Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

Thanks, Lost. I feel for you and for all your griefs of losing people in all the ways you can lose a person. So much respect to you for coping and continuing on even with everything. I can only imagine how hard it is.

Thanks, Luna. Funny you should mention that. L last night was saying that I see myself in black and white, too. That it's hard for me to see the both/and within myself, that I'm sometimes all bad. I guess maybe all good at other times.

Thanks, scarlet. It was kind of a relief. I felt like i was holding my breath before.

I didnt realize how much i was imitating my mothers emotional coping mechanisms, which pretty much involved dumping my feelings on other people, and being passive aggressive, and emotional eating. Just not taking responsibility for how dam pushy i was. A few people called me out on it, but while it hurt, those incidents werent enough to change me.

ETA - I mean, they did not make a DENT. I was in therapy, but not good therapy!

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, Scarlet. I'm wondering: Is this similar to something else you've dealt with in life, maybe as a child? Realizing that a parent wasn't safe and secure, for example? So maybe you're reexperiencing that in a way?

And/or thinking that she's the one person for you who is truly safe and accepting, and now she isn't, so you feel a loss of hope? It makes me think of how I felt when ex-MC was rejecting after my love email (been talking about that a bit lately with Dr. T). Where I put all this hope and trust in him. And it also showed me that he wasn't the person I thought he was.

Just wondering if some of that could be going on for your, too. Like "I have lost my chance at safety and security."

I think it could be that, LT. I think I always knew my mother was unsafe, but my dad...

I remember a session with ex-T. We had talked about my mother a lot with no tears ever. But this session she brought up my dad, and I cried. She thought I was faking it.

I have given my dad so many chances. And look at even recently: supporting him for 5 years, and because of my sister, he turns his back on me and accuses me of abuse.

Maybe it's the same with L. Yes, the loss of hope. Similar to the loss of innocence L and I used. It's realizing that she isn't safe, least not completely. It's realizing she can't protect me from everything even from her. And it's realizing that she can't be my perfect mother.

I think I am realizing that I can never find that perfect safety and security in a person. That my desire for a real safe parent will never come true. And it hurts. I truly thought L was different.

I'll be honest, I don't feel ready to give up the fantasy, but I'm being forced to.

I don't remember today’s session.

I talked to my pharmacist about my memory issues and she told me it's probably the Vraylar I'm on. My psychiatrist is going to be pissed at me for wanting to get off another med. I had to get off of Lithium because of side effects, so she put me on this. I also got a referral to a neurologist. There's no reason I should be having this bad of memory issues at 42.

I was actually going to ask if it could be from a medication. I hope if it is that, you can find something else that helps without that side effect.

Pdoc is going to try to tapper me off Vraylar if the insurance will approve the lower dose. She is increasing my Seroquel though and high doses are known for weight gain. I can't win.

Talked to L on the phone today. There were two things going on. 1. When I asked her for an apology, she seemed to blame everything on my issues. She said my pain is not my fault and is not bad. She said she was being sorry for triggering my issues. 2. I asked her to reconsider a boundary she has with all her clients. It's technically not a big thing if she keeps her boundary. I'll be a little upset, but it's not going to cause a rupture or anything. But it upset me because 1. She doesn't have this boundary with strangers/new people and 2. She lumps me into the "client" category. I know I'm a client, but I want to be treated as a human and as myself. Like a small example is kleenex. Therapists are taught not to hand tissues to clients because they believe it means to the client that they shouldn't cry. I explained to L that giving me kleenex is a signal to keep crying and it's a kind gesture. Little things like that mean a lot to me. And I know she has changed her boundaries for me before, too. She also explained to me that being her client is a good thing. She is mine and I am hers. We would have never met in any other context. And this frame allows us to have a deep bond and do this kind of work. She is right about those things. She would never be a part of my life if we met differently.

This type of relationship is just hard to comprehend sometimes. You're a client, but you're special. You pay someone to listen to you, but they love you, too. There are weird boundaries sometimes, but other ways they are loose. This relationship can't exist in the real world. No friend would put up with this much of your bs. Yet somehow that hour can mean the world to you. It's just confusing.

Hugs, Scarlet. I also struggle with the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship.

I forget whether I posted about this at all, so if I did, sorry for the repeat. But something that I talked about with Dr. T recently is I was saying how I hate that I'm just this tiny blob in his life. And he said that when I'm in session with him, that I'm a big blob. How even his wife and son are just tiny blobs at that time. Like, basically, I'm the only person he's focused on and thinking about for those 50 minutes.

The therapeutic relationship is very confusing though. For many of the reasons you mention. But that doesn't mean it's not valuable or that it's not real.

Thanks, LT.
No, you're not repeating yourself. L mentioned something like that a few weeks ago. But she applied it to T. I told L I was talking to T on the phone when one of her kids came in. She quickly handled it, so it wasn't like an issue. But L made the point that for that hour, I had her attention, not anyone else. Not even her children. And that did make me feel important.

I like the ting blob analogy? It is helpful to remember that that time is ours, not anyone else's. I also try to remember that not everyone in her life gets that dedicated time just with her. That most only get a little time here and there and usually they'll have to share that time with someone else. Though I still wish for more time.

L also texted me right now about how we are real. You two are in sync it seems.

Today started with me being upset that she didn't check-in with me this morning after a bad night last night. We talked about my grief of not being able to have children and why I don't believe she can help me when she can help me with other things she can't relate to (like my dad). We also talked about my SI and hopelessness and why hope is scary (invalidates and dismisses my pain). And we talked about things I need: connection to people outside myself, connection within myself, and connection to the "spiritual" (not religious, but like beauty in life).

I had a complete breakdown today in session. Like sobbing with tears and snot. So embarrassing. I don't know what triggered me, but it was about my infertility. I got her crying too. After some time, she somehow transitioned us to some topics we needed to talk about. One was getting acquainted with the room little by little. Because of everything going on, I have no clue of my surroundings. I never got the chance. We also talked about "power". She didn't say exactly how I can end her career, but that all our emails are evidence against her. I've decided I'm not going to ask specifics. I don't want to know. I don't want power over her or her career. We also talked about grieving "good L". She said I don't have to, that she's the same L I've always known. But now I know how deeply she can hurt me, and that is the loss of innocence. It's never been about putting her on a pedestal. I've just always put myself lower than her. But now we are equals. Now I'm not all bad and she's not all good. We ended with safety planning for between sessions. We've been doing it for awhile and it helps a lot.

I'm sorry, Scarlet.

Although L is the same person, there has been another significant shift in your relationship.

That is something you need to grieve.
'Now I know how deeply she can hurt me...and that is the loss of innocence.'

Ooof...that's true.

I'm glad the safety planning is helpful.

Hugs,

Lost

Thanks, Lost.

I just wanted one person to be my safety from this world. But that was foolish of me. Like T said: we're all messy people just trying our best in this life.

I think I need to soften myself to L some. Give her more grace. Not necessarily forgiveness, but more acceptance. I wouldn't want to be judged for my mistakes (her birth control method). Especially since I know why she did it even though she totally f'ed it up. I know she is trying. And I know she's not going to leave me. She's committed to me. I wish I could commit to her again. But I'm just not there.

This situation is just so hard. But we're both showing up. That's got to count for something.

And we went backwards again. Back to the beginning. The betrayal. She says it's like the grief cycle: not linear. She said it's like a ribbon. I said it's like getting lost and doing a circle in the desert. She said that even though we're back at the beginning, we now have more experience and more knowledge about how to move forward. She told me this is all a good thing because I'm just processing at a deeper level.

I have session today. I don't want to go.

Hey Scarlet,

I'm so sorry she doesn't understand how this is affecting you.
I feel like understanding the logic of something and the emotional impact of it are two very different things.

'Doing a circle in the desert' really resonates with me.

I hope you will be gentle with yourself, whatever you decide.

Hugs,

Lost

I did go to session yesterday. I have never missed a session without good reason (e.g. surgery, sickness). There were three pains we talked about. First one she labeled "over and over again" pain. It's about how she will continually get pregnant over and over again because she's not choosing effective methods. She said she will do it differently this next time. I actually forgot the other two even though she repeated it for me like 3 times. We talked about why she couldn't have just told me that she couldn't predict her family situation when she decided to use less effective birth control. I wouldn't have needed or wanted to know why. And I wouldn't have felt betrayed having this sprung upon me. I wouldn't have liked it, but at least I'd be prepared. She told me going forward, she will include me/tell me more about her choices. Not because I'm nosey or think I deserve it, but because it gives me information to make decisions of my own.

No session today, but there will be a phone call tonight. Things went from bad to worse. We were emailing about "Why even use less effective birth control if you didn't care if you get pregnant or not? If you knew your chances were high enough?" and feeling betrayed and lied to.

Now I remember: Tuesday's session was about why she didn't tell me that her family planning had changed.

Lost, I'm not even sure she understands the logic let alone the emotions. She keeps referring to it as perceived and not facts. Well, she doesn't say the word perceived. She says "I can see it from your perspective"... Same thing. I told her that's an insult and dismissive. That it's like when people say "perceived abandonment" not acknowledging that it was an actual abandonment. She does not see it from my perspective otherwise she'd understand and own it. And she is not owning it. She says she needs to understand first... Doesn't that mean that she can't see it from my perspective??? Even if she disagrees, she doesn't understand.

I'm so tired of this ****. I just want my old L back.

She said that she doesn't mean that perspective equals all in my head. That it's more like we each have puzzle pieces and we're putting them together to understand the whole picture. She has already gotten to lay put a lot of hers. Mine are more like evolving, trying to put words to it.

I'm so depressed. She didn't say goodnight to me. I so rarely talk to her at night, and she didn't do it.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

Damn therapists and their 'jigsaw puzzles'.
It is excruciating when we feel the lack of understanding so acutely.

I'm confused by her distinction between 'seeing it from your perspective' and being able to understand.

I think you're right - if she could genuinely see your perspective, she would be able to understand.

Hugs,

Lost

Scarlett,

I say this with such kindness- as I was in your shoes with my ex-T and went through similar turmoil. I adored her. She was my safe place. She was incredibly, incredibly important to me. She did a few terrible things to hurt me, what were terrible betrayals to me, terrible mistakes in our relationship. She could never properly own them, never properly apologize. It broke my heart. I spent a few years trying to process them with her. Of course, while doing that, I was having sessions paying her for that processing and not working on my own self. What ended up happening was that I wasted precious years of my own life that I can’t get back focusing on her life and making her more important than me. I hate to see you doing the same thing, making that same mistake. I regret it so profoundly now. I’m not going to say it’s the same as it was with my ex-T, but in my case, all my time and energy and work (so much of it!!!) was truly a waste. I would have been so much better off focusing on my self, remembering that we are each the stars of our own story.

I say this with care and kindness. I hear your pain. I understand it as I was there, and it was unbearably painful. For me, it all came from severe trauma and a T who was not knowledgeable enough and a bit uncaring. I’m praying this all gets worked out for you in a way where you feel safe and okay again with L. I know how desperately you need that to happen. Sending you big hugs.

Goatee,
Thank you so much for sharing. It really means a lot to hear your experience and it really resonates with me.

How did you do it? What was the final deciding factor?

I totally relate to your story. I do adore L. So much so. And I truly believe she lied to me (even if unintentional) and that she betrayed me. If she just would have warned me, just tell me that she couldn't tell me when she'd start trying, things would be so different. She says she is understanding, but yet won't own and therefore won't apologize for those things. I'm not sure how long I can wait for her to own them. She did acknowledge that it's taking her time and that itself is affecting me.

It's like my mind is understanding that this isn't working between L and I. But my heart is so committed to her. Addicted. Even today, she pulled me back in.

I am sacrificing my therapy, my time, energy, emotions and even money on her stuff. She says it will all be put to use, to help me with interpersonal traumas. That my pain won't go to waste. But how much time is this going to take. What if we spend years on this only to realize she'll never understand and own her part? I kind of felt insulted because the day she told me about her pregnancy, she said that she wasn't going to charge me for the session. Like seriously??? I shouldn't have to pay for any of these sessions except the ones that are about me (e.g. my infertility).

I wish I could make a final decision: stay or leave. My H today, who has been wanting me to leave, told me to work things out with her... I know I've gotten a lot of advice to leave. Some think I should work things out. I was ready to leave today. But she pulled me back in.

It's not easy to up and leave someone you love. I ask her all the time to leave me and don't contact me. She always reaches out. She says she'll always be there. It is so enticing to have someone offer to never leave you when you've experienced so much abandonment. Sometimes, I wish she would abandon me just like ex-T did. She would be doing me a favor, making a clear choice for me.

Today was miserable. The first 15mins of session was silence. Well, me being silent. She talked the whole time. She finally broke my silence by making me cry. Then the sweet invitation she said to hold hands... The only thing I know is that in the end she agreed to do a repeat of last night, but this time with a goodnight.

She was also saying how she's noticing that I'm not communicating directly with her and not asking for what I need. So instead of setting up a session for the weekend (which we've basically have had throughout this pregnancy), she wants me to ask for it if I need it. My mind, I'm screwed already. I told her my fear about not having anything, but still I'm supposed to ask. I don't know why I'm struggling with direct communication and expressing needs. It's only been since this all happened. Anyone have insight? Like she wants me to say "I need help" instead of "Go away". Or "I need care" instead of "You don't care about me". Or if I need a phone call, ask for a phone call. And if I need a session, ask for a session. Also to ask if I want a goodnight. I choose to suffer instead. I guess it is all my fault. Because then she doesn't understand what happened. But I feel so stuck in communicating with her. I know I have a huge fear of "no" even though she says she'll say yes every time she can. That doesn't make me feel better for some reason. I don't know what is going on with me!

I got my goodnight. And I got my session this weekend. I realized that today was my last Thursday with her. We'll now be Tuesday and Friday. So it will be easier to get through the weekend.