another expectation right now. Our agreement is for her to reply to any communication (except time specific like the goodnight texts) before noon the next day. If she can't, she simply tells me before noon that she can't, but when I might expect it. We had three email threads going yesterday. And I added one more. So I responded to 4 emails before midnight. The expectation is I'd at least hear something back from her even if her response needs to be delayed. I know that's a lot of email threads (even for us!), but I have heard nothing. Not one thing.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry. It would be good if she could at least send, say, a few words (literally) saying she can't reply yet. Sounds like you unfortunately need to discuss and renegotiate so that you aren't left waiting and disappointed. It's not fair to you.

Honestly, with so many email threads she probably just didn’t realize there was another and thought it was one she had already replied to.

The amount of constant texting and emails feels chaotic just reading about it. Perhaps it’s adding to your anxiety rather than giving you time to process and let your thoughts and emotions settle a bit. There’s such a thing as too much stimulus. It ends up feeding on itself and expanding which is the opposite of what you want.

Perhaps a bit of a limit on the amount of back and forth is needed to quiet your system down? It’s just a thought. It just sounds so chaotic and counterproductive.

I think she takes on way more than she can handle. She likely had good intentions but just can’t handle it. Maybe her husband tells her that she’s not there for the family in the evenings because she texts and emails all evening. 4 email threads from one person is a lot to read. Who knows how available she is for all this within her home life.

But again not your fault. She’s the one that had to set up realistic expectation from the start. Is she fostering dependency? Making you relying on her all day and night?

This is coming from a person who has poor boundaries between work and home and is there for people responding to texts/emails from them day and night. So I am not a good example of what not to do.

Could you sit down with her and go through expectations and make adjustments. What’s reasonable? What could she do for sure? And she needs to stick to it. One email a day? One thread, not 4? Text but maybe not at night? She needs to commit to what she can really do. Obviously she can’t do what she said she was going to. Some changes need to take place

She finally responded to all four. I know it takes time to read, but it took her less than 15mins to respond to everything. Even if she has a busy day, she could have told me and postponed her responses until she had time. She also never brought up the delay...

This is SO chaotic for me. It's why I was convinced to take a break. But I panicked and changed my mind. You're probably right that I really need to reduce the communication. She keeps hurting me and I'm sure I keep hurting her. She said she's had sleeping problems ever since she told me. Probably why she fell asleep in the afternoon yesterday.

I wish she would be the one to let us go. I'm sure she needs a break from me, too. I don't know why she just doesn't plan another vacation. Why is she holding on?

I really do think I'm addicted to her. I feel like we're enmeshed. And I know she is fostering dependency. She believes you need to get your dependency needs met in order to be more confident to be independent. Or something like that. She does support when I want to be independent like she said she was proud of me for walking out of the session.

I know none of this is healthy for me and probably her. And something needs to change. I don't think she’ll be the one to initiate the change, so I have to. But what? What do I change? Anything at this point is just going to add to the hurt. I feel stuck. What is more painful: sticking with it or leaving.

I don’t think she could drop you even with a referral without making it to look like an abandonment. So I think if you want to end it, it should be you.

I’d worry about how you feel and not how she feels. You aren’t each other’s therapists. Yes she could feel hurt on clients behalf or feeling hurt by clients actions but it’s still her job. I don’t believe her feelings need to be your concern. She can figure it out or ask advice in supervision

If this is too much and you find difficult to tone it down, take a quick break. Maybe few weeks?

Again I’m not the best to take advice from but what I would do in this situation is say ‘L, I feel like you just cannot keep up with the outside session contact that you promise.. The fact that you encourage me to ask for it and then aren’t able to provide it is really confusing and hurting me and I can’t do this anymore. I want the support but can’t handle the pain of you not doing what you say you will. I need some clear boundaries. What outside session contact can you offer me that you can be consistent with?’

I feel this will communicate to her how much her poor boundaries are hurting you & help you feel in control of this crappy situation and not like things are being taken away if she does it

No, should not have to do this but if you want to try and make this work again and feel like an adult in control then this is how I would play it

Update about her pregnancy. I just had a two hour session with her. It was a lot of information that will take some time to digest. But I now understand. Now I can feel empathy. Now I can feel forgiveness (she's not completely forgiven, not yet). Now I can better separate my grief from her situation. We still have more to go through, more to process, but we took several steps forward today.

This is one of the reasons she does share a lot with me. It does help me understand. Not a lot of people ever gave me the chance to understand about them, about life. But understanding someone or a situation helps me not just with the situation, but with myself. Yes some things probably should have not been shared over the course of our relationship. But understanding is so valuable to me.

Still, I must go through a leave earlier than expected. And her leave happens 2 weeks before our 6th anniversary. Another bad anniversary for me. Another loss and grief. There's still so much to grieve in our relationship and in my own life. I'm still struggling. But I'm also doing better than where I was even this morning. I just hope so badly that I can hold onto these positive feelings. I desperately need a break from all the intense grief.

P.S. Tuesday we'll be talking about our goodnight texts expectations and how to better use them in the future.

I'm so proud of you for sitting in it, Scarlet.

I know it isn't easy. 💐❤️

Thanks, Lost!

It definitely wasn't easy. But even after sleeping on it all, I'm okay. I have tons of stuff flying through my head because it was information overload. And I haven't contacted L since because I have too much to say and nothing to say at all. Whatever words I can form, I think would be better for real time than in writing just like what she did for me yesterday.

I saved my words for today's session. I realized that I was not okay with the information that was shared the session before. The first part of my response, I couldn't verbally say, so I emailed it to her. The second part I was able to say. I don't know that we made any progress. If anything, it was just more confirmation about my feelings towards her and the situation.

The second part of what I shared was the unfairness of an accidental pregnancy. For her, she didn't need to be overly cautious. She'll still have a beautiful healthy baby. For me, if I had the ability to get pregnant right now, the baby would either not survive or would be born with horrible malformations (due to medications). I have to take my birth control seriously even if I can't get pregnant on my own. It's why I'm actually on birth control even though I'm infertile.

At one point, she blamed me for something and then tried to retract it saying she didn't mean for it to sound accusatory. In the moment, it didn't even register. Now it has. It was something pretty mean. Blaming me for her choices.

I don't know what my path forward is. I still have leaving on the table. Even if I stay, how do I get back to neutral with her? We're just miles and miles apart.

End of March is her due date. I don't think 6 months is enough time to repair this and prepare for another leave. Oh. And she still wants more...

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

I relate to the sense of distance that you describe.
I'm horrified that she would blame you for her choices.

I am sorry that you are so aware of the consequences that any potential pregnancy would have for the baby.

That is so much to have to hold.

'How do I get back to neutral with her?'

Isn't that the question...

Sending strength and hope that you can find a way through.

Take care,

Lost

Another 2 hr session. It was only meant to be 1.5 hrs. Oops. I was stuck in freeze a lot of the session. But half way through she asked me to look at her. She's done this a few times now. I actually find it helpful. Again, I don't remember too much of what was said. My stupid memory has gotten so bad since all of this. It's not the greatest normally, but it's a lot worse now.

I asked her a bunch of questions in an email a couple of days ago.
* Why should I stay?
* How do I gain back trust in you?
* How can I trust "honesty first"?
* How do I hold onto anything right now: love, reassurances, apologies, etc?
* What is the next step(s)?
She wasn't able to clearly answer any of them. I feel disappointed and wonder if it was an excuse for whatever reason (back to me not trusting her). She said that right now I'm spinning and what she knows to be true is she wants to be spinning with me.

She mentioned some things I'm struggling with like splitting her. And how she wonders why I can't integrate the her I know and the her who hurt me. She says we're going to make the most of the next 6 months. Oh and she said not to make any decisions yet. That right now I'm in emotional mind and until rational and wise-mind come back, I won't be able to make a wise decision. And when I do make a decision, it will be right because I will feel peace about it. I really don't know what to do.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry it was such a difficult session. I wonder if you do need a break--even just a week or two--to allow yourself to get out of the emotional mind? It sounds like you're stuck in the pattern with her--spinning, as she called it.

It also seems like she's putting the blame on you, wondering why you can't integrate the parts of her. Hm...I'm thinking of what she said with the spinning with you. Maybe that's part of the issue? You need her to be steady ground, something solid and unmoving to hold onto, but she's in there with you also spinning. Maybe she's also in her emotional mind?

Wow. You make a good point, LT. Maybe she is too much in emotional mind. I get what she means that she wants to be in it with me so that I'm not alone. But I do need her to be my "rock". She's the therapist.

Spinning or unpeeling...

We had an extra session that was long again. It isn't helping. With the holidays around the corner, there will be less sessions. And I know my health insurance is going to skyrocket next year, so I won't be able to afford extra sessions. There's just not enough time to repair especially before her leave. But even if I had long sessions everyday, that probably wouldn't be enough too, huh?

I'm so depressed. Nothing is helping.