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Member Since Jun 2015
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 441
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#1
How do you ask for more support?
I know I can contact T outside of session. She is always great at responding and saying the right things. But when something difficult comes up, I can struggle with feeling abandoned in it over the next few days and it really affects me badly. It’s like I get triggered because I think I’ve been left in it. What i need is to be able to reach out and express this and receive reassurance that she has not abandoned me. I hate how needy this makes me but I think it makes me really resistant around difficult things because I can’t handle being left in it afterward and it limits what we can talk about. Basically what I want to know is this an acceptable thing to ask for or is it pathetically needy? I’ve never reached out for something so needy before |
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![]() Discombobulated, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel, SquarePegGuy
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Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 1,480
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#2
It is okay to ask for what you need. Are you in a DBT group?
__________________ True happiness comes not when we get rid of all our problems, but when we change our relationship to them, when we see our problems as a potential source of awakening, opportunities to practice patience and learn.~Richard Carlson |
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![]() AnaWhitney
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Member Since Sep 2022
Location: Eire
Posts: 172
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#3
Needy or a need?
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![]() AnaWhitney
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Member
Member Since Jun 2015
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 441
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#4
No I’m not in a DBT group
But is this an ok thing to need? I dont want to be high maintenance or clingy. But I can’t feel safe while this keeps happening. |
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,337
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#5
Hi Ana,
I'm sorry you're struggling with this. What does 'more support' mean to you? A few years ago I asked R to write a couple of messages on post-it notes, a few months apart. It took a lot for me to request them, but they helped at the time. I'm currently trying to figure out what I need from R in order to feel safe with her again after the carnage over the summer. Understanding what 'more support' means for you (not expecting you to answer here) may help you work out what is OK to need. Hope that helps, Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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![]() ScarletPimpernel
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Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
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#6
I'm probably not the best one to answer, but I think being reassured that she isn't abandoning you is an okay thing to ask.
I used to ask L all the time. Now, I'm pretty sure she's not going to abandon me and I rarely ever ask. That is one of the few things I trust her on right now. Asking for reassurances has helped me with my fear of abandonment. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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![]() LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail
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Member
Member Since Jun 2015
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 441
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#7
Thanks everyone
Lost, what that would look like to me right now is outside contact for no other reason than to let whatever part of me that thinks it’s abandoned be reassured that it’s not. It’s like my processing only kicks in after the session so I feel abandoned with whatever unpleasant emotions are there. I would feel stupid contacting her for something that seems so unnecessary but it is really affecting me and making me resistant Thank you Scarlet, that makes sense to me. I think I need to hear it sometimes |
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![]() LostOnTheTrail
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,337
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#8
Hi Ana,
Thank you for sharing your response - I understand your discomfort now. One of the post it messages I requested from R in the early days was 'I'm with you', which is of course a way of saying 'I understand', but also speaks of presence. I mention this specifically because something similar might feel supportive to you. Of course, I am presuming that you meet with your therapist in person as well. I hope you can figure out a reassuring message that could act as a touchstone for those times when you are experiencing that sense of perceived abandonment. Hugs if wanted, Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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![]() AnaWhitney
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Veteran Member
Member Since Mar 2020
Location: Northeastern USA
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#9
I've wondered about this, too. But I've never reached the point where I felt I needed to ask for help.
I'm trying to set up my self-help reference, which you can get a glimpse of here: Thoughts of a Square Peg on a Round World: Mood Enhancers I haven't had debilitating anxiety for years, so I'm focused on depression. __________________ Major Depressive Disorder; Sleep Apnea; possibly on the spectrum Nuvigil 50mg; Effexor 37.5mg Wellbutrin 100mg; meds for blood pressure & cholesterol |
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,543
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#10
Quote:
See what she suggests. She may be completely fine with a check-in when you're feeling that way. I know I've emailed both my former marriage counselor and my current T after a difficult to make sure they're still there. Even something as simple as "You're still there, right?' Maybe you could figure something out where you could ask something like that and discuss what would feel good as a response. Like would the words "I'm still here" feel helpful? A different wording? Another option (either instead of or in addition) is a transitional object--small item from her office or maybe a note she wrote saying "I'm here," similar to the Post-It note that Lost mentioned. To help remind you of her presence. But I know, for me, that alone isn't necessarily enough if I'm triggered by abandonment feelings. So I'd discuss it with her, even though I imagine it will be really difficult. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to feel abandoned. |
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
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#11
I would add: If you're discussing emails, I'd find out from her when she would generally reply. My T usually replies in the mornings (like if I email at night, the next morning). However, the few times he hasn't been able to do this, it's caused me increased anxiety. So if, for example, your T would only reply during office hours or might sometimes need a couple days tor reply, it would be better to know that.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,809
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#12
It might be worth unpacking what reassurance means for you and what role you think it would play in your development. For me, reassurance itself is not very useful, but different elements linked to reassurance are useful - repetition, reiteration, predictability, etc. So my therapist saying statements like "I am here" or "I am not abandoning you" are pretty meaningless to me, but the experiential aspect of the relationship does show me something. Also, crucially, having that explicitly spelt out to me and having her reminding me of the experiences is orientating.
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![]() LonesomeTonight
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Member Since Jun 2015
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#13
Thanks everyone. I don’t think a post it will help, I often worry things have changed and that just because she wrote something doesn’t mean it still applies now. I think i need reassurance in real time.
Good thinking LT, she tends to reply within hours and the very occasional time she will message me to let me know that she got the message and will read it eg. tomorrow. But it would be good to actually discuss it with this specific thing in mind I just feel like it’s over the top and silly but i know it will really help me feel safe to discuss difficult stuff. I feel so stupid though |
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![]() LonesomeTonight
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,809
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#14
None of this stuff is stupid. It's all part of our human experience.
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![]() AnaWhitney, LonesomeTonight
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Veteran Member
Member Since Mar 2020
Location: Northeastern USA
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#15
Would it help to reach out to someone else or this forum?
__________________ Major Depressive Disorder; Sleep Apnea; possibly on the spectrum Nuvigil 50mg; Effexor 37.5mg Wellbutrin 100mg; meds for blood pressure & cholesterol |
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Member
Member Since Jun 2015
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Posts: 441
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#16
Do you ask that because you think it’s inappropriate to reach out to my T?
This forum is great and I do come here when I need guidance but it’s my T I need to hear from when I’m in certain distressed states |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
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#17
It's probably best just to ask her how she feels about offering reassurances especially between sessions. But I would ask when you're not struggling at that time. It might feel too risky to just do it when you don't know her reaction. But if she reacts positively, maybe that will give you more confidence when you do need reassurances to ask.
__________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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![]() AnaWhitney, LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
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#18
Quote:
I agree with all this. Particularly asking at a time when you're not struggling--near the beginning of a session could be a good time. That would also give you time to talk about it. (I have a bad tendency to ask about things right at the end of session, though I've gotten better about it.) Also, I completely understand wanting the reassurance directly from your T rather than from, say, someone on here. As that tends to be the case for me, too. |
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![]() AnaWhitney, ScarletPimpernel
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Member
Member Since Jun 2015
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 441
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#19
Thanks. I will ask her about it. She doesn’t have any strict boundaries about outside session contact so I’m hoping it will be no big deal. I hope she understands
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![]() LonesomeTonight
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#20
No, I don't think it's inappropriate to reach out to your T. I asked "Would it help to reach out to someone else or this forum?" because I sensed that you're reluctant to reach out to your T.
__________________ Major Depressive Disorder; Sleep Apnea; possibly on the spectrum Nuvigil 50mg; Effexor 37.5mg Wellbutrin 100mg; meds for blood pressure & cholesterol |
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