Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 20, 2024 at 09:57 PM

Thanks, Ana.

Yes, I prefer phone over virtual, too. It helps me not be overstimulated by eye contact. Sometimes seeing her is nice, but it is harder. In-person just is so much better. The withness I miss the most. But then again, I don't have to physically see her stomach virtually or by phone... That's the dilemma now. Can I deal with in-person or will I just be triggered? I wish this was like her first pregnancy. I actually enjoyed watching her grow.

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 22, 2024 at 05:48 PM

I don't remember anything about today's session except for talking about scheduling, vacations and leaves; there's good L, bad L, and good and bad L; I was feeling numb; loss of innocence; and something about mother-hunger. I know the topics, but I don't remember the actual point of any of these things.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 22, 2024 at 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I don't remember anything about today's session except for talking about scheduling, vacations and leaves; there's good L, bad L, and good and bad L; I was feeling numb; loss of innocence; and something about mother-hunger. I know the topics, but I don't remember the actual point of any of these things.

I'm sorry you don't remember much of it. Could you maybe ask L to fill in the gaps for you?

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 22, 2024 at 10:20 PM

Yes. Actually, I told her about my memory and she offered.

I asked my doctor for a neurologist referral. L said she thinks it's a good idea. I hope I don't have to wait too long for it and to get seen. I know everyone rushes to see doctors at the end of the year.

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 23, 2024 at 10:30 AM

L helped me. Now I know what happened!

So we were talking about the 3 L's when we realized that if I accept good and bad L, that means I have to grieve the loss of good L, my old L, who I felt safe and protected with. The loss of innocence is about her. Realizing that she can hurt me this bad, make this bad of a mistake (birth control in this case). It's not about putting her on a pedestal, more believing in the good and ignoring the bad. And losing good L translates to losing my fantasy: my fantasy for her to be my mother in reality. I guess the fantasy can still exist, but the picture of her being a perfect mother is tainted now by reality.

unaluna · Oct 23, 2024 at 10:39 AM

Okay, now THIS is what i would call a rupture!

Rupture and repair. There is now a new connection. Like that japanese gold ceramic glue stuff. No longer perfect, but now more nuanced and interesting than before.

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 23, 2024 at 12:40 PM

That is huge, Scarlet.
I'm glad L helped you to recall what you were discussing.

My hope is that you will be able to allow yourself the space to process what this means for you with her support.

ScarletPimpernel · Yesterday at 09:38 AM

Yes, we're continuing the topic in today's session.

We had a hard day yesterday. It was mostly about me being upset that "good L" has to be grieved. Why can't she still be safe and secure? Why was she that way for 4 years, and now she can't be? I don't understand.

LostOnTheTrail · Yesterday at 10:10 AM

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

I can relate to being upset that you have to grieve someone.

unaluna · Yesterday at 10:49 AM

I dont remember when it was in relation to my ruptures, but at some point i started to realize and accept what a horrible person i myself was / am / whatever. I feel more accepting of myself now, but i used to believe i was effing perfect, no joke. I had to forgive myself. Believe i was doing the best i could with the cards i had been dealt. Anyway, saying this acceptance of flaws in myself and t are two lanes of the same road.

ScarletPimpernel · Yesterday at 11:05 AM

Thanks, Lost. I feel for you and for all your griefs of losing people in all the ways you can lose a person. So much respect to you for coping and continuing on even with everything. I can only imagine how hard it is.

ScarletPimpernel · Yesterday at 11:08 AM

Thanks, Luna. Funny you should mention that. L last night was saying that I see myself in black and white, too. That it's hard for me to see the both/and within myself, that I'm sometimes all bad. I guess maybe all good at other times.

unaluna · Yesterday at 11:48 AM

Thanks, scarlet. It was kind of a relief. I felt like i was holding my breath before.

I didnt realize how much i was imitating my mothers emotional coping mechanisms, which pretty much involved dumping my feelings on other people, and being passive aggressive, and emotional eating. Just not taking responsibility for how dam pushy i was. A few people called me out on it, but while it hurt, those incidents werent enough to change me.

ETA - I mean, they did not make a DENT. I was in therapy, but not good therapy!

LonesomeTonight · Yesterday at 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Yes, we're continuing the topic in today's session.

We had a hard day yesterday. It was mostly about me being upset that "good L" has to be grieved. Why can't she still be safe and secure? Why was she that way for 4 years, and now she can't be? I don't understand.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, Scarlet. I'm wondering: Is this similar to something else you've dealt with in life, maybe as a child? Realizing that a parent wasn't safe and secure, for example? So maybe you're reexperiencing that in a way?

And/or thinking that she's the one person for you who is truly safe and accepting, and now she isn't, so you feel a loss of hope? It makes me think of how I felt when ex-MC was rejecting after my love email (been talking about that a bit lately with Dr. T). Where I put all this hope and trust in him. And it also showed me that he wasn't the person I thought he was.

Just wondering if some of that could be going on for your, too. Like "I have lost my chance at safety and security."

ScarletPimpernel · Yesterday at 07:13 PM

I think it could be that, LT. I think I always knew my mother was unsafe, but my dad...

I remember a session with ex-T. We had talked about my mother a lot with no tears ever. But this session she brought up my dad, and I cried. She thought I was faking it.

I have given my dad so many chances. And look at even recently: supporting him for 5 years, and because of my sister, he turns his back on me and accuses me of abuse.

Maybe it's the same with L. Yes, the loss of hope. Similar to the loss of innocence L and I used. It's realizing that she isn't safe, least not completely. It's realizing she can't protect me from everything even from her. And it's realizing that she can't be my perfect mother.

I think I am realizing that I can never find that perfect safety and security in a person. That my desire for a real safe parent will never come true. And it hurts. I truly thought L was different.

I'll be honest, I don't feel ready to give up the fantasy, but I'm being forced to.

ScarletPimpernel · Yesterday at 07:25 PM

I don't remember today’s session.

I talked to my pharmacist about my memory issues and she told me it's probably the Vraylar I'm on. My psychiatrist is going to be pissed at me for wanting to get off another med. I had to get off of Lithium because of side effects, so she put me on this. I also got a referral to a neurologist. There's no reason I should be having this bad of memory issues at 42.

LonesomeTonight · Yesterday at 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I don't remember today’s session.

I talked to my pharmacist about my memory issues and she told me it's probably the Vraylar I'm on. My psychiatrist is going to be pissed at me for wanting to get off another med. I had to get off of Lithium because of side effects, so she put me on this. I also got a referral to a neurologist. There's no reason I should be having this bad of memory issues at 42.

I was actually going to ask if it could be from a medication. I hope if it is that, you can find something else that helps without that side effect.

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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,703 (SuperPoster!) 10 7,161 hugs given	Oct 22, 2024 at 05:48 PM #42 I don't remember anything about today's session except for talking about scheduling, vacations and leaves; there's good L, bad L, and good and bad L; I was feeling numb; loss of innocence; and something about mother-hunger. I know the topics, but I don't remember the actual point of any of these things. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,703 (SuperPoster!) 10 7,161 hugs given	Oct 22, 2024 at 10:20 PM #44 Yes. Actually, I told her about my memory and she offered. I asked my doctor for a neurologist referral. L said she thinks it's a good idea. I hope I don't have to wait too long for it and to get seen. I know everyone rushes to see doctors at the end of the year. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 40,857 (SuperPoster!) 13 68.6k hugs given	Oct 23, 2024 at 10:39 AM #46 Okay, now THIS is what i would call a rupture! Rupture and repair. There is now a new connection. Like that japanese gold ceramic glue stuff. No longer perfect, but now more nuanced and interesting than before.
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,703 (SuperPoster!) 10 7,161 hugs given	Yesterday at 09:38 AM #48 Yes, we're continuing the topic in today's session. We had a hard day yesterday. It was mostly about me being upset that "good L" has to be grieved. Why can't she still be safe and secure? Why was she that way for 4 years, and now she can't be? I don't understand. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,703 (SuperPoster!) 10 7,161 hugs given	Yesterday at 11:05 AM #51 Thanks, Lost. I feel for you and for all your griefs of losing people in all the ways you can lose a person. So much respect to you for coping and continuing on even with everything. I can only imagine how hard it is. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,703 (SuperPoster!) 10 7,161 hugs given	Yesterday at 11:08 AM #52 Thanks, Luna. Funny you should mention that. L last night was saying that I see myself in black and white, too. That it's hard for me to see the both/and within myself, that I'm sometimes all bad. I guess maybe all good at other times. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
	Reply With Quote