Couch 251: The Matrix Recovered

I'm really sorry, Scarlet. Would he still get any benefits if he became a contractor? And I assume his pay would change, too. Could it be worth becoming a contractor for now while he looks for a new job?

Scarlet, hugs... that sucks. Though some income sounds better than none for the moment? Hard to say from here of course...

LT, I'll just throw something out that my (hopefully soon ex-partner) says all the time and I still struggle with (he has Asperger's and from my impression it's pretty severe): if he'd say "why are you here" when I am in a room, he'd probably want to me to take it literally. I.e. why am I currently here, is there something that needs to be done? Not in a mean way at all, just what's going on kind of. Your D might also perceive some part of the house as "her hangout room" and then when you are there and there is no reason, maybe she wonders? I really, really struggle with just taking things literally when he says them, but most often, whatever he says is translated very literally to the situation and does not have any ill-intend at all. Of course I don't know whether it's the same for her.

As for myself right now, I continue to enjoy working with teenagers so much, especially teaching physics. They come up and ask things related to such fundamental aspects of how our world works and are surprised by the smallest things. It's so refreshing. The job has really lifted my experience of life. I enjoy telling people about random stuff in physics, and most often, people like hearing about it.

Even if the syllable count slipped this time, your poetic touch is still very much there. It's a gentle reminder that even the best can misstep. Keep writing; the words will find their way.

It’s significant that Dr. T’s new office now feels familiar and safe to you. That speaks to your adaptability and the strength of the therapeutic relationship you’ve built with him, even through change. Feeling secure in that space means you've allowed yourself to find grounding despite all the disruption, which is a powerful step.

Starting sessions with K sounds like a hopeful new chapter. You’re doing hard and meaningful work by acknowledging and addressing the challenges with D. It’s courageous to open up and seek support. K’s offer to work with you individually shows care for the nuances of your family’s situation, and it’s good that H is also engaged in this process, too.

I hope that these sessions bring a sense of understanding and direction. Remember to be gentle with yourself. You’re taking proactive steps, and that alone is a sign of deep commitment to the well-being of your family.

Take things one step at a time.

That sounds so fulfilling! It must be incredible to witness those moments of surprise and discovery firsthand. Sharing your passion for physics in ways that others find engaging is a gift, and it’s clear that your work brings light into your life and likely into the lives of those around you, too.

Over the past few days I've been looking at Physics A-level exam question papers. I always liked Physics as a teenager, but didn't take it higher.

Instead of more therapy I want to start learning maths again and I've signed up for 1:1 acting classes with someone whose been in a Netflix show and a few Russian plays. Just looking for a hand hold and a maths tutor to go through it with me again right from the start. The goal even if it takes a few years would be to take the maths A-level exam even though I don't technically need to.

Edit: I just booked a lesson with a PhD student who had a nice intro video . "I'm an aspiring physicist with a background in engineering (BSc and MSc, plus completed PhD coursework and was on the PhD Thesis stage, all in the field of engineering".

Thanks, Cake.

Needed that.
Work felt strange today in light of everything that's been happening.

It will be a date!

I also avoid doctors as much as possible for myself . I haven't been to my NHS GP in around 8 years. My brother is also a doctor working in oncology at the moment, but I don't obviously avoid him..

Do you have a date to see R next?

Thanks Cake,

We have a session on Thursday, and plenty to talk about.
The work stuff is the least of it, which is why I've put it in an email.

I feel like I'd be better off if I could figure out how to express anger in the right direction, safely...

There are layers of anger, though.

ugh ugh ugh. I need to vent. just got out of a team meeting (on lunch now) where we were advised that our email team is for sure being dissolved next month and we're all being forced into live chat. They had said that before and then changed it. But now they are back to saying basically "it's going to happen get over it". That means new shift bid, so we'll be getting the crappy schedules, and we'll be highly monitored and controlled by workforce as far as breaks and lunches and no flexibility as far as breaks, lunch, or hours. If you have a dr appt, tough **** if there's no vacation available. This sucks. I'm too old and too close to retiring (2.5 years) to try to find a new job and start over someplace else. I don't know what to do. If I start trying to find another job now, or just wait and see how it goes, I am not a happy camper today. When I had to do chat in the past I was not good at it, it stressed me out no end, my shoulders would be up around my ears by the end of the day dealing with pissed off people and having to do 2 chats at once and having to adhere to response times, etc. I don't want to do this. Agh.

vent/rant over.

Yuck...

I'm so sorry, Artie.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this—it sounds incredibly frustrating and stressful. The sudden shift to live chat, especially when you’ve had tough experiences with it in the past, is understandably overwhelming. The lack of flexibility and increased monitoring add to the sense of being trapped in a job environment that feels far from ideal, especially with retirement in sight.

It’s perfectly valid to feel upset about the loss of control and the added stress this change is likely to bring. Navigating such uncertainty so close to the finish line of your career can feel unfair. Taking some time to breathe and consider your options, whether that’s waiting to see how things go or exploring alternatives if you feel it’s worth it, might help. For now, venting is a completely normal and necessary response—this is a big and unsettling change. You deserve space to process it.

Would you be eligible for government benefits, if you were not working to bridge the gap until you did retire officially?

In your session, it might help to talk through those layers and explore where your anger is truly rooted. You’re already showing self-awareness by recognizing the need to process this constructively. It’s perfectly okay to take it slow.

hugs to all who need/want. i'm too agitated to sit still right now and read. going for a walk.

I'm feeling really triggered after today's session with my prescriber. I really want to talk to P right now. I'm feeling upset because he's been the person who helps me hold my trauma, if that makes sense, and I'm about to lose that. I don't want to feel adrift when he's gone.

So sorry, NP.

Once you've had a relationship like that and it's threatened or you know it's gong to end...that's a really hard place to be.

What you’re feeling is valid and important. Losing someone who has held such an essential role in your healing can bring up feelings of being adrift. It’s okay to grieve the change—it’s a testament to how meaningful the relationship has been for you.

Right now, focusing on the present can help ease the feeling of being overwhelmed. Take a few slow breaths. If it helps, remind yourself of something that anchors you—a comforting object, a phrase, or even a memory of a time when you felt supported by P.

Ask yourself: What would P say to me right now if he were here? Sometimes channeling their compassion toward yourself can help soothe those feelings of being untethered.

Though you’re facing this big shift, how can continue to support the work you’ve done with P afterwards? Have you already started looking for another T? Perhaps it would be easier if you had extra support in your corner right now as you transition away from P?

Transitions are hard, but they can also be moments of growth. If you're feeling adrift, remind yourself that you’ve already come so far and have the strength to navigate this new chapter, even when it feels uncertain.

If you’ve ever watched Grey’s: "He is not the sun. You are."

While P has been a significant source of support, the strength, healing, and progress you've achieved is ultimately yours. You are the central figure in your journey, and even with this transition, you/ the sun continues to shine.His role was to help guide and reflect that light back to you, not to be its source.

You are the source of your own growth and resilience. He does not define your strength, or your capacity to heal.

Personally I think dragging out his leaving has not been good for you and has kept you from moving on . A clear date would have been kinder. I might be wrong, but hasn’t this been going on since before the Covid pandemic?