Asking for empathy from T

Hi all,

Even though I'm now back to doing therapy in person, the fallout from working virtually over the summer continues.

When I had my first session back face to face on WSPD, I asked R what her recollection was regarding where we left off in July.

'I know you didn't want to talk about Steve stuff over the break...so I guess we're heading back into that space?'



We had one session to talk about the new 'Steve stuff' before we moved online.

I explained the facts at the time, but R has yet to acknowledge the impact of this information.

I would appreciate hearing her say something to the effect of 'I'm sorry you now know this.' or anything that indicates a level of understanding...but having to ask for it feels weird, when it has always been a given in our relationship.

I'm having extreme difficulty with the sense that she's forgotten this destabilising information.

This hurts - please bear this tenderness in mind in your responses.

Many thanks,

Lost

Hhhhm, I wonder if she's having any counter transference? Seems odd that normally she's in tune with you....

Thanks TR,

This is my first time encountering that concept.
I've looked it up, but I still don't quite follow.

Any chance you could elaborate?

Lost

The feelings you're experiencing is too close to something she's experienced.... I'm probably wrong but wonder why she's struggling to understand on this issue

Thanks, TR.

Appreciate you breaking it down that much.
Waiting for my mental capacity to come back after a heavy anniversary this weekend.

Lost

Counter transference can also show as her responses to your transference towards her. For example, if you want empathy from her (when at core this desire for attunement is a developmental need hence transferential and not really about her), she might pull back from your call to her. She might find your transferential feelings uncomfortable if your need triggers something uncomfortable in her. This could be outside of her awareness, but you would hope she would have sufficient insight to process this in supervision/therapy as counter transferential responses are important information for therapists. I am not saying I think this is happening, just giving another example of ct.

Am I right in remembering her modality is person centred? If so, empathy is a core condition so I wouldn't imagine she struggles with the concept. Maybe she just forgot the information?

I wouldn't ask for empathy because it feels forced and if it isn't freely given, I am not sure what worth there is in it. I would certainly speak about how it feels to not receive empathy or to be overlooked. These issues are always about more than what's happening in the therapy interaction.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I've had to ask for empathy from my T before, where it just seemed like an obvious, easy place to give empathy and he just...didn't. (I started to type up a detailed account of one example--when my D had Covid just before a family vacation a couple years ago--but realized that probably wouldn't be very helpful to you.) I've actually said things like, "I could really just use some empathy here." Or "I'm really just looking for support."

If you haven't directly said things like that to her, I would. I know it can be difficult. But I think it's better ultimately than holding it in and not getting the support you need and deserve. I'd basically tell her what you said here. If it's too difficult to say out loud, maybe write or type it, then hand it to her at the start of session (or email, but I know you've had some issues there): "I explained the facts at the time, but R has yet to acknowledge the impact of this information.

I would appreciate hearing her say something to the effect of 'I'm sorry you now know this.' or anything that indicates a level of understanding...but having to ask for it feels weird, when it has always been a given in our relationship.

I'm having extreme difficulty with the sense that she's forgotten this destabilising information."

I hope she can give you support and empathy.

Thanks, Comrade.



You are correct in that she is a person-centred therapist.
I appreciate your point about empathy feeling forced.

I am in considerable pain as a result of this new understanding, and her response thus far would suggest that she thinks it's no more than business as usual.

Thanks, LT.

I remember how much that hurt you.
I'm feeling bewildered and forgotten, which is something I have never experienced from her.

It may seem as though I need her to be calm in the face of what I am sharing, but if anything I need to borrow her strength to help me face what I am finally on the edge of allowing myself to feel.

Lost

I know I just basically gave opposite advice to this in terms of asking directly for empathy. But I wanted to say that I very much identify with the push-pull dynamic and agree that it potentially could be happening here. Dr. T has recently said that he realizes that happens in our work together at times. (I was already aware of the pattern, but I'm not sure he'd really acknowledged it--at least, not to me.)

It can often be subconscious, so a T may not realize they're even doing it. Could be worth thinking about whether anything similar has happened with you and R in the past, Lost. Or maybe it's unique to this one situation.