Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy

I'm pretty sure I can't see T full-time. She might be able to get me a spot, but she'll charge over $200 a session. My copay is $15 and I already met my out of pocket, so it's $0 now.

T actually called me. I didn't ask her to. It was so helpful talking to her. She offered support and acknowledgment, validation, and of course was positive. But she didn't tell me what to do, as in bossing me around. She said she's willing to do a session with me, too. She wants me to email her in the morning to check in.

Sometimes I forget how good she's been to me. There's a reason I was attached to her and why I've stayed in contact for 5 extra years. I'm glad I reached out to her. Still struggling, but feel less alone.

I'm glad you heard back from T and that she was helpful in the call. And that she's willing ot do a session. I hope you can meet with her soon. I wonder if you could tell her that the positivity isn't helpful right now, that you just need validation and support from her? Or however you'd want to word what you need.

Thanks, LT. Yeah, L also suggested I tell her I don't need the positivity. But I guess today it worked. Like she told me my emotions will come in waves. And tomorrow, my emotions might only be at 80% instead of 100%. She told me right now I'm in emotional mind and I need some time for logical mind to come back online. Then I can use wise-mind to make a decision. But to not make any decisions now.

You know what I think helped me most next to her support? She made me feel special by just calling me. She still had my number accessible. And she took time to reach out. She was at home and one of her kids walked in. So I assume she wasn't working then. Sometimes just knowing you're still important and wanted is enough to get you to the next step. I'm not even close to being at 80%, but I can say I'm safe now.

I did do one thing bad. I texted L about T, and the last thing I said was "at least I have someone who's stable".

I had a session with L tonight, too. I'm still not sure what to do, so I'm taking T's advice and waiting.

We talked about the word betrayal. She doesn't agree with the word. We talked about her feelings towards me. We talked about how the most painful part isn't that she's pregnant. It's the leave, but even moreso the fact that I feel she is disrespecting me, my infertility, and her fertility. That she's taking it for granted. That will be our topic for tomorrow's session. This might be mean, but what made the most difference is knowing she cried for me. I don't know why, but that makes a difference to me. Maybe because it's physical evidence that she feels something. We also talked about what she means by reliable and consistent. We talked about why it would be better for me to stay with her. She also said she'd support me if I decided to leave and she'd understand why. I told her she kept making excuses saying she's human and imperfect. Also, in a text tonight, she apologized for many things and took responsibility for her choices.

"she cried for me"... That's a hook for a lot of clients.. Not a healthy hook

Yeah sounds a bit manipulative. Not saying it always is. When my mom died and I cried in session, my former t got teary eyed. It was a normal reaction as there was nothing to be gained for ger by crying or nothing to manipulate. In this context though? She cried?

T should always put the client forfront
. Maybe a "I understand this is upsetting for You, let's talk about it"

I just want to say, I know how you feel. My last therapist got pregnant twice during the three or so years I was seeing her. I waited for her the first time and put up with the 6 months of virtual sessions she did during her transition back to work but the second time was too much. She told me she would be doing the same thing as before, would keep me updated and would let me know when she was offering virtual sessions again. None of that turned out to be true. When I emailed her to ask what was going on her tone was completely different and it was like none of the conversations we had prior to her leave had happened. She just didn't seem to care anymore (or perhaps never really did). Fortunately I found another therapist during that time who has turned out to be a much better fit and I am still seeing her now, over 18 months later. Prior to all this, I had dealt with two other T's going on maternity leave and not returning plus another one who said she couldn't help me anymore and then later told me she was closing her practice. I am still dealing with the trauma of all these events now but it does get easier. I hope you are able to find someone who can help you through it.

I'm so sorry you went through that Retro! I'm scared of the same happening to me. Like second child just means less availability, less connection, less support. I struggle with favoritism. How can I compete with 2 little ones? No one can. It would be extremely wrong if I could.

I also realized last night, she's only given me 6 months to reacclimate to her since her leave. And there have now been 5 ruptures. The ONLY thing I've gotten to work on in the past 12 months that hasn't been because of her is the situation with my dad and sister. That's it. Everything else has been about her ever since the announcement of her first pregnancy. 6 months... Now it's all about her again.

Had another session with L tonight. To be honest, I don't remember much of it. I think partially because we did parts work which takes a lot of concentration to remember what part is what. But also because I was so emotional and just kept crying. She told me some ways that she's been feeling all of this for me. She said that getting good sleep has been hard for her. She does feel guilt and remorse for hurting me in this way. She said I need to take a grief break and she'll hold it for me and light a candle for me tomorrow night and Monday night. I wrote her a long list of questions which she's going to answer on Tuesday and then give it to me in writing.

I told her what she did is almost worse than ex-T. At least ex-T left me and stopped harming me. L on the other hand has continued to harm me since her leave. I told her she's been manipulating me to stay by using my love for her against me. I do believe that.

She made a good point, but it also can be seen as manipulation: if I try to find another therapist, trusting them enough to do trauma work is going to take time. And right now I need support to get me through this.

That's all I remember, but there was so much more.

I honestly don't feel safe. H has really stepped it up and has been with me as much as possible and has been trying to cheer me up. He knows I feel sui right now. I've also taken my anxiety med every night. I gave L my all. She knows every detail about me. Even my sex life and history. Everything. I can't do this with another person. She's right, I will never trust someone in this capacity again. And I'll probably never do trauma work again. So the question still remains: do I give up on this relationship because she made a stupid decision? Well, multiple now. Or do I forgive her for all the pain she has caused me? I wish she could go on her meds. Then I might be willing to try to trust her again. But she can't. And I'm not sure I'm willing to put up with her hurting me anymore.

I'm curious: what would you all do? The group I'm a part of on fb have all told me to leave her. Even 2 therapists there have said that. H and my family say to leave her. I know some here have said to leave. Why can't I just cut ties? She is just hurting me way too much.

I don't think she is working therapeutically with you and I think she is enabling a borderline process which ultimately isn't going to serve you. So much of what you describe in the work is about how she soothes you, connects with you, tells you that you are important, and so on, but I don't believe that is the developmental work which someone with relational trauma needs.

Of course, when she able to meet you in these "loving" ways, it feels stabilising, but it is all externalised - it relies on her relationship with you rather than your relationship with yourself. You make it all about her because parts of you need to know what is going on with her (is she sorry, does she love me, where is she?) in order that you can feel safe, but then you are angry that it is all about her. She is facilitating this process of you looking to her to feel something about yourself and I think that is a very frightening because I suspect it recalls something from your childhood relationships.

I don't think it's mean that you felt reassured that she cried, I think it indicates that you are both locked in re-enactment which centres around connection-disruption-penance-catharsis. But what happens after the cathartic period for you? She isn't wrong for getting pregnant a second time and I think her apologies only hold up some right/wrong win/lose binary which isn't adult or healthy for you.

I have said similar things over the years to you about her way of working with you so none of this is new. I feel for you because it would be Herculean to end the work with her and start with someone new. I know that from my own experience. However, you are not so uniquely or severely traumatised that you can't begin therapy with someone else - choosing not to is another matter of course.

I think she's out of her depth in multiple ways and this doesn't sound like therapy, it sounds like a protracted attempt to prove that you are important to her. You are smart Scarlet and you could make real progress.

Scarlet, how old were you when your sister was born? I think this is the "stupid decision" you are stuck in.

Are you really not getting quality t times 2 hours a week?

I don’t think she’s done this “to you,” but it is what it is.

Consider working towards finding a different therapist who might be beyond this stage in life. Consider a therapist who has experience working with your issues in a more boundaried environment so that you can begin internalizing your own abilities to cope with emotions and events without defaulting into crisis mode over and over again. It just seems like you are stuck in a loop of crisis with this therapist.

Change can be growth. I know my own progress was very much helped through working with new therapists along the way who sort of shook things up a bit to get me out of habits of thinking and feeling and therapy that were due for a change.

Perhaps this is a time to change, and that’s truly scary, but not always a bad thing.

So sorry this is so upsetting and frustrating for your life. No decision has to be made immediately. You have some time. Let things settle a bit emotionally and then you will be able to know how to proceed.

Comrade,
This isn't news to me from you and from others. I am leaning towards you are right about my relationship with L. I've become emmeshed with her, addicted to her. She provides me with so much that I crave outside myself. I can survive without her. Like SD said, I did it during her last leave. Even when she's not available during a crisis, I still make it through it coping until she can be there. Tbh, in the beginning, I worried about her boundaries. It’s so hard not to take the candy being dangled in your face.

Also tbh, I'm not sure how much progress I've made with L. T is the one who helped me with most my coping skills. And she probably did me a favor trying to wean me off of her after 2 years. But my therapy with L was helpful the last 3.5 years. But since her first pregnancy, it's been all about her or rupture after rupture and crisis after crisis. The only thing that's been completely about me is the situation with my dad and sister.

It would be so hard to walk away and start over. Like really hard. But I think I'm pretty much there. At least the walking away part. My biggest fear is that this will be a permanent decision after I make it. Because of insurance and time slots, I don't think I'll ever be able to go back. So I have to be sure this is what I want.

Una,
I was 7.5 years old when my sister was born. I don't think that that has anything to do with this. But maybe both my sisters' kids might. My younger sister claimed that all her children were accidents. I don't believe her. I think she knew what she was doing with the last two. And my older sister says that her second was an accident.

As far as quality therapy during my 2 hours... I guess it's quality. But it's not focused on me anymore. It's focused on her and how she affects me. We haven't done "me" work since she announced her first pregnancy. The only thing she helped me with that has nothing to do with her was the situation with my dad and sister. Everything else has been her.

She says it's good that I'm triggered. Not that she means to do it, but it gives us a chance to know this part of me and work through the trauma templates that are causing the sensitivities.

Artley,
I'm curious as to what therapist I should be looking for. Like what modalities? I know one who works with infertility and BPD would be good. Probably someone who does DBT. But otherwise I don't know.

I think you're right, I'm stuck in a loop of crisis. I think I am addicted to the catharsis. And I almost crave another crisis to feel it again. I don't think I'm doing this on purpose, but it is getting to be a pattern.

I am still waiting to make a decision like T told me to do. It's just such a hard one because it's permanent. If there was a way that I could test put therapists while still seeing L, that would be ideal. But to have e to get rid of her just to search is really difficult.

I think you're very wise to recognize this about yourself (the bolded part). Many people here on these forums feel this way, but sort of refuse to see it or recognize the pattern. Based on your ability to self reflect and see patterns that are negatively impacting your life, I think you would do remarkably well with a good DBT therapist!

IMO- Your current therapist is truly doing you a disservice and reinforcing old feelings and behaviors that are no longer serving YOU (and by "you" I mean the calm, wise, and regulated adult you wish to be and are more than capable of becoming). She may have good intentions and care for you on some level, but she's no longer doing quality therapy with you. It's an enactment that is harming you. And that's her fault. Not yours.

I asked her how and she told me. She said she did consider the consequences for me. I don't believe her. She still disrespected people like me. She still betrayed me. If she was thinking of me when she made her decision, why not tell me the chances? This is all bs.

I talked to T again. She suggested a 2-3 week break. She said if something comes up during the break, I can do a session with her.

I don't think L will keep my slots for 2-3 weeks... And I don't know what to do.

I can only imagine how heart-wrenching this is for you. And, I feel like L owes it to you to hold your slots for 2-3 weeks if that's what you need.

I can see how a break would help. Could you ask L if she could hold your slots for you? I imagine she might not agree keep the times open during the break itself (like in case you came in), but I'd certainly think she could keep them open for, say, 2 or 3 weeks for now. Though if it's only for a couple weeks, maybe she would keep them open even on the days you didn't plan to come in.

It's definitely worth asking.

At the time, I had intended to just end things, but when I (temporarily) terminated with Dr. T about 5 years ago, when I decided to go back a few weeks later, things seemed much better between us. Time apart can sometimes help if people seem to be at an impasse. So this could be worth considering, even if it may be difficult. There's no harm in asking L about it to see what your options are. Even one week of no contact could potentially help.

Thanks OliviaB and LT.

I do feel she owes me the break and keeps my slots. But then again when she told me about her pregnancy, she said that that session was for free (even though she only told me 30mins in, so 30mins to process was all I got). And right now, I've met my out of pocket, so sessions are free for me. Big deal that she gave it to me.

I did mention the break to her in a text. She said she'll respond this morning.

Maybe taking a break will help us both reset. Maybe it will even show her I'm serious about possibly leaving. Maybe she'll understand the gravity of the situation. And maybe it will give me a break from all her chaos and drama.

And I worry that taking this break gives me less time with her before her leave, she could give up and leave me, or the break doesn't help and I come back to the same problems we had before.

But I think all of this weighs on how long she'll let me leave for.

Plus, if she hasn't given up on me yet. I've written her some pretty cruel emails and texts. Two last night. Maybe I am trying to push her until she breaks. And if she does, then it's sort of evidence that she was never a fit.

H and I had a long talk last night. He desperately wants me to take a leave or leave her. He says he's tired of going through this with me. He called L a drug and a prostitute. He said I'm addicted to her and attached to her hip. And he said that you can't love a prostitute because she will never love you back. It's about the money, and it will always be about the money. I see his point for both... And the addicted part of me doesn't want to believe it. At least not the prostitute part.

She said she'll let me take off 5 consecutive sessions, but I have to collaborate with her first. And if I need more, I'll have to collaborate again with her.

What does she mean by "collaborate with her"? Like you need to meet to talk about it first?