Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

Try to think of her pregnancy as a gift not as a mistake (if you are religious you can think G-d or think of universe or nature if you aren’t).

I’d try to not fixate on the fact that her pregnancy is accidental. So many people are conceived in accident. It’s not unusual or wrong (especially since it’s conceived in marriage and not her mindlessly sleeping around) . Is there any way you can redirect your thinking. Some people might say this kind of thinking of unborn child as a mistake or betrayal sends bad message to the universe.

Would it help to think of it as a human being not as a symbol of something bad and negative. You state her pregnancy had to happen “the way WE planned”. But that’s not hers and your pregnancy, it’s hers and her husband’s. You cannot plan her pregnancy. You could hope for certain outcome. But that’s about it. Something with this line of thinking just isn’t helpful to you.

Is she encouraging this line of thinking? It can’t be good for her pregnancy and unborn child to be viewed in this bad light

I should stop read this thread for my own sanity. Not your fault but this is triggering.

Thanks, Lost. I have to remember that: one day at a time. If there was no timeline, it would be easier. But that's all anyone can do is one day. I think it would also be easier if this wasn't a therapeutic relationship. For one, it complicates things. Two, 2-3hrs a week to process things isn't that much time. Then again, if this was a friend, they probably wouldn't put up with me. *sigh* I'm trying.

I understand this might be triggering to some, but you don't need to post that it is or that you're going to stop reading and/or supporting me. That's hurtful and mean. I'm just honestly processing what I'm going through, what I'm feeling, what I'm experiencing. It's not my goal to trigger anyone. Would you rather me be silent and suffer on my own? Maybe there are others out there struggling with their T's pregnancy, too? Maybe something here might help them? Idk. I'm just trying to get through this. I depend on the support of those who wish to be supportive. And I understand that this might be triggering to some. But no one needs to tell me they're leaving. It's just really hurtful especially during a time I'm struggling and do need support.

I agree I shouldn’t tell you that it’s upsetting for me. Most certainly I am not trying to be hurtful or mean though.

I tried to help you for days, weeks, months . I thought I’ve been supportive in every way possible. I didn’t think it was supportive to tell you that yes she betrayed you and your plans by getting pregnant.

I tried to offer you a different perspective. Maybe trying to look at it differently. Sometimes it helps to look at it from unexpected angle. I thought if you think of this is a baby, you can find joy in it. Buy a gift, knit a blanket, write children’s story, draw a picture. If you look at it as a miserable accident and betrayal of you and your plans and needs, then you continue suffering. There’s no joy in it. Life is too short not to look for joy in things.

I am sorry that it’s not helpful to you or unsupportive. I don’t feel that support only means to say things that encourages OP to continue suffering. I don’t enjoy seeing you suffering. Offering different perspective could be of value. Obviously I failed with this. Sorry.

I hope it all works out. You can do it,

I'm sorry!!! I'm not trying to stay in my suffering. I'm not trying to push away support, even different perspectives. I'm not trying to be bad. I'll just stop.

I don't find it triggering..
But from reading your posts and replies it's obvious you're not going anywhere anytime soon from this toxic dance you are in..so best to let you do what you need to do...

Hugs, Scarlet. I don't think you're trying to stay in your suffering--you're struggling and looking for support.

I hope this doesn't lead you to stop posting here. If someone doesn't want to read your posts, they can just choose to avoid the thread.

Agreed! I have always found your posts helpful and I’ve learned a lot over the years from your openness, Scarlet.
Obviously I don’t like to see you struggling so much, but you deserve support to get through it, whatever way you decide to go about that

Thank you all. It means a lot to me. I really try to improve. But I'm also not going to lie about where I'm at. I don't know how long this is going to take me, but I am trying.

L says that my pain is valid. And she said that she can handle all my emotions even anger, and she won't leave me because of it. She says she loves my anger, rage, and hateful parts. That they protect me and stand up for myself. They cue me/us when there's an injustice. And that my anger loves me. She also said that some people just can't handle all the emotions. It's not that they don't care. It's just their limitations.

I try real hard to be good.

As soon as I walked in, you could now see she's showing. It broke my heart. Now there's no denying it. It's there with us forever reminding me of the pain. I don't want to go back. I don't want to see her. I cried the whole session.

I once again don't remember most of the session. The only part I remember was we were talking about two of my parts being at war with each other. Like in the trenches tossing bombs at each other. I think the two parts were anger and cling. I'm having such a hard time finding a middle ground with the push/pull. But she thinks the two sides will come together over time.

L thinks I'm actually making progress. She says my window of tolerance is actually bigger because I'm able to feel more. She says that actually makes things harder, but I'm able to handle more too.

And just to clarify, I do not believe children are accidents. I do believe in a god and that all children are his will. I also believe that a pregnancy can be an accident. Two different things. I wish no harm to L and the baby. Just like her first. There was a lot of pain with her first too.

Maybe the ineer battle is the knowledge of the love this baby is going to get and you can never go back to that first connection, not with T becuse that time for us had passed..no T in the world will have the same love for clients that they have for their babies, they they can say they've got room for everyone but deep down we know the difference... And that's how it should be but our feelings can't tolerate that.. Our interlect may say it gets it and theres lots of that going on in the room with you and T.. But the feeling part feels abandoned... Facing each session knowing each time you walk in the room... That grief needs to be felt...a hands up moment kinda thing.. An "omg ask the love you're going to give your baby and hehe I am just a client trying to get something,I anything from you to but none if it will match what that baby will receive"...

Yes! That perfectly describes a major aspect of this. I wish she was my mother. I wish she would love me like she loves her children. We have a definition for our love. One is agape. And that's a good and desirable love to have. But I want storge. I have craved for maternal love for as long as I can remember. I've had mother-figures throughout my life. L and I have barely addressed my desires towards her until these pregnancies. I feel jealous of the babies, that there is favoritism and like I'll have to compete. She says I don't need to compete. That my space in her heart is my own. But in my head and heart I know that I cannot compete and that's exactly as it should be. Children, and in this case her children, come first. When being honest with myself, that's what I want too. I'm an adult. My time has passed. And these innocent little ones deserve the chance to be fully loved the way I never got.

Now that she's showing, seeing her was a huge trigger. Now there's no denying it. The fantasy is gone. There's a baby inside her and with us in the room. It triggers the grief instantly. That's why I don't want to go back. I don't want to see her pregnant. I'm tired of feeling grief and loss and pain. Her showing will be a reminder for me for the next 5 months. A reminder of my loss of time with her, my personal loss of motherly love and my loss of having my own child. And it's only going to get worse because she'll only grow more.

A good session with, again, tons of crying. She was crying at one point, too.

We had a good plan going in. She dressed less revealing. I looked at the floor. We gave hugs right away upon entering so that I wasn't looking at her whole body (normally I put my stuff down then walk back to her). We sat down at the same time. We both brought our blankets for the other person to hold and "recharge" them. We held hands the whole time. And we did a lot of breathing and tense and release. I was close to freeze at the beginning, but I didn't. I was even able to maintain eye contact for most of the session. Then we got up at the same time, I looked down, and we hugged. I left looking down.

I know the looking down might seem disrespectful, but she agreed in this case it was protective. I didn't get triggered by seeing her body. Which meant we could concentrate on the other things.

I did tell her I want to find joy before the end of it. She said I will, but first my parts need to be heard.

We did do parts work today: the part of me that wants in-person and the part of me that doesn't. Both parts are trying to protect my hurting parts, but they want different things. My part that doesn't want in-person feels alone against the multiple parts that do want in-person, so it's getting really loud. These parts just want coping to work: for the routines and rituals and skills to work. It's just trying to protect us from all the pain. And the in-person parts just want connection, love, reciprocation, and withness.

She said we should do my timeline again soon, so all of me can be known and heard and understood. And Tuesday's session, we'll work on my hopelessness part.

I so far feel today was helpful. Just having a productive session with no freeze was a positive. But finding what each side needed... It really does quiet the loudness. I feel a little better, more accepting about continuing in-person. And our plan worked to not be triggered, so that's a win, too.

Scarlet, I'm glad the session felt helpful to you. And that you and L are figuring out ways to work together (like hugs while looking down) and let all your parts be heard.

I was going to suggest that virtual could possibly be easier for you with her showing, but I understand how it would be more difficult in other ways. And you need to do what feels right to you, which of course could shift and change. It seems like she's being flexible with things like that. I hope your time with her continues to be helpful.

Thank you so much, LT.

We thought of virtual/phone too if I either couldn't get myself to come in or if I left. Those are still options. Like you said: things could shift and change. And if I want to move forward, I'm going to have to deal with the trigger. She won't be able to hide it forever even if I look at the floor. And I will be able to feel her when we hug as she grows.

I don't want a virtual relationship with my therapist. I don't want that specifically with her. I kind of feel that if I can't do in-person, then I might as well leave. It's all or nothing thinking. It's one of the things I need to work on. It's one reason why we were talking to those parts today. I think I need to do a lot of internal work before I can move forward with L. It just sucks because I need her help to do the work.

Hi Scarlet,

I'm glad you had a tolerable session with L, thanks to all the safeguards you put into place.

'I don't want a virtual relationship with my therapist.'

That really resonates with me.
I'm sorry this is so painful for you, and that your safe place (with L) is threatened in such a specifically triggering way.

If you can soothe the parts of you that need that soothing, I hope you can find the strength to lean into the support that L can provide.

I understand how stressful it is to know that your time with your safe person is limited.
I'm hoping that you can find a way through that works for you...because that is the most important element.

Hugs if wanted,

Lost

So glad your session went well! I totally understand the all or nothing thinking. And I wouldn’t want a virtual relationship either. I think I would prefer a phone call to zoom or telehealth. I just hate virtual

I think from here on out I'll assume I'll have a crying session. I'll be surprised if I don't.

My session with L was again good, but I also barely remember it. We were talking about my griefs, but I don't remember which ones. I remember her telling me a story about how you can feel certain things, but not want to act on them. We talked about how I don't wish harm, but I wish the timing was different. And I realized something today. I realized that even though I can't hold joy right now, I do hold love. That I love all of them. And that actually gives me a little relief from hating myself for not holding joy. I also realized today that the fact I'm still here with her, logically shows that I do have at least a little hope.

I think I should see a neurologist again. L thinks it's emotional, but I'm just worried there's something more wrong with my memory. Like tonight I was shocked it was Sunday. I lost a day and it wasn't because I was bored or didn't do anything. I actually did a lot. Or sometimes I forget what I have done the day before. It's not just sessions I'm forgetting. L thinks it's a part of me trying to protect me. I'm not sure it's a part. If it was, why am I forgetting things that have nothing to do with her or therapy? Yesterday was a good and productive day for me. How did I completely forget it?

Thanks, Lost.

I am worried going forward about not being triggered by her. She's only going to get bigger. I have to come to terms with it and quickly.

Thanks for understanding about safe spaces. It's hard too because I haven't been able to process anything about the room. If I would have known this was going to happen, I would have never agreed to move. Nothing is safe in that space. I think I miss that the most: the safety.

I am trying to lean into L even if it's a little bit. Okay, more than a little bit. Whatever happens, I do actually need her right now. It sucks. Depending on the person who is causing you pain (and yes I know it's not intentional) is complicated and confusing. And I do still love her.