Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

Thanks, LT.
No, you're not repeating yourself. L mentioned something like that a few weeks ago. But she applied it to T. I told L I was talking to T on the phone when one of her kids came in. She quickly handled it, so it wasn't like an issue. But L made the point that for that hour, I had her attention, not anyone else. Not even her children. And that did make me feel important.

I like the ting blob analogy? It is helpful to remember that that time is ours, not anyone else's. I also try to remember that not everyone in her life gets that dedicated time just with her. That most only get a little time here and there and usually they'll have to share that time with someone else. Though I still wish for more time.

L also texted me right now about how we are real. You two are in sync it seems.

Today started with me being upset that she didn't check-in with me this morning after a bad night last night. We talked about my grief of not being able to have children and why I don't believe she can help me when she can help me with other things she can't relate to (like my dad). We also talked about my SI and hopelessness and why hope is scary (invalidates and dismisses my pain). And we talked about things I need: connection to people outside myself, connection within myself, and connection to the "spiritual" (not religious, but like beauty in life).

I had a complete breakdown today in session. Like sobbing with tears and snot. So embarrassing. I don't know what triggered me, but it was about my infertility. I got her crying too. After some time, she somehow transitioned us to some topics we needed to talk about. One was getting acquainted with the room little by little. Because of everything going on, I have no clue of my surroundings. I never got the chance. We also talked about "power". She didn't say exactly how I can end her career, but that all our emails are evidence against her. I've decided I'm not going to ask specifics. I don't want to know. I don't want power over her or her career. We also talked about grieving "good L". She said I don't have to, that she's the same L I've always known. But now I know how deeply she can hurt me, and that is the loss of innocence. It's never been about putting her on a pedestal. I've just always put myself lower than her. But now we are equals. Now I'm not all bad and she's not all good. We ended with safety planning for between sessions. We've been doing it for awhile and it helps a lot.

I'm sorry, Scarlet.

Although L is the same person, there has been another significant shift in your relationship.

That is something you need to grieve.
'Now I know how deeply she can hurt me...and that is the loss of innocence.'

Ooof...that's true.

I'm glad the safety planning is helpful.

Hugs,

Lost

Thanks, Lost.

I just wanted one person to be my safety from this world. But that was foolish of me. Like T said: we're all messy people just trying our best in this life.

I think I need to soften myself to L some. Give her more grace. Not necessarily forgiveness, but more acceptance. I wouldn't want to be judged for my mistakes (her birth control method). Especially since I know why she did it even though she totally f'ed it up. I know she is trying. And I know she's not going to leave me. She's committed to me. I wish I could commit to her again. But I'm just not there.

This situation is just so hard. But we're both showing up. That's got to count for something.