L’s Maternity Leave

****ing insurance. Is that the therapist that said they wanted to work with you? Can they be convinced to not want to? I'm so ****ing mad. It's good that they pay for some of the sessions with T that already happened, at least, and that you worked out an agreement with T. I hope the medication issue gets sorted out. It's promising that both L and T are with you on that.

Thanks corbie. Yeah, I’m pretty pissed too. This is my mental health. And I’m having to fight them for some odd reason. I can’t imagine someone else in this battle and how’d they cope if they didn’t have the ability/support that I do. I asked the analyst what’s my path forward. Ombudsman? Lawyer? He didn’t respond. T emailed the analyst to try to get him to see how important this is. That’s when he said he’s going to talk to his supervisor about what can be done, and that he should hear back from insurance before Monday afternoon.

I’m also pissed at the one therapist who got the insurance to approve of her and they told me to make an appointment with her. She crossed the line in my opinion. I told her no, I’m not ready. I canceled with the other therapist too. I’ve told everyone that if I don’t get T, I will do it on my own. I’m not going to mess up my SCA with L just to spend 10 weeks “getting to know each other”. I have my skills, I have my supports. I have here, T, L, and even H. Maybe my mom and pdoc. I don’t need a stranger to talk to. What I need is a safety net and I have that.

I don’t know what to do about meds. I hope pdoc will listen to me and takes me off Lithium. I have almost no hair left and Lithium is known for tremors. But pdoc has it in her head that Lithium has helped me the most. She said that Lithium is more important than losing all my hair…

Great news! I officially start treatment May 5th. Oh I so hope this works. Many say they feel relief right away. I hope I’m one of those people. If it doesn’t work, I can always try TMS. And if that doesn’t work, I guess I’ll go back on meds? I’m actually just excited that there are other treatments out there. I’m tired of meds. I’ve been a guinea pig for too long.

I'm sorry about what's happening with the insurance, Scarlet.

With pdoc, could you give T and/or L permission to speak to her, and they could advocate for you? Seems like they're in agreement with your wishes and feelings about your medication regimen.

Also, glad you'll start the other treatment soon! And I do hope it helps you.

Is the lithium a tablet that you can cut into pieces? You could start weaning yourself off of it even without your pdoc's approval. It's your body and you're the one having side effects from all the meds.

Thanks LT and NP.

Yes, I should do that! No matter how I communicate to my pdoc, I should make sure that L and T have my back so if I do need their support, they are ready. All 3 of them have each other’s contact info and they all have my permission to talk to each other.Actually, I don’t think T and pdoc have permission. It’s been implied, but I don’t think there’s an ROI. I’ll talk to T about it, too.

I wish I could just wean off of it myself. I’m taking the lowest dose twice a day. It’s a capsule, so no way to reduce it beside taking one a day instead of two. But if I only took one, could that make it worse because it will only last 12 hours? I also struggle doing things on my own and advocating for myself. In this case, I really need to stand up for myself. She is going to push and defend taking Lithium. But I’ve had enough of side effects. And thank you for saying that, NP: it’s my body. I forgot who else told me that recently. Must have been T. My body, my rights. I don’t see her again until the 30th and it will be in person. It will be a fight without the safety of distance and leaving if it gets to be too much. I remember the time I told her my meds weren’t working and she became so confronting. Like she threatened to take me off all my meds and just put me in iop or the hospital. She’s seems to have calmed down as of lately. No threats. But even L has said that pdoc has a lot of anxiety and sometimes panics when I struggle. I know it’s because she cares, but she really needs to put me first when it comes to her treatment of me. See, she’s trying to medicate me to not have SI. I believe for me that that can’t happen. My brain’s pathways have been so used to the thoughts, it’s the first thing it goes to when under distress. I’m not sure anything can fix that besides training my brain/self to go a different direction. Because once the panic in me subsides, I am better able to handle whatever I’m dealing with.

Woah! This is a long post. Sorry about that. Processing helps me a ton and really helps me find a path forward. And getting off lithium is something I’m set on.

A friend of mine is trying to taper off the antidepressant she's on by splitting the capsule, counting/weighing the micro-beads in it, portioning them into smaller doses and then putting them in empty capsules. She's even involved with a website/facebook group that helps people with the process. It sounds and looks very fiddly, and lithium is maybe quite different (I think, it's just the plain Li+ ion, right? how does that even work?), but it might be worth looking into if you're very desperate.

ETA: medicate for SI?I haven't heard that before. That's weird, what makes your pdoc think it's possible???

Re-reading bits about your pdoc - is she really the best you have access to? You shouldn't have to fight her over this, and her anxiety shouldn't put you in a place where you have to deal with loads of freaky side effects (while still not achieving what she set out to, if it's all for preventing SI?). Also, what exactly is this other treatment you're starting? I'm curious.

I don’t know too much about any of my meds, tbh. I’m not even going to guess because I don’t want to spread false information. But according to pdoc, Lithium actually heals the brain. I wish I could take it, but the side effects are too much for me.

I don’t know why pdoc thinks she can medicate SI. That’s why I was on 3 antipsychotic though. Just trying to get rid of the thoughts. But every time something triggered me, I instantly had the thoughts. The only med that truly helped was benzos but that just calms/numbs me and makes me sleep. It didn’t solve anything.

The treatment is:
I don’t write it out because I don’t want to trigger someone or something. But many people said they feel relief even after one treatment. You have to do a course of treatments and some choose to take it indefinitely. Lithium actually can help it if your depression is still resistant. Something about it opening up connections? Maybe? Again, I don’t know too much.

Yeah. I don’t really like my pdoc. But she prescribes benzos, so I’ve stuck it out with her. I think she cares, but I think she feels my progress is a reflection of her. Most the meds are for SI. She has started taking me off two, but I want 1-2 more. Even treatment pdoc asked me if I liked her. I take/took 7 psych meds. The ones I am okay taking: Wellbutrin, Buspirone, and benzos in emergencies. And then one sleep med (right now it’s Seroquel).

I’ve asked T and L to back me up about getting rid of Lithium. T agreed. I haven’t heard from L in about two days. Longest time I haven’t heard from her. But it’s a holiday on top of everything, so I’m trying to be patient and not worry.

Heard back from L just now and she supports me getting off of Lithium. She will talk to pdoc if I need her to. That feels really good to have T and L backing me.

Now the question is how do I communicate with pdoc? Email (has to be sent through the front desk)? A letter? I either hand it to her or read it to her? I’m leaning towards email and attach the letter. That way she has time to read it and take it in and I don’t have to deal with her initial reaction. I’ll just put confidential as the subject and in the email. I know that talking to her directly would probably be best, but I’m scared of her and her anxiety.

Email sounds good to me. It's not a realistic expectation that you should be able to deal with her anxiety. It's her job to provide space for her clients' emotions, not the other way around.

That's what I tended to do with ex-T when I wanted to bring up something I thought she'd get defensive about. She was more likely to actually engage with what I was trying to say that way. (ETA: I could email her directly though, which made it easier; even so, your plan looks good to me, but I'm quite bad at spotting security/confidentiality issues)

I'm glad you heard back from L and that she'll support you about the lithium. I think email sounds good for pdoc.

It's my understanding that, like you said, SI can be self-protective (my mind goes there at times, too--Dr. T said once that most people's do, at times, that it's a form of escape fantasy). I'm not sure it needs to be treated (medically), in and of itself, unless it's something that someone is ready to act on. It seems that L (and T) trust that if it got to that point, you'd do what you needed to do to stay safe. I hope that pdoc can see that, too--maybe they can help her see that. And that the thoughts themselves don't need to be medicated away (especially if the medication isn't helping and is causing other issues in your life).

Trigger for SI:

Can L and/or T put it in writing that they support you? I do like your H's suggestion too.

Also, any news about the insurance? I recall the analyst was bringing it up with their supervisor.

Corbie,
I totally resonate. L and I have talked about it numerous times. For me, being able to be open about it actually helps. It makes me feel seen and known. Relieves some of the tension or burden. But I only talk to people who can handle it. Like my mom doesn’t get it. She knows my history, but she thinks being with her will fix it. Like distracting me will take it away.

I think L or T could probably put it into writing. I’m just going to mention their support for me in the email.

Yes. I haven’t heard from the analyst. He was supposed to have an answer by yesterday afternoon. I’ll email him asking for an update. Thanks for the reminder!

Analyst update:
My insurance won’t budge. Because that stupid therapist told them that she can treat me, they refuse to let me see T. The only thing I can do is get an independent expert to determine what’s best for me. But even if they think I should stay with T, insurance still doesn’t need to listen. I don’t know what to do.

I want to write that therapist and tell her that she just ruined my support, that I’ll never work with her because she didn’t put my wants and needs into consideration.

Yeah maybe she needs to hear that. What was she thinking? Even if she's fully competent to treat you and you'd otherwise be a good fit, both of which are big IFs - how are you even supposed to trust her after she pulled this? She literally failed to put your best interests first.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

What a mess.

I agree with corbie.

Does she at least understand that this would be short term?

I assume she’d understand that it’s not for long. That L is coming back. I also assumed that she knew I was just engaging with her only because insurance wanted me to. I explained to her my whole situation with insurance. I think she thought she was my only option? Didn’t even consider that insurance referred me to multiple people, not just her. I told her I was already seeing T.

On psychology today she wrote that she has two years working with adults. Who writes that they lack training openly on a site like psychology today?That should have been my first clue just to ghost her.

I’m working on an email to her and her supervisor. I was writing them separately, but I think combining the email into one and send it to both of them might be better. I’m actually having a hard time writing it. It doesn’t feel clear and organized even though I did it in bullet points.

I told L that this week is National Infertility Week. She just had to ask how I’m feeling. I read posts every day about people struggling with infertility. Some times people’s stories hurt, but most I can connect with. But when L asked, it’s like all the pain that’s been stored up came out all at once. I am overwhelmed with pain and grief. And it reminds me of everything that has happened with her. I cried so hard. I got a horrible headache from crying.

Last session with T until late May. It kind of sucked. Just different comments that on the surface was okay, but the meaning behind it hurts. Like if I get hospitalized, that would prove to insurance that I need T. Or how I’m a difficult client. Or we were talking about my infertility and she tells me that the odds of Down syndrome are higher at my age. And that at my age, chances of getting pregnant do a nosedive. Just little jabs that really hurt when you give it a thought.

L, on the other hand, was very supportive about everything: the pain and suffering from her and giving me some good facts about pregnancy at my age.

T convinced me to not write the therapist’s supervisor. Least not right now. She said that might come back to bite me. I did contact the analyst to ask him about the independent expert: why are they an expert and where are they getting their information? But I told him I will never see that therapist and I have to go without T because I can’t afford her. I don’t think I should have mentioned either thing. But it’s too late. I sent it thinking I was just updating him. I hope he doesn’t believe that everything is okay and I can do it alone. Oh well. Can’t take it back.

I just wrote an ombudsman. Let’s see what they can do.

I'm proud of you for advocating for yourself, Scarlet.

Sending hugs, if wanted.

Take care,

Lost

Thanks Lost. I am trying. I was following an article in Forbes. That’s where I found the ombudsman link. If this doesn’t work, it suggested lawsuit. That’s some serious stuff. I don’t want to go to court with a whole insurance company for 3 months with a therapist. Maybe if they were to deny me L I would sue. But not for something like this. Maybe the ombudsman is over the top too? I just don’t understand why they have put up a fight against me.

I see how hard this is for you.

I know nothing about the American healthcare system, but is there a way you can get them to explain their decision in writing?

This would make it easier for you than having to rehash what has happened over and over again.

Sending hugs,

Lost