Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 20, 2024 at 09:57 PM

Thanks, Ana.

Yes, I prefer phone over virtual, too. It helps me not be overstimulated by eye contact. Sometimes seeing her is nice, but it is harder. In-person just is so much better. The withness I miss the most. But then again, I don't have to physically see her stomach virtually or by phone... That's the dilemma now. Can I deal with in-person or will I just be triggered? I wish this was like her first pregnancy. I actually enjoyed watching her grow.

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 22, 2024 at 05:48 PM

I don't remember anything about today's session except for talking about scheduling, vacations and leaves; there's good L, bad L, and good and bad L; I was feeling numb; loss of innocence; and something about mother-hunger. I know the topics, but I don't remember the actual point of any of these things.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 22, 2024 at 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I don't remember anything about today's session except for talking about scheduling, vacations and leaves; there's good L, bad L, and good and bad L; I was feeling numb; loss of innocence; and something about mother-hunger. I know the topics, but I don't remember the actual point of any of these things.

I'm sorry you don't remember much of it. Could you maybe ask L to fill in the gaps for you?

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 22, 2024 at 10:20 PM

Yes. Actually, I told her about my memory and she offered.

I asked my doctor for a neurologist referral. L said she thinks it's a good idea. I hope I don't have to wait too long for it and to get seen. I know everyone rushes to see doctors at the end of the year.

ScarletPimpernel · Yesterday at 10:30 AM

L helped me. Now I know what happened!

So we were talking about the 3 L's when we realized that if I accept good and bad L, that means I have to grieve the loss of good L, my old L, who I felt safe and protected with. The loss of innocence is about her. Realizing that she can hurt me this bad, make this bad of a mistake (birth control in this case). It's not about putting her on a pedestal, more believing in the good and ignoring the bad. And losing good L translates to losing my fantasy: my fantasy for her to be my mother in reality. I guess the fantasy can still exist, but the picture of her being a perfect mother is tainted now by reality.

unaluna · Yesterday at 10:39 AM

Okay, now THIS is what i would call a rupture!

Rupture and repair. There is now a new connection. Like that japanese gold ceramic glue stuff. No longer perfect, but now more nuanced and interesting than before.

LostOnTheTrail · Yesterday at 12:40 PM

That is huge, Scarlet.
I'm glad L helped you to recall what you were discussing.

My hope is that you will be able to allow yourself the space to process what this means for you with her support.

ScarletPimpernel · Today at 09:38 AM

Yes, we're continuing the topic in today's session.

We had a hard day yesterday. It was mostly about me being upset that "good L" has to be grieved. Why can't she still be safe and secure? Why was she that way for 4 years, and now she can't be? I don't understand.

LostOnTheTrail · Today at 10:10 AM

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

I can relate to being upset that you have to grieve someone.

unaluna · Today at 10:49 AM

I dont remember when it was in relation to my ruptures, but at some point i started to realize and accept what a horrible person i myself was / am / whatever. I feel more accepting of myself now, but i used to believe i was effing perfect, no joke. I had to forgive myself. Believe i was doing the best i could with the cards i had been dealt. Anyway, saying this acceptance of flaws in myself and t are two lanes of the same road.

ScarletPimpernel · Today at 11:05 AM

Thanks, Lost. I feel for you and for all your griefs of losing people in all the ways you can lose a person. So much respect to you for coping and continuing on even with everything. I can only imagine how hard it is.

ScarletPimpernel · Today at 11:08 AM

Thanks, Luna. Funny you should mention that. L last night was saying that I see myself in black and white, too. That it's hard for me to see the both/and within myself, that I'm sometimes all bad. I guess maybe all good at other times.

unaluna · Today at 11:48 AM

Thanks, scarlet. It was kind of a relief. I felt like i was holding my breath before.

I didnt realize how much i was imitating my mothers emotional coping mechanisms, which pretty much involved dumping my feelings on other people, and being passive aggressive, and emotional eating. Just not taking responsibility for how dam pushy i was. A few people called me out on it, but while it hurt, those incidents werent enough to change me.

ETA - I mean, they did not make a DENT. I was in therapy, but not good therapy!

LonesomeTonight · Today at 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Yes, we're continuing the topic in today's session.

We had a hard day yesterday. It was mostly about me being upset that "good L" has to be grieved. Why can't she still be safe and secure? Why was she that way for 4 years, and now she can't be? I don't understand.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, Scarlet. I'm wondering: Is this similar to something else you've dealt with in life, maybe as a child? Realizing that a parent wasn't safe and secure, for example? So maybe you're reexperiencing that in a way?

And/or thinking that she's the one person for you who is truly safe and accepting, and now she isn't, so you feel a loss of hope? It makes me think of how I felt when ex-MC was rejecting after my love email (been talking about that a bit lately with Dr. T). Where I put all this hope and trust in him. And it also showed me that he wasn't the person I thought he was.

Just wondering if some of that could be going on for your, too. Like "I have lost my chance at safety and security."

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Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,701 (SuperPoster!) 10 7,158 hugs given	Oct 22, 2024 at 05:48 PM #42 I don't remember anything about today's session except for talking about scheduling, vacations and leaves; there's good L, bad L, and good and bad L; I was feeling numb; loss of innocence; and something about mother-hunger. I know the topics, but I don't remember the actual point of any of these things. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,701 (SuperPoster!) 10 7,158 hugs given	Oct 22, 2024 at 10:20 PM #44 Yes. Actually, I told her about my memory and she offered. I asked my doctor for a neurologist referral. L said she thinks it's a good idea. I hope I don't have to wait too long for it and to get seen. I know everyone rushes to see doctors at the end of the year. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 40,852 (SuperPoster!) 13 68.6k hugs given	Yesterday at 10:39 AM #46 Okay, now THIS is what i would call a rupture! Rupture and repair. There is now a new connection. Like that japanese gold ceramic glue stuff. No longer perfect, but now more nuanced and interesting than before.
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,701 (SuperPoster!) 10 7,158 hugs given	Today at 09:38 AM #48 Yes, we're continuing the topic in today's session. We had a hard day yesterday. It was mostly about me being upset that "good L" has to be grieved. Why can't she still be safe and secure? Why was she that way for 4 years, and now she can't be? I don't understand. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
	Reply With Quote

ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,701 (SuperPoster!) 10 7,158 hugs given	Today at 11:05 AM #51 Thanks, Lost. I feel for you and for all your griefs of losing people in all the ways you can lose a person. So much respect to you for coping and continuing on even with everything. I can only imagine how hard it is. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,701 (SuperPoster!) 10 7,158 hugs given	Today at 11:08 AM #52 Thanks, Luna. Funny you should mention that. L last night was saying that I see myself in black and white, too. That it's hard for me to see the both/and within myself, that I'm sometimes all bad. I guess maybe all good at other times. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
	Reply With Quote