Asking for support

How do you ask for more support?
I know I can contact T outside of session. She is always great at responding and saying the right things.
But when something difficult comes up, I can struggle with feeling abandoned in it over the next few days and it really affects me badly. It’s like I get triggered because I think I’ve been left in it. What i need is to be able to reach out and express this and receive reassurance that she has not abandoned me. I hate how needy this makes me but I think it makes me really resistant around difficult things because I can’t handle being left in it afterward and it limits what we can talk about.
Basically what I want to know is this an acceptable thing to ask for or is it pathetically needy? I’ve never reached out for something so needy before

It is okay to ask for what you need. Are you in a DBT group?

Needy or a need?

No I’m not in a DBT group
But is this an ok thing to need?
I dont want to be high maintenance or clingy. But I can’t feel safe while this keeps happening.

Hi Ana,

I'm sorry you're struggling with this.
What does 'more support' mean to you?

A few years ago I asked R to write a couple of messages on post-it notes, a few months apart.

It took a lot for me to request them, but they helped at the time.

I'm currently trying to figure out what I need from R in order to feel safe with her again after the carnage over the summer.

Understanding what 'more support' means for you (not expecting you to answer here) may help you work out what is OK to need.

Hope that helps,

Lost

I'm probably not the best one to answer, but I think being reassured that she isn't abandoning you is an okay thing to ask.

I used to ask L all the time. Now, I'm pretty sure she's not going to abandon me and I rarely ever ask. That is one of the few things I trust her on right now. Asking for reassurances has helped me with my fear of abandonment.

Thanks everyone
Lost, what that would look like to me right now is outside contact for no other reason than to let whatever part of me that thinks it’s abandoned be reassured that it’s not. It’s like my processing only kicks in after the session so I feel abandoned with whatever unpleasant emotions are there.
I would feel stupid contacting her for something that seems so unnecessary but it is really affecting me and making me resistant
Thank you Scarlet, that makes sense to me. I think I need to hear it sometimes

Hi Ana,

Thank you for sharing your response - I understand your discomfort now.
One of the post it messages I requested from R in the early days was 'I'm with you', which is of course a way of saying 'I understand', but also speaks of presence.

I mention this specifically because something similar might feel supportive to you.

Of course, I am presuming that you meet with your therapist in person as well.

I hope you can figure out a reassuring message that could act as a touchstone for those times when you are experiencing that sense of perceived abandonment.

Hugs if wanted,

Lost

I've wondered about this, too. But I've never reached the point where I felt I needed to ask for help.

I'm trying to set up my self-help reference, which you can get a glimpse of here:
Thoughts of a Square Peg on a Round World: Mood Enhancers

I haven't had debilitating anxiety for years, so I'm focused on depression.

I know it may be difficult, but I'd try sharing with her exactly what you said here: "It’s like my processing only kicks in after the session so I feel abandoned with whatever unpleasant emotions are there. I would feel stupid contacting her for something that seems so unnecessary but it is really affecting me and making me resistant." Or what was in your initial post.

See what she suggests. She may be completely fine with a check-in when you're feeling that way. I know I've emailed both my former marriage counselor and my current T after a difficult to make sure they're still there. Even something as simple as "You're still there, right?'

Maybe you could figure something out where you could ask something like that and discuss what would feel good as a response. Like would the words "I'm still here" feel helpful? A different wording?

Another option (either instead of or in addition) is a transitional object--small item from her office or maybe a note she wrote saying "I'm here," similar to the Post-It note that Lost mentioned. To help remind you of her presence. But I know, for me, that alone isn't necessarily enough if I'm triggered by abandonment feelings. So I'd discuss it with her, even though I imagine it will be really difficult. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to feel abandoned.

I would add: If you're discussing emails, I'd find out from her when she would generally reply. My T usually replies in the mornings (like if I email at night, the next morning). However, the few times he hasn't been able to do this, it's caused me increased anxiety. So if, for example, your T would only reply during office hours or might sometimes need a couple days tor reply, it would be better to know that.

It might be worth unpacking what reassurance means for you and what role you think it would play in your development. For me, reassurance itself is not very useful, but different elements linked to reassurance are useful - repetition, reiteration, predictability, etc. So my therapist saying statements like "I am here" or "I am not abandoning you" are pretty meaningless to me, but the experiential aspect of the relationship does show me something. Also, crucially, having that explicitly spelt out to me and having her reminding me of the experiences is orientating.

Thanks everyone. I don’t think a post it will help, I often worry things have changed and that just because she wrote something doesn’t mean it still applies now. I think i need reassurance in real time.
Good thinking LT, she tends to reply within hours and the very occasional time she will message me to let me know that she got the message and will read it eg. tomorrow. But it would be good to actually discuss it with this specific thing in mind
I just feel like it’s over the top and silly but i know it will really help me feel safe to discuss difficult stuff. I feel so stupid though

None of this stuff is stupid. It's all part of our human experience.

Would it help to reach out to someone else or this forum?

Do you ask that because you think it’s inappropriate to reach out to my T?
This forum is great and I do come here when I need guidance but it’s my T I need to hear from when I’m in certain distressed states

It's probably best just to ask her how she feels about offering reassurances especially between sessions. But I would ask when you're not struggling at that time. It might feel too risky to just do it when you don't know her reaction. But if she reacts positively, maybe that will give you more confidence when you do need reassurances to ask.

I agree with all this. Particularly asking at a time when you're not struggling--near the beginning of a session could be a good time. That would also give you time to talk about it. (I have a bad tendency to ask about things right at the end of session, though I've gotten better about it.)

Also, I completely understand wanting the reassurance directly from your T rather than from, say, someone on here. As that tends to be the case for me, too.

Thanks. I will ask her about it. She doesn’t have any strict boundaries about outside session contact so I’m hoping it will be no big deal. I hope she understands

No, I don't think it's inappropriate to reach out to your T. I asked "Would it help to reach out to someone else or this forum?" because I sensed that you're reluctant to reach out to your T.

She cancelled our session yesterday. It’s not that big of a deal, I know. Logically I know that people get sick etc but it’s like some part of me gets really scared when I see signs of humanness. It’s like I think she won’t come back.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Ana.

I can understand why it's so unnerving.
Do you meet with her weekly, or less often?

I've found it helpful in the past to look over the writing I've done after previous sessions to remind me that this disruption doesn't mean anything about the wider context of the relationship.

Right now, I can't imagine doing that because it still feels so ******* tenuous after Everything.

Take care,

Lost

Thank you Lost! I do read things to remind myself I always get through it and it’s always worth it. It just doesn’t tend to work in the moment because I always feel like this time is different.
But I got through it, she came back. We had a wonderful session, we are making progress. I’ll read this the next time I’m having a blip haha