When T looks rough

I love my T and connect with her in ways I do not with other Ts. She is everything on this journey I am on
When I went for my session this week the first thing I noticed was how tired she looked. Dark under eye circles, pale, her voice was quiet and her lips looked white. She is usually well put together. She also usually tells me when she is not at her best because she knows that I notice. I usually notice her energy but have never seen it in her face. She didn’t say anything. I was really put off because I felt guilty for being there.
I didn’t want to say anything because what if she just skipped the makeup for once? I’m sure most of us have had the experience of doing that and then being told we look sick. Either way I didn’t want to insult or embarrass her. She yawned a couple of times too.

I found it really hard to open up. I actually wanted to run as I get triggered when the person who is supposed to be able for me seems to not be able for me. I think it goes back to my mother and her constantly exposing me to her struggles, she could have protected me from most of it but she didn’t because she needed the emotional support. I think I got the message that there was no room for my stuff, even though I was going through and really needed an adult to protect me.
I hate how selfish I feel for getting scared that T wasn’t / isn’t able for me when she is obviously having a hard time herself. Or that I even turned up expecting her to be.

It actually turned into a good session. I tiptoed through the first half but she responded well and seemed to get more energised the more we talked and explored the topic I had prepared. She was practically normal by the end of it. But now I feel guilty about what it may have cost her to still show up for me

I know it’s not my job to look after her etc. I know all that. But feelings are feelings and I don’t know what to do with these and I’m not prepared to bring it up to her as I don’t want to tell her she looked like she hadn’t slept in a week or have her feel like she has to explain anything to me. Especially since she usually tells me when she is a bit off so that I don’t take it personally and she didn’t this time
I just want her to be ok for her own sake and so I don’t have to feel guilty for showing up

You can simply say that: "You seemed off the other day. I hope you're okay". That doesn't sound bad. Just caring amd concerned.

I know it's scary when your T doesn't have it all together. Oye, with L. Maybe she didn't tell you anything because she didn't know? Like let's say she had a bad night, but put herself together and felt okay. Maybe you could see evidence of the bad night, but she didn't. Could it be something like that?

Yes maybe, thanks Scarlet. I know it probably wont even be something I even remember in a week. It’s just so damn triggering at the time.

This reminds me of some things with my T during his issues. I have been pretty open with him about how it affects me and what I've mostly remembered is: if he's there, he's there because he really can be and enjoys it. It actually gave him some relief to work instead of thinking about his own suff.

Whether or not you bring it up, I place my bet on her being helped by talking to you, rather than he feeling like you "took up space" or something.

First, you don't need to disclose any of this, but if you're in the U.S. and the appointment was Wednesday, maybe she was up late watching election results? (My H and I both were, and my T looked a bit rough that day, too--we talked about the election quite a bit.) And perhaps she overslept and didn't have a chance to apply makeup. Just thinking of something that wouldn't really involve her own well-being. Or she may have slept poorly for other reasons, perhaps something fairly benign in the big picture, like heartburn.

This has happened to me before. With my current T, there was a time maybe 2 years ago when he had to switch to virtual at the last minute with no explanation (he said it wasn't Covid-related), and he just looked sad to me.

I didn't mention it at the time, but I ended up emailing him about it, saying I hoped he and his family were OK, as he looked sad. He didn't respond to the email (well, he did confirm receipt when I asked him later, hours after the window when he normally responds). He told me he was a bit confused about what I was asking, or something like that. But he's also someone who doesn't like sharing personal stuff unless it's on his terms (like if I ask him, he might not say, but he might volunteer something on his own).

With ex-T, there was one time when she just seemed really sad. At the time, I said to her, "You seem sad," and she said, "It's been a sad day." She didn't elaborate, but I assumed something personal was going on. It helped to hear that it wasn't just in my head.

That was already long, so adding this in a separate post: There was also a time when my T was pretty sick with a respiratory illness a few years ago when we were meeting virtually. We still met, as he'd just returned from vacation. Even though he was open about it, I still found it jarring to see him sick, as he's generally very healthy. It made him seem vulnerable.

I think there was paternal transference going on for me there. Like, fear of my caregiver being sick and unable to take care of me (my mom had cancer when I was a preteen, though she ended up being OK, so it may have triggered stuff about that).

So maybe some of it was something like that for you, too? Seeing her being vulnerable and less pulled together?

Thank you CNS and LT. It always helps to hear from others on here!
LT, no we are in Europe so I don’t think it could have been that. But it is not unlikely that she slept badly for whatever reason and didn’t get up in time to do makeup etc but still felt able to work.
Usually if I’m slow to open up she will say something like ‘can you tell I’m a bit off today ‘ and I’ll say ‘yep’ and we won’t take on any big topics. She didn’t do that this time when I was hesitant and she genuinely responded well to everything so I will have to just trust that all was ok