Feeling closer to other supports than T?

Hi, all.

At long last I've done my time in virtual therapy for now.
As the first in-person session back approaches, I'm struggling with a sense that I feel closer to those who have been present for me in this time than I do to R.

I've had conversations with other services and supports that I should have had with her all along, but when we're working virtually she can't do much if I am in distress.

Words are powerful, but proximity is what I need when I'm in my feelings.

I've spoken with my contact at the helpline on a weekly basis since just after R announced her intention to go virtual for the summer.

I understand that it would be weird to keep that up, but I have been speaking with a grief guide over Zoom and I intend to keep that contact.

What the grief guide offers is quite different to therapy.

I know it's gonna take time to 'rebuild' my relationship with R, and as time goes on I somewhat regret asking for our first session back on World Suicide Prevention Day, which is already going to be difficult.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for in posting this...maybe some solidarity or reassurance that this makes sense somehow?

Thanks,

Lost

Good job for using alternate support systems and finding resources that can help you.

It also seems that by assigning value (good vs. bad) to your own feelings and experiences you actually cause yourself pain and distress.

Perhaps you could try saying to yourself "I feel somewhat distant from R right now and that's very natural and okay. It makes perfect sense given that she's been online recently. Alternately, I am feeling very connected to these other support systems right now...and that's also very natural and okay. I don't have to push myself to feel anything different than what I feel. I can allow it all to evolve without putting pressure on myself."

Saying these sort of things to myself can really help when I notice I'm getting anxious about a situation.

I guess it's just another way of trying to remain present in the current moment without judgement of ourselves (which can also help us to avoid the impulse to control and judge others). Self compassion usually leads to more peace and compassion for others too.

It's not quite the same, but I've felt closer to Dr. T's backup T a few times in the past year or two than to him. And felt a bit guilty about it.

I think it can be a natural thing. Where we might feel closer to someone who is giving us the support we need in the moment. Especially if there's some sort of conflict with the primary support-giver, like in your situation, Lost.

I think it also could be that there are certain expectations that we (including myself) place on our T's. And we don't have those same expectations of others that provide support. It's less complicated in that way. There isn't a history. So that could be part of what's going on as well. Like, in my case, if Dr. T's backup didn't understand something I was trying to explain, I wouldn't feel bothered in the same way I would if Dr. T wasn't getting something I was trying to say.

And I think it's OK to keep those supports as you're rebuilding with R.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Lost.

Right now, even with all that's going on, I don't necessarily feel closer to my other supports. I think for me, more comfortable and more trust in my other supports. Which still hurts. I want L to be my closest, most comfortable and trustworthy support. I have to accept that right now she isn't. And she has to accept that, too. I know how hard it is to feel distance from a therapist. I felt that way when L was on her leave. I guess I feel distance from her now, too. But not necessarily closer to the others. Distance from someone who is supposed to be close, comfortable, trustworthy is so painful. Imo, it actually makes the gap seem wider because of what they mean to us.

This! This is what L tells me. That because I have let her in to a deeper degree, I am more affected by her. Like one of my ex-pdocs took a maternity leave. It sucked because I had to see a new doctor, but it really didn't affect me at all. Even T's maternity leave didn't affect me as much as L's. I'm so much closer to L that it affects me 100x more.

Thanks Inky, LT and Scarlet.

You've all made really good points.
I'm glad I posted to get this out of my head.

Inky - I really appreciate you normalising the way I'm feeling.

LT and Scarlet - those 'threads' make a lot of sense.

The timing of all this was frankly shocking.

I couldn't have known in June that I would end up in this scenario.
The new info is hard to handle, and when things are hard to handle, R is usually there.

I've been able to acknowledge the facts and implications with these new people, but R is the person I trust most with my feelings.

So many sodding layers, and a limited time to deal with them.