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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,292
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#1
Hi all,
Even though I'm now back to doing therapy in person, the fallout from working virtually over the summer continues. When I had my first session back face to face on WSPD, I asked R what her recollection was regarding where we left off in July. 'I know you didn't want to talk about Steve stuff over the break...so I guess we're heading back into that space?'
Possible trigger:
We had one session to talk about the new 'Steve stuff' before we moved online. I explained the facts at the time, but R has yet to acknowledge the impact of this information. I would appreciate hearing her say something to the effect of 'I'm sorry you now know this.' or anything that indicates a level of understanding...but having to ask for it feels weird, when it has always been a given in our relationship. I'm having extreme difficulty with the sense that she's forgotten this destabilising information. This hurts - please bear this tenderness in mind in your responses. Many thanks, Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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Member Since Sep 2022
Location: Eire
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#2
Hhhhm, I wonder if she's having any counter transference? Seems odd that normally she's in tune with you....
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,292
13 3,448 hugs
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#3
Thanks TR,
This is my first time encountering that concept. I've looked it up, but I still don't quite follow. Any chance you could elaborate? Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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Member
Member Since Sep 2022
Location: Eire
Posts: 168
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#4
The feelings you're experiencing is too close to something she's experienced.... I'm probably wrong but wonder why she's struggling to understand on this issue
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LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,292
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#5
Thanks, TR.
Appreciate you breaking it down that much. Waiting for my mental capacity to come back after a heavy anniversary this weekend. Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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iheartjacques, LonesomeTonight
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,797
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#6
Counter transference can also show as her responses to your transference towards her. For example, if you want empathy from her (when at core this desire for attunement is a developmental need hence transferential and not really about her), she might pull back from your call to her. She might find your transferential feelings uncomfortable if your need triggers something uncomfortable in her. This could be outside of her awareness, but you would hope she would have sufficient insight to process this in supervision/therapy as counter transferential responses are important information for therapists. I am not saying I think this is happening, just giving another example of ct.
Am I right in remembering her modality is person centred? If so, empathy is a core condition so I wouldn't imagine she struggles with the concept. Maybe she just forgot the information? I wouldn't ask for empathy because it feels forced and if it isn't freely given, I am not sure what worth there is in it. I would certainly speak about how it feels to not receive empathy or to be overlooked. These issues are always about more than what's happening in the therapy interaction. |
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
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#7
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
I've had to ask for empathy from my T before, where it just seemed like an obvious, easy place to give empathy and he just...didn't. (I started to type up a detailed account of one example--when my D had Covid just before a family vacation a couple years ago--but realized that probably wouldn't be very helpful to you.) I've actually said things like, "I could really just use some empathy here." Or "I'm really just looking for support." If you haven't directly said things like that to her, I would. I know it can be difficult. But I think it's better ultimately than holding it in and not getting the support you need and deserve. I'd basically tell her what you said here. If it's too difficult to say out loud, maybe write or type it, then hand it to her at the start of session (or email, but I know you've had some issues there): "I explained the facts at the time, but R has yet to acknowledge the impact of this information. I would appreciate hearing her say something to the effect of 'I'm sorry you now know this.' or anything that indicates a level of understanding...but having to ask for it feels weird, when it has always been a given in our relationship. I'm having extreme difficulty with the sense that she's forgotten this destabilising information." I hope she can give you support and empathy. |
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LostOnTheTrail
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iheartjacques
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,292
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#8
Thanks, Comrade.
You are correct in that she is a person-centred therapist. I appreciate your point about empathy feeling forced. I am in considerable pain as a result of this new understanding, and her response thus far would suggest that she thinks it's no more than business as usual. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin Last edited by LostOnTheTrail; Yesterday at 05:25 PM.. Reason: Gibberish removed |
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ScarletPimpernel
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,292
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#9
Thanks, LT.
I remember how much that hurt you. I'm feeling bewildered and forgotten, which is something I have never experienced from her. It may seem as though I need her to be calm in the face of what I am sharing, but if anything I need to borrow her strength to help me face what I am finally on the edge of allowing myself to feel. Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
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#10
Quote:
It can often be subconscious, so a T may not realize they're even doing it. Could be worth thinking about whether anything similar has happened with you and R in the past, Lost. Or maybe it's unique to this one situation. |
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comrademoomoo
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,292
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#11
Thanks, LT.
I'm not sure what you mean by 'push-pull dynamic'. I feel let down by her as I had no option but to begin processing this new information with others if I wanted to do so semi-safely. Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
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#12
Quote:
I don't think it's conscious on his part. I certainly hope he isn't thinking "LT wants more support right now, but I'm not going to give it to her--haha. It's likely about one or more of the following: countertransference, his own avoidant attachment stuff, his thinking certain things are appropriate for therapy and other things not (like my sending an email to let him know H's surgery went well), etc. I do wonder, if it could remind him of a dynamic in his own life, maybe with his wife, mother, or sister (seems likely a female figure), in which case it could be more of an enactment, if I'm understanding the meaning of those correctly. Hope that helps explain it more--basically one person pushing for more, the other person pulling back in response. |
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LostOnTheTrail
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,292
13 3,448 hugs
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#13
Thanks, LT.
That makes sense. This is the first time I feel as though I can't assume understanding because we didn't have the chance to talk about the feelings that came up for me around this. I simply didn't know what they were, so I have had to figure that out with other support people, and I don't know where to begin in catching R up. Her memory is usually very good, and for this to be the thing that she has seemingly forgotten...the biggest thing... Well, it sucks. Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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LonesomeTonight
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