Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

Thanks, LT.
No, you're not repeating yourself. L mentioned something like that a few weeks ago. But she applied it to T. I told L I was talking to T on the phone when one of her kids came in. She quickly handled it, so it wasn't like an issue. But L made the point that for that hour, I had her attention, not anyone else. Not even her children. And that did make me feel important.

I like the ting blob analogy? It is helpful to remember that that time is ours, not anyone else's. I also try to remember that not everyone in her life gets that dedicated time just with her. That most only get a little time here and there and usually they'll have to share that time with someone else. Though I still wish for more time.

L also texted me right now about how we are real. You two are in sync it seems.

Today started with me being upset that she didn't check-in with me this morning after a bad night last night. We talked about my grief of not being able to have children and why I don't believe she can help me when she can help me with other things she can't relate to (like my dad). We also talked about my SI and hopelessness and why hope is scary (invalidates and dismisses my pain). And we talked about things I need: connection to people outside myself, connection within myself, and connection to the "spiritual" (not religious, but like beauty in life).

I had a complete breakdown today in session. Like sobbing with tears and snot. So embarrassing. I don't know what triggered me, but it was about my infertility. I got her crying too. After some time, she somehow transitioned us to some topics we needed to talk about. One was getting acquainted with the room little by little. Because of everything going on, I have no clue of my surroundings. I never got the chance. We also talked about "power". She didn't say exactly how I can end her career, but that all our emails are evidence against her. I've decided I'm not going to ask specifics. I don't want to know. I don't want power over her or her career. We also talked about grieving "good L". She said I don't have to, that she's the same L I've always known. But now I know how deeply she can hurt me, and that is the loss of innocence. It's never been about putting her on a pedestal. I've just always put myself lower than her. But now we are equals. Now I'm not all bad and she's not all good. We ended with safety planning for between sessions. We've been doing it for awhile and it helps a lot.

I'm sorry, Scarlet.

Although L is the same person, there has been another significant shift in your relationship.

That is something you need to grieve.
'Now I know how deeply she can hurt me...and that is the loss of innocence.'

Ooof...that's true.

I'm glad the safety planning is helpful.

Hugs,

Lost

Thanks, Lost.

I just wanted one person to be my safety from this world. But that was foolish of me. Like T said: we're all messy people just trying our best in this life.

I think I need to soften myself to L some. Give her more grace. Not necessarily forgiveness, but more acceptance. I wouldn't want to be judged for my mistakes (her birth control method). Especially since I know why she did it even though she totally f'ed it up. I know she is trying. And I know she's not going to leave me. She's committed to me. I wish I could commit to her again. But I'm just not there.

This situation is just so hard. But we're both showing up. That's got to count for something.

And we went backwards again. Back to the beginning. The betrayal. She says it's like the grief cycle: not linear. She said it's like a ribbon. I said it's like getting lost and doing a circle in the desert. She said that even though we're back at the beginning, we now have more experience and more knowledge about how to move forward. She told me this is all a good thing because I'm just processing at a deeper level.

I have session today. I don't want to go.

Hey Scarlet,

I'm so sorry she doesn't understand how this is affecting you.
I feel like understanding the logic of something and the emotional impact of it are two very different things.

'Doing a circle in the desert' really resonates with me.

I hope you will be gentle with yourself, whatever you decide.

Hugs,

Lost

I did go to session yesterday. I have never missed a session without good reason (e.g. surgery, sickness). There were three pains we talked about. First one she labeled "over and over again" pain. It's about how she will continually get pregnant over and over again because she's not choosing effective methods. She said she will do it differently this next time. I actually forgot the other two even though she repeated it for me like 3 times. We talked about why she couldn't have just told me that she couldn't predict her family situation when she decided to use less effective birth control. I wouldn't have needed or wanted to know why. And I wouldn't have felt betrayed having this sprung upon me. I wouldn't have liked it, but at least I'd be prepared. She told me going forward, she will include me/tell me more about her choices. Not because I'm nosey or think I deserve it, but because it gives me information to make decisions of my own.

No session today, but there will be a phone call tonight. Things went from bad to worse. We were emailing about "Why even use less effective birth control if you didn't care if you get pregnant or not? If you knew your chances were high enough?" and feeling betrayed and lied to.

Now I remember: Tuesday's session was about why she didn't tell me that her family planning had changed.

Lost, I'm not even sure she understands the logic let alone the emotions. She keeps referring to it as perceived and not facts. Well, she doesn't say the word perceived. She says "I can see it from your perspective"... Same thing. I told her that's an insult and dismissive. That it's like when people say "perceived abandonment" not acknowledging that it was an actual abandonment. She does not see it from my perspective otherwise she'd understand and own it. And she is not owning it. She says she needs to understand first... Doesn't that mean that she can't see it from my perspective??? Even if she disagrees, she doesn't understand.

I'm so tired of this ****. I just want my old L back.

She said that she doesn't mean that perspective equals all in my head. That it's more like we each have puzzle pieces and we're putting them together to understand the whole picture. She has already gotten to lay put a lot of hers. Mine are more like evolving, trying to put words to it.

I'm so depressed. She didn't say goodnight to me. I so rarely talk to her at night, and she didn't do it.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

Damn therapists and their 'jigsaw puzzles'.
It is excruciating when we feel the lack of understanding so acutely.

I'm confused by her distinction between 'seeing it from your perspective' and being able to understand.

I think you're right - if she could genuinely see your perspective, she would be able to understand.

Hugs,

Lost

Scarlett,

I say this with such kindness- as I was in your shoes with my ex-T and went through similar turmoil. I adored her. She was my safe place. She was incredibly, incredibly important to me. She did a few terrible things to hurt me, what were terrible betrayals to me, terrible mistakes in our relationship. She could never properly own them, never properly apologize. It broke my heart. I spent a few years trying to process them with her. Of course, while doing that, I was having sessions paying her for that processing and not working on my own self. What ended up happening was that I wasted precious years of my own life that I can’t get back focusing on her life and making her more important than me. I hate to see you doing the same thing, making that same mistake. I regret it so profoundly now. I’m not going to say it’s the same as it was with my ex-T, but in my case, all my time and energy and work (so much of it!!!) was truly a waste. I would have been so much better off focusing on my self, remembering that we are each the stars of our own story.

I say this with care and kindness. I hear your pain. I understand it as I was there, and it was unbearably painful. For me, it all came from severe trauma and a T who was not knowledgeable enough and a bit uncaring. I’m praying this all gets worked out for you in a way where you feel safe and okay again with L. I know how desperately you need that to happen. Sending you big hugs.