What would your ideal therapeutic relationship look like?

Something has come up numerous times with my T that we haven't fully discussed: What I wish I could have from the therapeutic relationship. What it would look like for me. In a discussion today on how we need to talk about that in the future, he said he was curious as to how others would answer that.

So, I'm curious: What would your ideal therapeutic relationship look like? This could include anything: How often you meet, what outside contact is allowed, whether any sort of touch is allowed in sessions, length of sessions, how much or little they share with you, whether you only meet in the office/online, etc.

I'll answer at some point, too!

Once a week. No need for more than that. Oh, that they know ASL.

Thanks for sharing! Do you conduct your therapy in ASL?

I’d say what I have now. I’ve been seeing my T over ten years. We meet a couple times a month, and she usually can squeeze me in when needed. We’ve been through it and she’s always remained boundaried while compassionate. She knows when to use humour to talk me off a ledge, and when she can push me a little bit. She allows emails, is open to trying things I want to try and she’s funny. I couldn’t have asked for a better T in this joirney.

With two therapist yes. It’s a lot more focused that way because I don’t have to concentrate on reading lips.

No matter what is going on I honestly can't say I wouldn't go back to my transference T if I had the option. I don't even know why. My current therapist is a lot better and seems to actually like me and allows emails which is a big part of therapy for me. So I don't get what my problem is. But I'm not sure I'd ever say no to going back to my transference T. I'm guessing its kinda like a bad relationship type thing.

Oooh, what a great question! This would be my ideal therapist-client relationship, considering that I want to make progress on my healing journey and what I know about therapy.

We would meet twice a week, ideally in person, or perhaps once a week with a brief phone check-in in between. I could text once if something pressing comes up or I need connection, and they would respond with a "Thanks for sharing," "That sounds hard," or "Hope you are okay, let's talk more in session" type message (though with twice-weekly sessions, this is unlikely).

Touch: A brief hug upon departure, especially if we're only meeting once a week or having a break.

Session Length: 75-90 minutes, depending on how the session is going. If the session is an hour, there’s room for flexibility to go over by 10 minutes, with a hard stop at the 75-90 minute mark.

Disclosure: The therapist shares a bit about their life when appropriate. For example, if I share something, they might briefly share something about themselves. We've already discussed that they will share some and are comfortable with it but won't get pulled into too much detail, as the session is about me. If they find themselves talking too long, they’ll redirect back to me.

I never really cared about what the therapist did at home or in their real life. I didn't care about how they would react or what they would do in a situation. I did not want any therapist touching me. I really didn't want to have murmers of platitudes or thanking me for sharing or other things I find patronizing. I really just wanted the therapist to tell me how it was supposed to work specifically so I could do it and get away from them. What sorts of things are useful to tell them versus what is not (I really never found anything all that useful to tell them. They were not as useless when I needed to rant about western medicine torturing my person -but really all that required was for them to sit there and not say anything). Mostly I just wanted to know what was supposed to be happening from sitting there and blathering on at them. I really did not get how talking to them was supposed to help anything

I need a therapist that I jive with personality-wise. I definitely don’t like blank slate therapists: too much like talking to a doorknob. My therapists had pictures of their family in their offices and we chatted comfortably about casual things for a few minutes usually at the beginning of sessions. I enjoy getting to know people as people. I did NOT appreciate the one therapist I had who over shared her abuse history with me though. WAY inappropriate and I stopped seeing her almost immediately. That’s NOT casual conversation.

Once a week at most unless I am in true crisis, and I need the flexibility to schedule at varying times: a fixed slot each week would feel too rigid, too obligatory. My real life has to come first. I found that normally once every eight to ten days was more my groove. Gave me time to process and the flexible days and times kept it a bit less prominent over the other aspects of my life. For me, that allowed me to stay in the driver’s seat and not become overly dependent on the therapist.

I never had texting or email privileges with a therapist and I am glad it was that way. Knowing I had to pick up the phone and call allowed me to think before contacting and not let it turn into an issue of too frequent contact.

Touch was never an issue for me. I was always able to get a quick hug without it being a big deal. I think my therapists knew it was just kind of standard greeting for me without baggage so it was a non-issue. That said, they ALWAYS asked for permission before initiating any physical contact.

I was done with therapy before Covid hit, so I never had virtual therapy. I know I would have hated it and probably just quit. As a teacher forced suddenly into virtual teaching with no warning, the whole virtual thing was uncomfortable, stressful, and honestly a bit traumatizing with the association it will always have with my husband’s death. Every now and then I get forced into a virtual meeting at work and I detest every moment of it.

A therapist that has under gone her own therapy..a therapy that challenges me to think... The rest falls into place

This is a great question. My ideal therapeutic relationship is mostly the one I have now with one tweak.
What I already have is once a week hour long sessions, with in between session contact through text and email. Text if it’s urgent and email if it’s not. She reads my emails within a day or 2 and lets me know she read it and it’s helpful. She has a personality and is funny, it’s like talking to a friend while still being professional. Self discloses when appropriate and her judgement is spot on with that. She adapts her approach and keeps coming up with new creative ways to help me through the session.

I had a T before who would schedule me last and it never felt like there was a time limit on our sessions. We went until it naturally slowed, whether that be 10 minutes late or 30. I felt like it was sort of special treatment but the only problem was I just didn’t like or click with her as much even though she was very kind and patient so I’d never have got the work done with her that I do with current T.

My sessions are perfect but just never feel long enough and I never feel like I get through everything. But that’s probably me being picky

That's a really good question, and one that I haven't yet figured out how to answer. For a really long time, it looked like what I had with L. Until it wasn't anymore. Now, I just don't know. Temp t R was helpful in looking at the anger I felt at L, understanding it and letting it go. Maybe I'm just done with therapy. Or, more likely, just too broken for therapy. I don't know.

In an ideal world unlike the one we live in, I would have therapy 2-3 times a week, extended sessions of 90 minutes and occasionally (with pre-planning) 2-hour sessions. I want a therapist who has had their own deep therapy, is smart, snarky, funny, collaborative and who does not view themselves as the "expert" and/or hoard power. I'd want a therapist who trusted me to know what I need, who trusted me in general. One who might challenge me sometimes to look deeper or consider different perspectives, but doesn't think they know better than I do and who doesn't make a habit of telling me what is or mansplaining myself to me.

I want a therapist who doesn't mind being challenged, who doesn't get defensive, or if they do (because, human), will own it. Someone who will apologize if they messed up, but not take on more than is theirs, and who isn't too passively sweet and accommodating. I like a therapist who is super engaged and interactive, very real/human in the room, and who will go really deep with me, take risks, and allow themselves to be vulnerable on occasion. I need a therapist who will grow with me.

Definitely in person. And who allows out-of-session contact by email, essentially unlimited (again, trusting me to know what I need and to not be excessive), but who doesn't engage a lot via email. The agreement I had with my previous therapist was that I would ask for a response if I needed one, if I didn't ask for one, they would use their judgement about whether to respond or not. This resulted in them responding about a third of the time, and that felt about right to me. Not so often that I became dependent on their reassurance, but often enough to built trust and maintain the connection between sessions. One who has flexible boundaries around things like out-of-session contact, extra sessions, touch in therapy, etc. and who is willing to talk it through and come to a joint decision that honors both of our needs. One who doesn't pretend they don't have needs in the therapy space, because of course they do. Someone who is honest--really honest--with me. And perhaps more importantly, honest with themselves.

Someone who genuinely comes to care about me and is not afraid of love in the therapy space. One who allows themselves to be known by me. One who is willing to be creative and a bit unconventional in the therapy. One who is not afraid of attachment or "dependence" in the therapy space (not that they foster it, but are accepting and skilled in working with transference, not uncomfortable) and who believes humans are meant to be interdependent. One who believes that therapy is a combination of corrective experiences and also learning to meet more of our own needs.

I had all of this. I had it for 8.5 years, and then he unexpectedly went on leave 6 months ago, and we only had one final session, and I am heartbroken and not optimistic about ever finding this again.

I can't formulate my response right now, but I am enjoying reading others' responses.

I'm in the same boat, Lost. I don't know how to respond yet, but am reading everyone's responses.

My problem is the way my relationship used to be with L was pretty much my ideal therapeutic relationship. But now... now there's only pain, so something isn't working. But I don't know if I can pinpoint what would help it. Less out of session contact? Less disclosures? Probably that. Reduce sessions? I really don't know what would help.

Yes, same here. Because there's also the question of what I would *want* vs. what might be best for me. It's helping to read what others say.

Just putting everything down in random order:


I'd say similar to how it is with my T (minus the illness and connected scheduling issues). One session a week, fixed time, early afternoon, with additional support if needed, i.e. phone calls or an additional session, max one per week unless there's an acute major crisis. No touch besides handshake, maybe a hug to say good bye on the final session. Length of session should be fluid but more or less an hour, more if it's a major crisis and in person. Discussion is open to everything, but T knows what the general things at the moment could be and goes with whatever I bring to the table. But he also has an idea of where to go if I'm stuck. I'd say it has to be a man at the moment, I really don't vibe well with women. He should be at a stable point in life where stuff doesn't constantly change and he can guarantee to not suddenly vanish minus unforeseen circumstances. He shouldn't have a problem with disclosing, but should keep it to a good minimum, I probably won't ask much until year 4 or 5. Has to be able to work with trauma and dissociation and should know how to guide me to calm down. Has to trust me. Shouldn't get overly angry, firm voice is enough. Should be a bit but not too pushy.
During session, we concentrate on me mostly, not other clients or other things. Boundaries are clear and my boundaries are respected. Awareness of how things will affect me and signaling so (for example knowing that cancelling on their behalf is unpleasant to me and to acknowledge that). He should be able to take accountability and discuss arguments without them getting heated.

Online therapy isn't necessary for me, email contact is comfortable but I'll handle it the same way I handle written letters with my current T. And he has to have a personality that fits mine. If I don't feel comfortable or get rubbed the wrong way in the first session, I'll probably not come back and otherwise it'll probably work.

You have put into words exactly what I would want in my therapist in more detail. I am sorry you had this and no longer have it that must be incredibly difficult.

Therapy three times a month . In the case of crisis a time limited extra sessions.

I'm a male and have a male T. Definitely don't want him touching me.

Sometimes I think we get along too well, and we (I) waste some time chit-chatting. He's never gotten me back on track; eventually I realise I'm going off on a tangent and then recover with, "So anyway..."

I'd also like it if he'd tell me if I'm being a jerk about something, like when I tell him I can't stand how my wife complains about how much pain she is. Or at least some way to cope, rather than just say that it's a lot to deal with.

The billing isn't done right. The payments from the insurance company pay off the oldest invoices, and when I finally go online to pay an invoice, it says 0 balance. It's very confusing.

I would say my current therapy relationship is probably as close to my ideal as it's possible to get.

The upsides:
Current TR is alternating weeks online with f2f. Online lasts an hour, f2f lasts 90 minutes; sessions do run over if we are in the middle of processing something, she never just cuts it short.
In-between contact is allowed by email or text. I use it mainly for communicating things I have problems verbalising, and then we'll use it as a basis for discussion in session. I never expect a reply from T, although she does sometimes send a brief reply.
She allows a hug at the end of the session if I want it.
T has very few actual boundaries (at least none that I've bumped up against).
T shares personal information if she thinks it will be helpful. She doesn't give advice, but will make suggestions if she thinks it will be useful but there is never any compulsion to take it.
T understands the complexities of being a Carer because she is one. She also understands the challenges of living with a specific neurological condition, one that ironically, I share with her partner, so she understands that from the inside out too.

The downsides:
T sometimes over-shares a little too much.
The carer side of her life occasionally gets in the way of sessions and we might need to reschedule.
She lives too far away to do f2f every week, so every other week is a compromise.

Despite the challenges of her dual-life, I would not swap my T for anything.

I've been to a few therapists over the years. Some were okay and at least one was truly harmful. My current one is by far the best.

I need a therapist...

-who is intelligent, grounded and has done their own work

-who understands trauma and attachment and isn't going to get entangled in an enactment with me.

-who has safe boundaries but also isn't afraid to share some of themselves too. My T lets me into his life without making it about him, or over-divulging personal stuff. But he answers any questions I have and even sends me photos of beaches and mountains when he's on vacation.

- who isn't afraid to give a hug if a client wants one and would benefit from that.

-who shows love and care but also doesn't encourage over-dependence on therapy or the therapist. This one is huge and lately these forums have made me appreciate my T's insistence that I keep my own power and don't give it away to anyone, especially not to a therapist (who by nature of the relationship dynamic already holds a lot of power).

For me, it would be:
Options to meet more than once a week
Email within reason is allowed
Allowing some sort of touch, but not as a regular thing, but also not a deal breaker
I'm fine with 45 - 50 minutes, but I prefer longer vs shorter
No blank slate
In person is the norm, with an option for online as needed

I'm answering this through the lens of my relationship with P. There has always been a "chemistry" of sorts between us. If I were to have a new therapist where I didn't feel that chemistry, I might feel differently about some of these things. For example, my NP prescriber, who I also do sessions with about every 3 to 4 weeks, offered me a hug one time and I turned him down. I didn't feel comfortable enough with him for that and I might never want any sort of touch from him. I also have no desire to email him while I do have that desire with P.

As long as were getting detailed I have more to add

A relaxed bohemian vibe in office and person, ideally an office in an house not an office building. Eclectic and variability in psychological approach to the process. Willingness to talk politics as that is something that causes much anxiety. Communication by text and email to schedule appointments and such. No need of regular contact outside of office hours. Sessions being 50 minutes. Like to end sessions with lighthearted talk of art or literature. All my Ts had office buildings a house would be a nice change. Also within 10 minutes drive or less and ample parking.